To laugh in joy, to grieve in sorrow....

Yesterday marked 15 years of marriage to my best friend.  I know it sounds cliche and a little sugary sweet, but it's the truth.  As we watched our wedding video with our children, our hearts swelled with love and memories of days gone by.  Our kids giggled with astonishment to see what their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles looked like 15 years ago. I squirmed at embarrassing parts and laughed my head off at others, and cried at the beauty of the day.

Andrew composed a song for me and performed it for me at the wedding.  I was in awe as I watched him sing to me.  He was just a young kid, but his heart was mine and I knew it then and I know it now.  How blessed I am to have found such true love at such a young age.  Some people wondered if we were ready to be married at such tender ages, yet I knew Andrew was to be mine, and I was to be his.  Life-long marriage was modeled to us by parents who loved each other and God and I knew we had found that kind of love.  Although we were naive and young, I remember wise words from my cousin Linda, who assured me how blessed I was to have found my life long love so early on in life.  I love the shock on people's faces when they hear we have been married for 15 years!  Andrew was getting his hair cut yesterday and the hair dresser nearly fell over when she heard that he had been married that long!  In a world that is so well versed in brokenness and faltering emotion, choosing to love after 15 years truly is a testament of the role that God plays in a marriage.

It was humbling to hear our vows and to see the young promise of hope in our faces and in our smiles.  We were on top of the world.  We were in that sweet new love stage, and meant every word of our vows.  Yet no one could have prepared us for when joy turned to sorrow and our vows became more than just words.  We had our ups and downs in marriage of course, yet our journey of Grace led us to the path of unequivocal sorrow and pain.  As I watched our young hopeful selves vow before God and man to grieve together in sorrow and love each other through sickness and in health my heart was wrung out.  Memories of our sweet baby, the hospital visits, the ultrasounds, the medicines, the medical teams, the countless hours of prayer and fasting, the constant hope that things would change, followed by the somber realization and disappointment that she would not be with us long, all seemed to pour out from my heart.

No, no one could have prepared us as we pledged our lives to each other of the true sorrow we would walk through.  No amount of pre-marital counselling, no inspirational talks would ever have been enough to sustain us through the loss of our sweet babe.  It is only through the anchor that is Christ that we grew closer together instead of further apart.  We met quite a few families in hospital wards, doctor offices and emergency rooms that were broken by the strain of living with a child with such special needs.  There were many times Andrew and I grieved differently which often led to stress and hurt in our marriage, but the constant tether we both had to God would draw us back to one another.  

As I reflect on these 15 years together, I can see the fruit that has come by choosing to honor those vows we made that day.

Even if I had known the pain that awaited us, I would still choose you Andrew.  For the love that was borne from such deep valleys of pain has been equaled by the joy and beauty of the mountain top.  There is no one I would rather do life with.  It has always been you and always will be...through the joy and the sorrow, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others...it is to you, that I continually choose to make this vow.

Size 4

As I was shopping today, grief found me.  It is interesting to me when the waves of grief decide to crash to shore.  It is not always when I think it will be, and usually not at the best of times.  Today as I was walking up and down aisles, a pretty little girl outfit caught my eye.  It was a size 4..the size that Gracie would be in if she was still with us.  As my eyes scanned to all the little shirts, and skirts and socks my heart wrenched within me.  Normally when the waves of grief hit in a public place I would try to get out as quickly as I could.  Today, however, I walked the girls clothing aisle and dreamed of her.  What would she look like now?  If only I could cuddle her in those sweet little pink pj's.  Oh that lovely purple dress would look so sweet on her.  I wonder if she would like purple - I wonder what her favorite color would be?  I wonder if she would like clips and pony tails, or would she prefer headbands like her sister?

Today, I allowed myself to cry and think of her, and as I did the memories of her filled my heart to overflowing.  I also allowed my heart the luxury of dreaming of what she must look like now, and all that she can finally do. It amazes me that 3 years can go by so quickly and that life does in fact go on. Yet it also amazes me that in an instant the tiniest reminder, like a size 4 tag on a pretty pink outfit, can remind me of my sweet little girl.  And although these reminders twist my heart into painful positions, the memories that pour out are so very precious reminding me once again that beauty can be found in pain and that is a wonderful thing.

Canucks...OUR team.

Growing up I remember the scene clearly. The tv was locked into one channel for the evening afterall it was Hockey Night in Canada: ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaaaaa....ba-ba-ba-ba-BA-baaaaaa....ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BA-BA-ba-ba, BA-ba-ba-ba-babababababababa! You know this theme song don't you? Of course you do, around our house in meant one thing...the Canucks are going to play!

Now I know many people these days are speaking ill of the Canucks, people love to bring others down for some strange reason. I remember in the 80's year after year the Canucks were not at the top of their game like other teams....let's say the Oilers. I remember asking my Dad...why do you like the Canucks so much? Why do you cheer for them even though they lose, and not cheer for a team that you know will win? He said, 'well I support the team not the win. When you choose a team, you are loyal to it.'

Years later that response sticks with me. Truth be told I cried myself to sleep in '94 when we were so close to the cup, and to be completely honest my heart hasn't quite healed from the anxiety produced from last year's journey to Lord Stanley's Cup!!! Yet, I support the team not the win. Will I ever cheer for another team? Never. The Canucks are OUR team.

