Flash Back...

I remember like it was yesterday.  The feeling of anticipation.  The longing to see you, hear you, hold you.  The build up to your arrival was one laden with prayer, fasting, and the coming together of many across the miles.  You, our sweet pea, were an unexpected blessing of unmerrited favor.  You.were.GRACE.

And so the story goes.  I didn't freeze like they said I would.  I wasn't able to be there in the moment you gasped for your first breath.  I wasn't even the first one to look upon your sweet cherub face, nor was I the first to touch your sweet, pink and rosy skin.  Missed moments I wish I had.  Yet, I remember coming out of the fog of anesthetic eager to know you...eager to know if there still was a 'you.'  In the haze of confusion I called out again and again, 'was she breathing? was she breathing?'  To which the patient nurse responded again and again. "Yes, she was breathing and she is beautiful."

Hours later I remember being wheeled in my bed, out of recovery into the NICU.  I can't even begin to describe the emotions that welled up within my heart wrenched, and beat up soul.  All the hours of prayer, all the moments in scripture, all the positive thoughts and well wishes of thousands around us led up to this moment.  Yet, when I saw your sweet little form lying under the warmth of the incubator, I didn't notice your head circumference.  Nor did I ask what your chances of survival were.  I saw you my sweet girl, and nothing else mattered. You were there, and you were mine. My imperfect, perfect valentine.

We are coming up to your sixth birthday this week.  We have all felt it coming.  Your sister and brother both broke open the vault of grief last night.  They miss you, and they long for the story to have been different.  They wrestle with the notion of how a good, and loving God chose not to heal their baby sister.  They cry in anger and in utter brokeness to think that such pain and sickness abound.  Yet, even in their pain and in the questioning, they know the hope of more.  For every valley of pain, there is this balance of hope and peace.  For every longing tear of sadness, there are thankful tears of joy.  They miss you so deeply, and it hurts so much to see them miss you, for we know the pain.  We so want to protect them from it, but if we did we would be robbing them of their story.  For it is in their pain of longing for you that reminds them that this is not the end.  And so...we let the tears flow.

Painful.  Heart-wrenching. Messy.  Sorrowful.  Grief.

In our brokeness we offer up a weak hallelujah.  In our pain, our lips tremble as we breathe out and mutter a word of deep gratitude and thanks. Yet, there in the pool of our tears, fully entrenched in the messiness, we feel closer to you and to heaven.   Once again, we are clothed in unmerrited favor.  We are clothed in His GRACE.

And so, as the day of love draws near and we celebrate what would be your sixth birthday, we choose to once again lean into the pain and remember the day we were blessed with our greatest valentine gift of all...GRACE.

There is Hope Beyond the Bend

Twists and turns in the road of life can be both a blessing and a curse.  In some ways not knowing what is ahead is helpful for it shields us and can prompt us to live in the moment.  Yet, in other ways, it can be agonizing not knowing what lies ahead.  These bends in the road remind me of the seasons of life.  As the fifth year anniversary awaits just around the corner, I'm feeling the confliction rise within me.  There is an unsettling in my spirit.  It's as though I need to be shaken and sifted through the grief sieve yet again.   Every new stage of grief begins with this unsettling of spirit.  I can remember these times of growth and the pain that accompanied them.  How can it be five years already?  It has been one bend at a time.  Oh those early days of grief were so engulfing.  Surviving each day, week, and month took every ounce of strength.  Standing at beginning of the path of life looking at the daunting road ahead without my baby was devastating.  Where did I think I would be in five years?  I couldn't even fathom it.  I couldn't see past that first bend, nor did I want to.   Yet, gingerly I took a step forward, and at times a step back, each moment propelling me towards the next bend.

