Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Size 4
As I was shopping today, grief found me. It is interesting to me when the waves of grief decide to crash to shore. It is not always when I think it will be, and usually not at the best of times. Today as I was walking up and down aisles, a pretty little girl outfit caught my eye. It was a size 4..the size that Gracie would be in if she was still with us. As my eyes scanned to all the little shirts, and skirts and socks my heart wrenched within me. Normally when the waves of grief hit in a public place I would try to get out as quickly as I could. Today, however, I walked the girls clothing aisle and dreamed of her. What would she look like now? If only I could cuddle her in those sweet little pink pj's. Oh that lovely purple dress would look so sweet on her. I wonder if she would like purple - I wonder what her favorite color would be? I wonder if she would like clips and pony tails, or would she prefer headbands like her sister?
Today, I allowed myself to cry and think of her, and as I did the memories of her filled my heart to overflowing. I also allowed my heart the luxury of dreaming of what she must look like now, and all that she can finally do. It amazes me that 3 years can go by so quickly and that life does in fact go on. Yet it also amazes me that in an instant the tiniest reminder, like a size 4 tag on a pretty pink outfit, can remind me of my sweet little girl. And although these reminders twist my heart into painful positions, the memories that pour out are so very precious reminding me once again that beauty can be found in pain and that is a wonderful thing.
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3 comments:
I just got myself all caught up with your thoughts. Some were a re-read but as always they spoke to me God's grace, mercy, love and healing. In our broken world we need to remember that He is there and is holding each of our tears that fall from our eyes. To.ight mine fall for a friend who has another baby that has gone to heaven to soon and I am reminded of mine that are there too; so many baby angles up there it breaks my heart. We have another blessing on the way (a bit of a surprise - Christmas baby if all goes according to MY plan ;} ) and I cannot help but worry about God's plans and promises. I must say that reading your "thoughts" have been a blessing and a positive reminder that no matter what this broken world offers, God offers us something immensley better *eternal life*. Of course I am a blubbering mess, trying to cry quietly (no doubt my husband thinks I'm off my rocker - again) into my pillow, I am encouraged - I just hope it lasts till morning & I have to drag my butt out of bed and get one to school and one to eat. I admire your faith and your spirit and there are days i wish i cud carry u around in my pocket, but then i remember that God is in my pocket. So thanks for that, thanks for reminding me that God overcomes and one day we will dance with our angles again, no matter their age. I love you and your family, we miss you so very much. Blessings,
Erika
Erika!
Good to hear from you :) I appreciate the comments and that you took the time to read my blog and posts!
I can't believe you guys are expecting again! I'm a December baby myself!
Take good care,
Nelia
I recently learnt about your blog through the Canuck Place website and just started to read it. You have walked where I am currently walking and I draw strength from your story. We lost our baby girl 3 months ago...she died in my arms at Canuck Place and some moments I don't know how I will go on but as you know we do. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there and sharing your story.
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