Let me tell you a little about this team of ours. You see, this team is more than a just a hockey team for me. This team of upstanding gentlemen give of their time and some even of their money to support families in our province... especially kids in our province...specifically MY own kids. If you know our story of Grace, then you know how connected we have been to Canuck Place and the difference Canuck Place has made in our life and in the life of our sweet Gracie. These players not only volunteer time at Canuck Place but also at BC Children's Hospital. Some of their wives even give of their time to help the lives of families right here in our own province.

So for any nay-sayers out there...I want to ask you a question. Would you be willing to walk into a Children's Hospice and hold a dying baby? Would you be willing to enter a hospital ward with sick children all around you? Would you give of your time to come and take pictures with little ones fighting for their life with cancer? I remember when Luongo was coming to Canuck Place. I dressed our sweet baby in a cute little outfit. I kept telling her she had to look her best for when Luongo came a'courtin! He came, took pictures, and we even met his lovely wife and little girl. The morale of the house was through the roof. For a moment the reality of life in a children's hospice where life is nearing it's completion for tiny souls was halted, and smiles and happiness prevailed. Yes, the Canucks are a team, they win some and they lose some. Yet, to me they are more than just some guys playing on ice for a cup...they are role models and even heroes in the eyes of our kids.

Don't get me wrong...although I would LOVE to see them win the cup, that is not the reason I cheer. I support the Canucks because in the words of my father I cheer 'not for the win,' but simply because I am loyal to OUR team.

GO CANUCKS GO!!!!!!

Picture of Roberto Luongo with my father, Isaias Ponte, and my jewels, Olivia, Isaiah and our now angel...Gracie.

Grief's Muscle Memory....

Life on a whole is really good right now! No one in my family circle is ill, I have amazing family & friends, I am subbing in a school I love, serving in a great children's ministry and church...yet I am feeling exhausted and blah? I feel ridiculous feeling so glum on such a glorious day of sun and after a lovely weekend celebrating with family! So why so glum?

I miss Grace. There I said it. I know it has been three years, and I know some people would say it is better to move on and not conjure up the past...but I miss her. In someways I want to just say 'sure where's the switch, how do I turn this grief thing off?' After-all who wants to feel such a painful emotion such as grief? Yet my spirit will not allow me to forget. I literally can 'feel' grief. Don't misunderstand me though, the physical pain of grief has subsided greatly from the early days of grief! I have more good days than bad for sure. God has worked a miracle in my life that has allowed me to re-engage with life even after losing my sweet pea! I live with this delicate balance - daily engaging in life here on earth with part of my heart already in heaven! Yet, as much as I would like to close my eyes and open them to find that my grief has vanished, my inner self won't let me forget.

It's kinda like when you are training for a run of some sort. My sister is training for a half marathon right now, and even though it's been awhile since she ran, her body remembers.... it's muscle memory. And so, I believe my heart will always have this memory retention. No matter how many years fly by, there will always be the default imprint of the pain that has molded my heart to where it is now. Whether it is watching Olivia or Isaiah graduating, or watching Andrew dance with Olivia on her wedding day, no matter the occasion, no matter the amount of time I will always remember that empty space in my heart, and that longing for Grace.

I know some may argue, but Jesus is the healer! I do agree, Jesus has healed me, and mended my heart. My blog is titled Beautifully Mended, not beautifully broken for a reason. I do believe my heart has been healed, yet there are cracks and it is these fractured lines that remind me of the pain endured. Yet, the pain is not in vain. I still miss Grace. I always will. I am thankful for the grief memory muscle for it reminds me of where I was, how far I've come, and where I am headed! For although I miss her, and my heart still yearns for her - I KNOW that one day my heart will finally be at peace and in one piece. Jesus will wipe the tears away for good, smoothing over the cracks and fractures... removing the longing for heaven once and for all!

Often here I’m sad and weary,
As the days go by;
Oft the scenes are dark and dreary,
Teardrops dim my eye;
But when this short life is o’er,
We shall weep and sigh no more,
But rejoice forevermore
In our home on high.

Anticipation by Charles Naylor (1911)

Letting Go...

Many of you know we were blessed to go to Disneyland with Grandma and Papa (Andrew's parents) this year to celebrate Grace's 3rd Year 'Heaven Due Date' Anniversary. Disney holds a special place in our hearts as it reminds us of a time when our amazing church family (in Sidney at the time) rallied around us and a special family blessed us beyond measure by sending us to DisneyWorld for 2 weeks. It was a first Disney experience for all of us as Drew and I had never been before.

We were in a daze after Grace passed. Life was non-stop and down right frightening at times with her care, and our emotions had been on a wicked roller coaster as she fought and we fought for her life. Our first Disney experience was one of healing, reflecting, and re-connecting as a family. We went through the labor pains if you will, of learning how to transition from a family of 5 to a family of 4. We felt peace there, and for the first time since Gracie had died, we laughed as a family and felt happy in the midst of the ardent pain of loss.

We then went to Disneyland at the mark of Grace's 1 year anniversary. It helped being surrounded by the happiest place on earth - it balanced the extreme sadness that clouded our hearts. I have the most beautiful picture of the kids with their mickey ears looking up at the castle while holding Gracie's hat. It brought joy unspeakable to my heart knowing she was with us in every moment. Last year, we had just moved to the mainland, Andrew was in his first year teaching and life was too hectic to get away. We didn't guard the time well, and the 2nd year anniversary was a dark and difficult one for me. So this year we decided to go to Disneyland again, this time with Grandma and Papa! I thought I was ensuring an easier anniversary. I, being the oh so typical type A personality, had things all planned as to how we would best celebrate Gracie.

