Thursday, September 18, 2014

Ready or Not...Here I Come!

The transition to Fall this year has been unprecedented, strange, and long to say the least!  I'm the type of person that once August hits, I am already thinking about and even craving for the routine of the Fall.  So needless to say, I am happy that we are finally beginning the school year!

I am excited to be starting a new chapter in my professional career!  Well, I suppose it is more of an excitement mixed with the overwhelming understanding that I now have to get an entire classroom and year planned in just a few short days...really, in just hours!

Am I ready?  No.  Will I have to start anyways? Yes.

So what do we do when we are in a place in life where we are not ready,  or at least don't feel ready, to take on what we know God is calling us to?  I know for me, there were many times where I cried out to God during our pregnancy with Grace feeling much the same way.  So excited to love and meet her, yet so unsure of my capability to care for her as deeply as I so wanted to.  I remember so desperately wishing there was some kind of book I could read that would give me the step by step instructions, yet there was none.  The only book that helped me was the Bible.  I devoured those verses as though they were morsels of manna for my starved soul.  

Looking back now, I can see that God knew what I needed, when I needed it.  Yes, my obedience played a big role, yet it was only in His strength that I thrived.  And so, here I am again feeling vulnerable, nervous, excited, and wanting a play-by-play of how things are all going to work out.

Life change.  HUGE.  Six years ago, I never thought I would step back into a classroom as a teacher, let alone full time.  Yet, here I am.  The call for this job was so detailed that it really only could have been meant for me.  Quite literally, the HR departement said it would be close to impossible to find someone to fill such a unique position with so many requirements.  And just like that, God connected the dots.  He made very straight the broken path that was before me.  And so with some trepidation, I take this step and free fall into His plan, trusting just like He did in the past with Grace, that He will equip me to do His work, not mine.  I love the quote (thanks Trisha for sharing it with me so long ago) "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."  I want my steps to be ordered of Him, for if they are, I know He will be faithful to complete the call in my heart.

Oh my sweet Grace, the lessons you have taught me are forever seared into my heart.  As overwhelmed as I am in this moment, it still is small in comparison to our beautiful journey with you.  You have changed me, and only for the good.  As I enter the classroom this year, my heart is already so sensitive to the hearts of these precious children God has placed in my room.  I am more full of grace, and mercy and able to see past the prickly exteriors and see through to the heart because of you.  I miss you so much.  Knowing that you would be heading into Grade 1 this year sometimes takes the breath right out of me.  This is not the way I had hoped, but was the way it was to be and I would do it all again to have known you and loved you.  I can't wait for heaven.

Grief is a crazy ride.  These life changes are like a twist that you weren't expecting.  It's like you are going along for the ride at a pleasant click, and then WHAMO!  You're upside-down and free-falling!  Going back to work this year as a teacher and not as a TOC (teacher-on-call) is an admittance that I have yet again, been beautifully mended.  God must believe that I am strong enough to take another step, so I continue to move forward and take the plunge in trust and faith!

So, ready or I come!

Matthew 5:14-15
14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.