Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Size 4

As I was shopping today, grief found me.  It is interesting to me when the waves of grief decide to crash to shore.  It is not always when I think it will be, and usually not at the best of times.  Today as I was walking up and down aisles, a pretty little girl outfit caught my eye.  It was a size 4..the size that Gracie would be in if she was still with us.  As my eyes scanned to all the little shirts, and skirts and socks my heart wrenched within me.  Normally when the waves of grief hit in a public place I would try to get out as quickly as I could.  Today, however, I walked the girls clothing aisle and dreamed of her.  What would she look like now?  If only I could cuddle her in those sweet little pink pj's.  Oh that lovely purple dress would look so sweet on her.  I wonder if she would like purple - I wonder what her favorite color would be?  I wonder if she would like clips and pony tails, or would she prefer headbands like her sister?

Today, I allowed myself to cry and think of her, and as I did the memories of her filled my heart to overflowing.  I also allowed my heart the luxury of dreaming of what she must look like now, and all that she can finally do. It amazes me that 3 years can go by so quickly and that life does in fact go on. Yet it also amazes me that in an instant the tiniest reminder, like a size 4 tag on a pretty pink outfit, can remind me of my sweet little girl.  And although these reminders twist my heart into painful positions, the memories that pour out are so very precious reminding me once again that beauty can be found in pain and that is a wonderful thing.