The trip was amazing. Having Grandma and Papa there was such fun and we made special memories that will last a lifetime! How blessed we are to have had such an opportunity to vacation with them!!! We had great fun making Daddy and Papa ride the swinging ferris wheel! We soared through the sky in rockets with Grandma - in the rain no less - what a trooper!!! Again, we had a fantastic time despite the little hiccups! My plans however took a turn after turn as things that I could not control kept 'popping up!' Between delayed flights, rain, wind, abnormally chilly temperatures, cold/flu bugs, cancelled shows, and closed rides, my lovely laid out plans became nothing but a confetti of disappointed dust right before my eyes.

Don't get me wrong, we were still in Disneyland and we were still altogether and made amazing memories! Yet, more than all the other disappointments that crept into the picture, what hurt the most was that my carefully thought out plan of carrying a balloon with us throughout the day, and sending it off to heaven at the fireworks was even thwarted. The fireworks were cancelled after waiting until almost 9:00pm with very tired kids which made for a very emotional good-bye to the balloon. After we scribed our love notes to Grace on the balloon and had the kids hold it and say "we love you Grace" they just couldn't let the balloon go. "It's too precious Mommy, I can't let it go!" Talk about heart-wrenching!!!! We realized clearly how the balloon was a symbol of release and it was so very hard to let go. There were no fireworks to distract us from the obvious pain and loss we were feeling in that moment. There was no Tinkerbell flying over the castle to divert our attention. The reality and the pain of missing our sweet baby became all too real in that moment.

We wondered if God was trying to tell us something? Perhaps we have reached another level of healing, a new stage in the journey? Disney was a place where I thought for sure the balance of happy would match the feeling of pain. Yet, this year it didn't feel the same. It was as if God was gently nudging us, reminding us to see that true joy and peace will only be found in Him. Escaping to Disneyland wasn't a bad thing, but laying our hopes and plans there-in is perhaps where I lost sight. I think for us a family we came to once again understand that He is the only one who can help us balance the pain of grief and the beauty in the present. And as the balloon sailed into the night sky (with no picture to document it because the battery died) we watched it rise until it looked as though it had caught flight with a star - which happened to be the second star to the right. How we wished we could take that flight with the balloon just to catch a glimpse of her in wholeness. We remembered her, we cried for her and for ourselves, and then with the strength of the One who holds our precious girl in His hands...we let go once again.

My Security Blanket

This time of year will always be bittersweet - no matter how many years pass, Springtime will always remind me of Grace. As new life begins to sprout up from the ground, it reminds my grieving heart that my sweet pea has also bloomed in heaven. I am in awe that it has been nearly three years since our sleeping beauty went to be with her Prince of Peace. I remember in those early days of grief wondering how I would ever survive each passing day - let alone three years? It is nothing short of miraculous that I am here three years later, not only surviving but truly living again.

I have felt a sense of strength in my spirit this year. God has strengthened my resolve and breathed new life and new dreams into my heart. After Gracie passed away I felt stripped of who I was for I became so wrapped up in her care and the care of my family. I felt like a toddler stripped of their security blanket and left to face the world without it. There were days I would cry out in tantrum - longing for her to be back in my arms. Truth be told I took Gracie's actual blanket (my favorite one in the picture above - made by my dear friend Kim) with me everywhere I went - literally EVERYWHERE for the first few months.

In the grocery store if I saw diapers or a baby toy I would reach in my big purse and out came the blanket. I didn't care if people thought I was crazy - I needed to feel her, remember her, and by clenching that blanket I was able to continue shopping. Or if I saw a familiar face or a Puraltaor Truck (that used to deliver her products) I would whip out the blanket just like a toddler would! Sounds a little crazy I know - but in those dark days of grief and depression it was what I needed.

I remember thinking I am never going to be able to give up her blanket! Will I be going to Olivia's high school graduation with the blanket in hand? Thankfully, God is my ultimate comfort and as the days turned into weeks, then months and now years I don't carry it with me throughout the day. I do still keep it close to me at night. It is a tangible way to remember her every night and thank God that she is safe in His arms every night as well.

This blanket was always with Gracie. It is so soft and the colours depicted her personality so well! It is probably the most treasured article of hers that I own. I made myself watch her video this morning - her video eulogy that was shown at her funeral. It is so painful to get through - but as I saw her wrapped in this special blanket, it brought comfort to my heart. She was wrapped in our love from day one, and as much as this blanket physically covered her, we as a family saturated our sweet baby with all the love we had!

Thank you for those of you who still read my thoughts and have followed our story of Grace. I know you loved her and our family. Your prayers have sustained us and again we would appreciate prayer covering over our family as we celebrate and remember the day Grace stepped into true healing - her heaven due date - March 3, 2009.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. Psalm 116:15

The Precious Day of Love...

Tomorrow, February 14th, people everywhere will celebrate love. Valentine's day for our family takes on a whole new level of love as we reflect and remember Grace's day of birth and the profound love that entered our lives that day.

Gracie's dates are so special to us! When Feb. 12th 2008 came and went with no Gracie, our hearts were anxious and saddened and disappointed. I remember after crying from a long day in hospital and coming home with sweet baby still nestled within, I prayed. Although I was disappointed that no beds in the NICU were available for her, I just had to believe that God knew best.

Here is a note from Feb. 12, 2008 that I updated on my Facebook for friends and family...

