Thursday, April 19, 2012

Canucks...OUR team.

Growing up I remember the scene clearly. The tv was locked into one channel for the evening afterall it was Hockey Night in Canada:, BA-ba-ba-ba-babababababababa! You know this theme song don't you? Of course you do, around our house in meant one thing...the Canucks are going to play!

Now I know many people these days are speaking ill of the Canucks, people love to bring others down for some strange reason. I remember in the 80's year after year the Canucks were not at the top of their game like other teams....let's say the Oilers. I remember asking my Dad...why do you like the Canucks so much? Why do you cheer for them even though they lose, and not cheer for a team that you know will win? He said, 'well I support the team not the win. When you choose a team, you are loyal to it.'

Years later that response sticks with me. Truth be told I cried myself to sleep in '94 when we were so close to the cup, and to be completely honest my heart hasn't quite healed from the anxiety produced from last year's journey to Lord Stanley's Cup!!! Yet, I support the team not the win. Will I ever cheer for another team? Never. The Canucks are OUR team.

Let me tell you a little about this team of ours. You see, this team is more than a just a hockey team for me. This team of upstanding gentlemen give of their time and some even of their money to support families in our province... especially kids in our province...specifically MY own kids. If you know our story of Grace, then you know how connected we have been to Canuck Place and the difference Canuck Place has made in our life and in the life of our sweet Gracie. These players not only volunteer time at Canuck Place but also at BC Children's Hospital. Some of their wives even give of their time to help the lives of families right here in our own province.

So for any nay-sayers out there...I want to ask you a question. Would you be willing to walk into a Children's Hospice and hold a dying baby? Would you be willing to enter a hospital ward with sick children all around you? Would you give of your time to come and take pictures with little ones fighting for their life with cancer? I remember when Luongo was coming to Canuck Place. I dressed our sweet baby in a cute little outfit. I kept telling her she had to look her best for when Luongo came a'courtin! He came, took pictures, and we even met his lovely wife and little girl. The morale of the house was through the roof. For a moment the reality of life in a children's hospice where life is nearing it's completion for tiny souls was halted, and smiles and happiness prevailed. Yes, the Canucks are a team, they win some and they lose some. Yet, to me they are more than just some guys playing on ice for a cup...they are role models and even heroes in the eyes of our kids.

Don't get me wrong...although I would LOVE to see them win the cup, that is not the reason I cheer. I support the Canucks because in the words of my father I cheer 'not for the win,' but simply because I am loyal to OUR team.


Picture of Roberto Luongo with my father, Isaias Ponte, and my jewels, Olivia, Isaiah and our now angel...Gracie.

Monday, April 09, 2012

Grief's Muscle Memory....

Life on a whole is really good right now! No one in my family circle is ill, I have amazing family & friends, I am subbing in a school I love, serving in a great children's ministry and church...yet I am feeling exhausted and blah? I feel ridiculous feeling so glum on such a glorious day of sun and after a lovely weekend celebrating with family! So why so glum?

I miss Grace. There I said it. I know it has been three years, and I know some people would say it is better to move on and not conjure up the past...but I miss her. In someways I want to just say 'sure where's the switch, how do I turn this grief thing off?' After-all who wants to feel such a painful emotion such as grief? Yet my spirit will not allow me to forget. I literally can 'feel' grief. Don't misunderstand me though, the physical pain of grief has subsided greatly from the early days of grief! I have more good days than bad for sure. God has worked a miracle in my life that has allowed me to re-engage with life even after losing my sweet pea! I live with this delicate balance - daily engaging in life here on earth with part of my heart already in heaven! Yet, as much as I would like to close my eyes and open them to find that my grief has vanished, my inner self won't let me forget.

It's kinda like when you are training for a run of some sort. My sister is training for a half marathon right now, and even though it's been awhile since she ran, her body remembers.... it's muscle memory. And so, I believe my heart will always have this memory retention. No matter how many years fly by, there will always be the default imprint of the pain that has molded my heart to where it is now. Whether it is watching Olivia or Isaiah graduating, or watching Andrew dance with Olivia on her wedding day, no matter the occasion, no matter the amount of time I will always remember that empty space in my heart, and that longing for Grace.

I know some may argue, but Jesus is the healer! I do agree, Jesus has healed me, and mended my heart. My blog is titled Beautifully Mended, not beautifully broken for a reason. I do believe my heart has been healed, yet there are cracks and it is these fractured lines that remind me of the pain endured. Yet, the pain is not in vain. I still miss Grace. I always will. I am thankful for the grief memory muscle for it reminds me of where I was, how far I've come, and where I am headed! For although I miss her, and my heart still yearns for her - I KNOW that one day my heart will finally be at peace and in one piece. Jesus will wipe the tears away for good, smoothing over the cracks and fractures... removing the longing for heaven once and for all!

Often here I’m sad and weary,
As the days go by;
Oft the scenes are dark and dreary,
Teardrops dim my eye;
But when this short life is o’er,
We shall weep and sigh no more,
But rejoice forevermore
In our home on high.

Anticipation by Charles Naylor (1911)