We were so hoping to be introducing our dear Grace to you this morning but instead she is still safe within my womb!!! We arrived at the hospital at 630AM, I was admitted, dressed in a lovely blue hospital gown and was poked a few times by a training nurse for my IV. Then we waited and waited and waited until finally we were told that there were NOT enough beds in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for Grace. VERY disappointing. We were so ready to meet her and hold her and just be done this 'waiting game.' We are trying to trust in the fact that GOD is in control and knows the perfect time for her to be born and we understand that she is safer within than to be born without a bed in the NICU. Please continue to pray, we need those prayers more than ever. We are so tired and the kids are tired of all of the change. It looks like the tentative date will be Friday at 11am? But they may call earlier? So we will try to keep you posted. Let's keep the faith and keep praying even more fervrently for healing and wholeness in our Baby Grace. We so appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for supporting us on this truly Amazing journey of Grace.

Love
Nelia and Andrew and kiddies.

God did have another plan - He, in His great love for me, knew how much comfort Gracie being born on this day would bring me. I had no idea that Grace was on loan for such a short amount of time, but He did. Her dates of birth and passing bring a comfort to my heart and a reassurance to my mind. Even though my heart was so heavy & I was left feeling confused that day(Feb.12, 2008) the author of life saw what I just couldn't possibly see or know. Unthinkable pain was awaiting, but also immeasurable love and joy. I will always be so thankful that my sweet pea was born on Valentine's Day - the day we celebrate love!!!! She will always and forever be my sweetest little Valentine, a gift I will forever be thankful for.

Leaning into the Pain

Leaning Into the Pain.

I remember your smile, I remember your eyes so lovely and green

I remember the softness of your skin and being the happiest I had even been.

I remember the cuddles, I remember the kisses and the moments of peace

I remember when the things took a turn for the worse and the pain it released.

To balance the pain with the joy of your love is getting easier each day

Although the ardent longing of my heart will always remain.

So as reminders and special days come to the surface once again

I will strengthen my resolve to lean into the hurt and the pain

For in embracing the reality of the deep loss and sorrow

It allows for the contractions of grief to do it's part knowing that tomorrow

Will bring new hope, for the sorrow lasts but the night

for joy comes in the morning and reveals the pain into the light

of the One who holds my sweet pea in His ever strong hands

Awaiting for the day I will finally understand His unfathomable plans.

Words are Vessels

Words are vessels someone once told me, and that heavy realization changed the way I spoke...or at least thrust me upon the path of such change. How often do we flippantly say words, not knowing how they can impact a soul? To envision each word that comes from our mouth as a cistern that can either hold life or death is profound to say the least. Words have the power to hurt and comfort, lift up or break down, to love or destroy.

I remember being at the grocery store shortly after learning of Gracie's severe brain malformation - not knowing if she would even survive - and as I was waiting for the cashier who was flustered by something at the till, she laughed and innocently said "sorry...I feel so brain dead today." I swallowed the lump of emotions caught in my throat, grabbed my receipt and ran to my vehicle and sobbed. Heaving, uncontrollable sobs overtook me. Here was a cashier who was having a hard day no doubt - obviously not knowing the prognosis of my unborn baby - casually using a phrase that pierced my heart, stabbing me to the very core. Any strength that had been in my spirit all washed away in but an instant. Words.are.vessels.

I think of the times I have spoken words over people, not knowing of course the pain they might have had and it grieves my spirit. When I think of the times when words trickled from my mouth in anger masked as sarcasm, my heart is abashed. Lord, forgive me! As a wife and parent, how I long for the words I speak to be edifying to my husband and children. Criticism (even though the reasoning behind the words are good) can break even the strongest spirit. Do you know that moment when the harshness of your words breaks your child's spirit? In that moment, I rationalize the guilt by giving reasons as to why I had to say what I did, but the sobering reality that how it came across and even more importantly how it was interpreted spurs my spirit to ask my child for forgiveness. It is remarkable how quickly children forgive, a lesson I know I continue to learn from my dear little ones. As a wife, I know when my nagging becomes burdensome. Although I know that I do have the 'right' to say my peace, more often than not, my 'peace' is camoflouged in anger and catapulted in the vessel of my words causing friction and tension in my marriage.

Yet, thankfully words can also be used for edifying, loving, encouraging. I know that my words have also have the power to encourage others and draw them closer to God. My prayer this year is that I would more fully be aware of my words, choosing to use words of life and hope! Grace taught me the fragility of life, and how life here on earth is but a vapor. How quickly we lose sight of that reality! With the time I have been given, may He use me and my words to draw others unto Himself.

Words are vessels indeed.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Ps. 19:14

Mary's Obedience

I have been thinking quite a bit about obedience lately, especially in regards to Mary. To think that such a young girl would be called to such a huge and overwhelming task is unfathomable to me. I love how God's ways are so often opposite to what our ways would be. To think that God would choose a girl - not a queen, nor a king, but a simple young girl from the long family line of a mere shepherd boy turned warrior king. Mary, descendant of David, was called to put all reason aside and just trust in sheer obedience.

Mary had a lot of reasons to disobey, and flat out refuse the call on her life. She had to endure the initial shock of the angel, then had to try to wrap her head around the mysterious and frightening idea that she would be with child which I am sure led to the panic of what others would say about her, her family, and her betrothed. I am sure she feared her for her life. How do you explain to the one you are giving your life to such inexplicable news? I can't even begin to imagine the look of pain and betrayal in the eyes of Joseph (who we know loved her enough to want to divorce her in quiet - before he knew the truth from the angel himself). Ugh - talk about a stressful situation! Yet here we see Mary in the middle of an inexplicable encounter choosing to obey. After asking the obvious question of "how can this be...since I am a virgin?" she receives yet another ambiguous piece to the mysterious puzzle. Even after this strangely wonderful, yet frightening encounter, she simply says "I am the Lord's servant...may your word be fulfilled." (Luke 1) WOW - talk about obedience.

I know if it were me, I would have had a million questions. My type A personality would have asked the angel to hold on for a moment while I grabbed for a pen and paper so I could jot down notes while he spoke. I know our own personal journey with Grace was full of the unknown. Trusting the Hand of an unseen God is not easy. Yet I knew His voice, for He had guided me all my life through ups and downs, highs and lows. He was my Shepherd, and although I did not know the path and although it often was a path I did not want to tread, I still trusted His rod and His staff. Obedience for me didn't always come easy - and perhaps it was a struggle for Mary too? There were times I fought, and fought hard against what I knew was His will for Grace. He, in His love for me, allowed me the fight - but, as Andrew told me - God is big enough to handle our anger, questions and disappointments.

So as you enter this Christmas season, I am mindful that there are some of you who are in the middle of an inexplicably painful place. Although it has been a few years without Grace, the painful reminders of life without her remain. There are some of you in this ardent place of grief this year. There are also some of you living in the unknown of whether this Christmas will be the last one with a loved one. While some are picking up the pieces of broken dreams and relationships. No matter where you are in the scheme of life this year- whether you are singing all the jolly Christmas songs with gusto because life is beautifully wonderful, or if you find yourself crying yourself to sleep longing to just feel at peace again, I encourage you to come to the rough wooden cradle of Jesus, just the same, and worship Him. For in Him true peace, joy and fulfillment can be found. In Him, the eternal hope of true healing and wholeness is available to all who call on His name. Will you like Mary, in the midst of chaos and unfathomable confusion, choose to obey even if it doesn't make sense? Will you accept the call on your life and trust that He can make beauty from ashes?

The past few weeks for me have been emotionally draining, and I found myself yet again at the foot of the old rugged wooden cross. Obedience is not always the natural choice. It is often uncomfortable and even painful. Obedience for me is constantly and willingly releasing the pain that I sometimes so desperately want to hold on to. It is trusting even when I don't have the blueprint of life ahead of me. This Christmas may my response be as Mary's, in obedience may my heart say "I am the Lord's servant."

And So We Light a Candle...

Dec. 11, 2011 @ 7pm - Yesterday was the Compassionate Friends World Wide Candle Lighting -lighting a candle for all the children who have died... that their light will always shine.

And so we light a candle reminding ourselves that your light still burns brightly. As we enter this Christmas season, our hearts though grieving, find comfort in the HOPE of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection. It is this very HOPE that spurs us forward knowing that with each passing day we are one day closer to being reunited with our sweet pea, Gracie, for all eternity.

We also light a candle in remembrance of other sweet angels and their families who have walked the painful path. We thank those of you, our dear family & friends, who continue to support us with your love, uplift us with grace & understanding, and bless us with your kindness and gentle encouragement. ♥

♥ Sweet baby of mine - may you always remember that we will never forget, and never forget that we will always remember. ♥

Babies Don't Keep...

In the next few weeks Canuck Place will put out the latest CP Newsletter - and we were selected as the feature family! Anyone who knows our story, knows the important role Canuck Place had in our journey of Grace. As I read through the article, my heart swelled with pride and pain all rolled into one. Knowing that my sweet baby will once again impact this world, and hopefully will spur the hearts of others to give to this incredible organization fills this Mama's heart with joy. On the flip side, sharing her story also pricks my grieving heart to its core, reminding me of how quickly time is passing and how much I long to have her back in my arms.

A few friends have just had babies, or are just about to give birth - it's a wonderful time of year to be pregnant or to have a tiny bundle to snuggle with! I often think of how Mary must have felt cradling our tiny Saviour in her arms that first night. As I reflect on how quickly time is passing, I want to share with you a special poem that a friend of mine shared with me awhile back - it's a beautiful reminder to savor the moments with your child. And that is what is on my heart today - reminding myself to enjoy the moments...for afterall, I have learned all too well to my sorrow - that babies don't keep.

Babies Don't Keep

Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.

Hang out the washing, make up the bed,

Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,

And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.

But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Re-post - This Remembrance is GRACE...

I have recently been following on FB, an amazing family who are now walking the road of grief as they said good-bye to their sweet baby girl Anaya (http://healinganaya.blogspot.com). As I read their final moments, the memories of Grace swirl around me. Yet, these memories are welcomed, though painful, are beautiful and treasured. And so, I decided to re-post this poem in honor of Gracie, and a new little angel - Anaya.

I awoke to find you were the first thought on my mind

And I remembered you.

As I made tiny beds, and made sure mouths were fed

I remembered you.

As I heard little voices, playing and making noises

I remembered you.

I thought of your face, & all of God's grace

I remembered you.

And though this remembrance brings tears and pain

Each tear drop that falls, does not fall in vain

For each is filled with memories & gladness too

Reminding me that there was a 'you'

Some say time heals, and in some ways it's true

But remembrance is a gift for it links me to you

Some people say forget, move on, she's in a better place

But what they don't understand is that this remembrance is Grace.

The Halloween Dilemma...

So for many of you out there, I know you struggle with this day called Halloween. As a Christian mother with young children I too am at odds with this day. In some ways, the pumpkins and the G-rated friendly black cats and cute little kids in costume make Halloween a fun family oriented day. Yet on the other end of the spectrum are the ghoulish looking houses that are dec'd to the brim with skeletons escaping from the ground to bloodied vampires hanging from the roof.

So...as a Christian family - what do you do?

Do we point a crooked finger in disgust at these devilish decorations, turn our lights off and ignore it all together? Or do we embrace the fun of the day and smile at the sweet little children coming door to door? Do we ignore the evil and try to solely focus on the good? These questions have been swirling around my mind as I try to gain perspective on this day.

For what it's worth, here's my take.

Even though this day is often used as a day to celebrate FEAR and death, we take this day (and really every day) and try our best to redeem it for Christ. We celebrate His victory over death and celebrate the HOPE of eternal life. We carve pumpkins and explain to the children that we are as a pumpkin in the sense that we are but a shell. Inside of us, we all have 'guck' and when we invite Jesus into our lives He comes and cleans us from the inside out. He then lights our heart on fire and the Holy Spirit shines through us, just as the candle shines through the pumpkin. So when we are out at night and see the glow of jack-o-lanterns, we can relate back to Christ shining in and through us. We have some years handed out candy, blessing the children of our neighborhood with God's love through a smile, encouraging word and lollipops. We have also attended Harvest Parties at local churches for some good ol' family fun and bonding. Good can be found and had on this day, contrary to popular opinion.

As for the scary graveyard and demonic looking inspired homes, we say to the children that even though these homes celebrate death, we as a family celebrate life. We have worked hard to make Gracie's grave a place of peace. Our children would have never thought of a graveyard as a scary place until seeing the front yard of a house decorated as a haunted grave-yard. We celebrate that Grace is now with Jesus, alive and healed! The grave is not a haunted place, it is just a special place on earth where we can go and remember our Gracie. Our kids run and play and giggle at Gracie's grave! They will at times shed a tear of remembrance, but mainly they just love running through the beautifully manicured lawns and throw pennies in the pretty fountain. We don't celebrate Gracie's death at her grave, no! We celebrate her life here on earth and her true life in heaven! As a family we are bent on celebrating hope and life, yes even on this day of fear and death for Christ is bigger!!! Christ has risen, He is stronger than fear, ghoulish ghosts, and death. After-all, He leaves no room for fear for He has defeated it all! So as Christians we do not need to fear Halloween or even fear itself for we hold the Hand of the One who holds the keys to life and death!

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken, You have saved me
It is written, Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all
Hillsongs - Stronger

'A-ha! Moment'....Am I Ready for This?

So this past week I zipped over to the island for less than 24 hours to see my lil' sis and have a Gracie Day. It was a beautiful sunny fall day and I started the day with a massage from my trusted RMT. I was once again explaining the pain in my shoulders and neck - due to the year of constant bending over and caring for Gracie, pumping, etc. The pain, years later, still remains leading to fitful nights of sleep and finally into daily morning headaches. So as I was going on about the strain in my neck she smiled and said..."you do realize the symbolism of this pain don't you? You have been carrying her still...out front and over your heart. Perhaps it's time to open up your arms, not let her go necessarily, but just move her to your back - like a piggy back. When you carry a child piggy back you can't slouch, you must stand strong. Think about it..."

It was like a light went on...the 'A-ha' moment! Have you ever had these moments when timing is perfect and the Holy Spirit reveals truth to your heart? As I thought about her loaded words my mind is flashed back to a few weeks ago. I realized that in my minds' eye Gracie was still a sweet little babe, and I think in some was she always will be. But in reality, Gracie would be 3 1/2 - almost 4 come February and that realization winded me. My boy, Isaiah just turned 5 in the summer. He can do so many things now and to carry him in front cradled is so unrealistic. When he gets tired (which isn't often) I carry him on my back...not in front. Eventually, he will be too big to piggy back, and he will simply walk beside me holding my hand, then he will just walk beside me, and eventually he will walk a different path altogether.

As tears well up within my heart this morning, I realize I am in a new stage of my grief. Just like I grieve/celebrate milestones with Olivia and Isaiah, I too must do the same with Grace. When Isaiah started Kindergarten I was sad to say good-bye to the preschool years, yet so happy for him to experience all the wonders of school and beyond. Olivia asked me early on after Grace passed if she will grow up in heaven? It was then, and is still now such a profound thought. I am beginning to think that yes...just maybe she will be and has been 'growing up' in heaven all along. The memories I have of Gracie are of her as my sweet baby, and I grieve that baby in my arms. Yet, there is a spark of excitement when I envision her fully whole and healed as a 3 1/2 year old little girl.

I realize that I have been hiding behind Grace in some ways, hiding behind my grief so that I don't have to face the world without her. Are you holding on to something that is taking the forefront of all of your thoughts and decisions? Perhaps there someone who you need to let go of? Is there a situation that you need Jesus to come carry the burden for you? What is your 'A-ha!' moment?

So this morning, even though there is still remnants of the pain, I choose to embrace life with arms wide open and allow Grace to simply 'have my back.'

Tea Parties and Giggles...

This picture is of my sweet Olivia and her Winnie the Pooh having her first 'tea party.' Since then, tea parties have been a staple activity at the Evans' Household.

My little girl has two friends over this afternoon. They are having a tea party with tiny little teacups (thanks to my mother-in-law) and cookies on tiny little plates. Three dog stuffies are the honoured guests. As they pour their 'tea' (chocolate milk) they start making 'toasts.' It is taking everything in me to keep from laughing as they toast "TO GIRLS!!!!" & "TO CHOCOLATE BARS!" As they eat their cookies they say "bon appetite" in sing-song voices. They are giving names to one another such as Twila and using polite manners, and calling one another sweetie. Oh my stars...good this be any cuter?

Although I do miss the baby stage, days like today help. Days that remind me of the joy that still awaits. Days that remind my heart that even though I don't have a baby to rock to sleep, I have beautiful children to hold. As September comes to a close and we enter the Fall weather, a shift takes place in my heart as well. I tend to remember Grace as a baby, but in reality she would be 3 1/2 already. Where does the time go? Three years ago we were at Canuck Place recovering from the scare of almost losing her on the 11th. The Fall is marked as a season of great despair coupled with great hope and joy that she rebounded! The Fall also reminds me that winter is also on its way, and the winter season brings with it reminders of Gracie's decline and eventual passing. As I think back to the last 2 years + I can see the enormous strides I have made on my grief journey.

In those early days of grief, I couldn't fathom making it 1 day without Gracie, let alone 2 years!!! Yet, here I am, a breathing and living example of how God gives strength to the weary and comfort to those who mourn. I have down days, I still cry and I still remember the ardent pain of loss. Yet somehow one day turned to two, and one year has turned over into another. I wish I could tell myself back then what I have learned during this painful process. Here is what I would say...

You hurt and it's ok to hurt - never feel the need to rush through the pain. You feel like the world has ended, even though you know it moves on. Your aching heart will always ache, but the ache becomes bearable somehow. Your beat-up soul will find peace. Your endless questions will dissipate. Time won't heal all wounds, but what you do with that time will help you survive, and eventually thrive once again. Your tired body will learn how to rest again. Your personality traits will return. People may ignorantly say hurtful things about your grief journey, but you have learned how quickly life passes so you will extend forgiveness and grace. Your husband sticks by you through it all and though you grieve differently he is a man of courage, devotion and love. He rises to meet the road of grief and pain and will hold your hand, allowing you the freedom to grieve in your own way. Your children know they are loved, and they want to talk about Grace. They want to light candles when they miss her, and they love looking at pictures and videos of her. They also walk through the grief process with such confidence, knowing it's ok to be sad and happy at the same time. Your family continues to be a pillar of support and strength. They will remember with you and will allow you moments of sadness in times of joy. You will return to things outside the home. You will do things you never would have if Grace hadn't entered your life. You will find the balance of moving forward while still remembering. Your faith in God remains strong as you continually lean on Him for daily bread. It's unbelievably hard in these early days of pain and anguish, but one day you will see joy again. So cry when you need to, laugh when you can. Know that even though all you see is darkness and strife, hold on, trust the Potter. I promise you, that one day your heart will find peace and even joy again. The Potter will beautifully mend your heart ever so gradually, allowing for sparks of happiness to return to your soul through the healing sounds of your family, friends and children...perhaps even through tea parties and giggles.

Identity Crisis...Check.

You meet someone for the first time, you shake hands and exchange pleasant smiles. You introduce yourself by your first name (I have to do this more than once because of the uniqueness of my name - I make a funny joke about all the ways to mis-pronounce my name and have a hearty little chuckle) all in hopes to avoid the following questions. These questions send panic through my mind in how to best answer.

What are these difficult questions? Well, they may seem like simple straight-forward questions, but they prick at the core of my heart's grief. The questions are simply - What do you do for a living? How many kids to you have?

Now flash-back a few years ago, and the answers were simple. I would cheerfully say 'Oh I am a teacher, I love teaching music, but am currently taking a bit of time off to be at home with the kids'. The conversation would continue on without a moment's break. Yet, fast-forward to present day and such innocent questions can at times, feel fully loaded to a grieving parent.

Why is it so difficult? Well, I think the main reason is that I am going through a bit of an identity crisis. With both my kids at school, and not teaching at the moment, I feel a little at a loss as to what I 'do for a living'? I am also unsure of how to answer the question of how many kids I have because I always want to include Grace, yet at the supermarket with 20 people in line do I really want to explain? Not to mention the awkwardness that comes over people as they are left unsure of how to respond. And so all this adds up to a sort of identity crisis. We all go through these times of questioning of 'who am I'? and 'What is my purpose and calling in this life'?

During my time with precious Gracie, my identity became solely wrapped in the care of my family, and because the needs were so great I basically fell out of all other roles. After Gracie passed away, I was left feeling much the same as I am feeling now. Who am I? What do I do now? The people (outside of family) that I saw the most were Grace's health care professionals, they became my close circle of friends. Those doctors and nurses knew and loved Gracie and knew all the ins and outs of our lives without a long story of explanation. Yet, when Gracie died, those relationships ended as well leaving a huge hole in my heart.

My amazing grief counsellor helped me through that identity quest the first time, and so I am recalling her words of wisdom again this morning. She explained that our shape is constantly changing, and that who I was before Grace, is not who I was after Grace, nor who I would be 2 years down the road of grief. I connected this thought as clay in the hands of the Potter. So today, I feel the Potter re-shaping yet again and it hurts. As he kneads out the bubbles of old titles such as 'Mom to a baby/preschooler' and 'Music Teacher' etc. my spirit is left a bit tender and my heart aches for the days when Gracie was with us. Yet I know, without a doubt, that He is preparing me for the next shape, and this kneading must be done in order for me to become what He sees fit. So even though I question my calling, I don't question the Potter.

Are you in a place of an identity shift? Are you in between jobs, relationships, stresses, or even grief? Are you longing to go back to your old shape only to find out that all that is left are broken shards and pieces? If that is you today, I encourage you to hold on. Although the process is painful, your new shape will be a thing of beauty. It's like going in for a massage for a sore muscle. You know the kneading is gonna hurt, but you also know that in a few days the pain of the massage will be worth it to have the deeper pain of the muscle knot relieved. So...today I am taking my own advice, I will brace myself and hang on through the hurt and trust the Potter. After-all, He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.

Re-posting - Ready...Set...Let GO!

I am feeling very much the same this Sept. as I did back in April...if you are feeling the tug of holding on tight while your kids are ready to let go...this one is for YOU!

Ready...Set...

Today I will walk into our neighborhood school, with my sweet little boy in hand and attend 'Ready, Set, Learn.' This program is geared for 4 year olds who will be entering Kindergarten in the Fall. It gives the children (and parents) a look at the school, introduce them to teachers and staff, as well as enjoy fun little engaging activities.

I can't believe my boy will be going to Kindergarten in just a few short months. I have been trying all day to suppress the well of emotion that is brewing within. There is something difficult in allowing your children to grow up. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounded ridiculous as I typed it, but that is how I am feeling. Time seems to be my enemy. Days fly by at a super warp speed, leaving me dazed at times to truly see how quickly my children are in fact growing. They are growing not only in physicality, but emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually. I get so wrapped up in the calendar that I lose sight of these precious moments of growth. I am so busy folding laundry and wiping down counters that I am guilty of missing opportunities to just get down on the floor and play Polly Pockets or Toy Story. One day I will be folding laundry and wishing I had the choice of a clean house or a tiny hand to hold. So why, even when I have already learned this lesson, do I find myself back here? Why is this balance of keeping a clean house (cause let's face it I do not want to end up on TLC's Hoarders) and also making time with my kids a priority so difficult? As these life markers appear - first day of K, riding a bike with no training wheels, play dates without me, etc. I need to see them as a positive tool, a way to re-focus on what is truly important.

I think for me, these milestone's remind me that although it is a first for Isaiah it is also a last for me as a mother. It pricks my heart to the core as it reminds me that I will never walk into an elementary school holding Gracie's hand. It is again, bittersweet. So sweet because I am excited for Isaiah and all the new things he will learn and experience, yet also bitter as I am reminded of how short life experiences were for my sweet pea.

So here I am, feeling much the same as my son I am sure; nervous, excited, sad, and happy all rolled into one. I know our heavenly Father is cheering us on. He is saying ready, set... LET GO! It is not easy letting go of what you know as familiar and comfortable. Standing on the edge of the unknown is the apex of such anxiety. Those few short moments before you let go and free-fall into His plan and care is when the enemy takes his greatest jabs. So as I stand on the edge of this last stage of preschool years, I take a deep breath, say a prayer and cheer on my son (and myself) to get ready, get set...and let go!

It's so ON!

Unsettled is how I feel this foggy morning on the first of September. How can the summer be over when it feels like it just started? Next week my precious children will be at school for 6 hours of the day, Monday to Friday. Jeepers. When you are in the mix of constant baby diapers, laundry, feeding schedules, etc. you cry out for time alone because the pace is ridiculous. Then, when your children no longer need you for each and every moment of the day we cry out for more time with them, what a crazy paradox. I know it's is normal, and all part of growing pains, but I had no idea that I would be the one doing the growing!

It's hard to put into words the feeling of devoting your entire being into the lives of your children. We are hard-wired as parents to care for them. This whole 'sending your kids off to school' thing is stretching me, and I don't like it! It is stretching my faith and trust muscle yet again, and let me tell you it is starting to lose it's strength. I can tell my spiritual muscles are getting 'flabby' by the worry in my heart.

So today, it's on...it is SO on. Faith and Trust muscle training is ON! I also seem to be losing on the actual work out front as my motivation for running has fallen to the way side since our summer *'framily'*(see below for definition of 'framily')vacation. However, I digress, today I am choosing to start with my faith and trust strength training and will leave the running schedule for a different day (haha)!

So where to start you might ask? Here are a few starting techniques! Prayer. Start with small repetitions of prayer. Prayer while doing chores is a good place to start. Praying while folding laundry, washing dishes, cutting vegetables, etc. is a great way to start. Prayer while driving is a good idea as well, just make sure to keep your eyes open ;) Another idea...sticky notes! When things get really bad, I personally like to stick sticky notes of scriptures in random places. During my journey of Grace I had sticky notes everywhere around the house to constantly steer me back to scriptures. I needed the constant reminder of His truth, especially when the giants of fear were overwhelming. I of course love to write, so journal writing is a great place for me to spend time in the Word and write my way to healing! Music - another great avenue listening &/0r singing to worship songs can help you turn your focus to back to God! Or perhaps you are an artist? Spending time in the creative arts while meditating on scripture or in prayer will also strengthen your faith muscle.

The key is to start small, and be consistent. Who knows, maybe all this motivation will get me back on that treadmill too!

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

*'Framily' - my definition - is when you have family so close that you would choose them as friends, &/or friends so dear to your heart you consider family.

This Remembrance Is GRACE

I awoke to find you were the first thought on my mind

And I remembered you.

As I made tiny beds, and made sure mouths were fed

I remembered you.

As I heard little voices, playing and making noises

I remembered you.

I thought of your face, & all of God's grace

I remembered you.

And though this remembrance brings tears and pain

Each tear drop that falls, does not fall in vain

For each is filled with memories & gladness too

Reminding me that there was a 'you'

Some say time heals, and in some ways it's true

But remembrance is a gift for it links me to you

Some people say forget, move on, she's in a better place

But what they don't understand is that this remembrance is Grace.