And here I stand at this milestone, looking back on this crooked road.  What a journey of pain mixed with joy, brokenness intermingled with healing, and a heart once filled with discord has been beautifully woven into harmony.  As I look ahead, I can see the next bend.  This year will be the first year that I will work/teach on her 'dates.'  Every year I have simply guarded Valentine's Day and March 3rd by not working or taking on engagements on those days.  This year will be different as I am working both dates, and so begins the shifting yet again.  I am wrestling with the opposing emotions and caught in this delicate balancing act.  Part of me is so thankful for the healing that I've experienced and the strength that has been borne of the pain and hard work of grief.  Yet, parts of me resist the change as it means I have moved forward, and find myself around yet another bend.  I see others around me caught in battles that rob their lives of loved ones, and my heart breaks.  I know the pain of starting over and the overwhelming feeling of looking ahead at the next bend in the road with no strength left after running on empty for so long.  Yet, just as Christ held me when I was running on empty, I know He will hold them too.  No matter how dire and devastating your situation, He will be there to give you the strength to move one step further.  If you are in such a place today, I want to encourage you that this is not the end.  Hold on to that hope.  When all else fails, and you've come to the end of yourself, hold on to hope.  If you are feeling like you are at the end - take a listen to this song titled "This is Not the End" by Gungor.  It has inspired my heart and reminded me time and time again of the hope of heaven.

Gungor - This is Not the End

Every year I choose a verse to by my theme verse for the year.  This is my 2014 scripture - to find my hope in HIM all day long. Psalm 25: 4&5

Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,

 and my hope is in you all day long.

Blessings on each one of you dear friends and family.

Be Still.

  

In a world filled with propaganda and media streaming loud and strong 24 hours a day, is it any wonder that we have lost sight of stillness?  Yes, stillness.  Pause for a moment.  Take a long breath in and wait.  Now let it out slowly.  These moments of quiet, albeit few and far between, may actually be the antidote to our crazed days.  We are a busy people.  Add in a spouse, and a few children locked into their busy schedules, and suddenly you find yourself in a busy whirlwind.  Throw in the hoopla of the holidays, and it is a wonder that we call it, the most wonderful time of the year.


I see it in my own life.  My proverbial 'full plate' is piling higher and higher.  It is so easy to get swept up into the winds of motion.  I want to be present in the now.  I don't want another day to go by without knowing that I actually took notice of this life I am living.  As Christmas approaches how I long to be present in it.  To be mindful of Christ and His humble beginnings.  Still...oh to be still.

Yet there is dinner to be made, work to be done, laundry to do and kids to tuck in.  Time is a thief and waits for no one, and so we race against it.  We buy into the lie that being busy and in motion somehow gets us farther in life.  We are afraid that if we sit back and wait too long, we will miss out.  In the craziness of the season, my prayer is to be still, and to take moments of stillness to reflect, even amidst the chaos, actually despite it.

Gracie loved Christmas.  A dear friend took this beautiful picture of her.  Our two little ones at the time were running, laughing and dancing around her pram and creating a beautiful chaos that only preschoolers can make!  Yet, there she was.  My sweet pea.  She was taking it all in.  She loved the lights of the tree, and she loved the squeals of her siblings.  I remember this moment, clearly.  I watched her, unmoved by the loud play around her, enjoying the soft glow of the lights of the tree, cooing softly.  A cherished memory now held near to my heart.  I am thankful for these moments that I 'come up for breath.'  When we are caught in the busyness of life, it is easy to be vacant and unacknowledging of these simple moments around us.  Oh to take notice more often and awaken to these moments in which we are fully present, where our soul is fully alive and aware.  It is in these moments when we are alive enough to wake up from the daze of life and take notice.  And it is these moments that then become our beloved memories.  

Today, this hour, this minute, this moment...I encourage you to be still and take notice of the moment.  Make time this season to be still.  Don't let time steal away.  More than any other moment, reflect on the one that changed this life forever. The moment when Christ became flesh and entered this incredible love story of restoration with His people; the moment in which our soul felt its worth.  Fall on your knees this season, before the wood of His cradle, before the wood of the cross and remember.

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;

It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Re-Post - The Halloween Dilemma

So for many of you out there, I know you struggle with this day called Halloween. As a faith filled mother with young children I too am at odds with this day. In some ways, the pumpkins and the G-rated friendly black cats and cute little kids in costume make Halloween a fun family oriented day. Yet on the other end of the spectrum are the ghoulish looking houses that are dec'd to the brim with skeletons escaping from the ground to bloodied vampires hanging from the roof.

So...as a Christian family - what do you do?

Do we point a crooked finger in disgust at these devilish decorations, turn our lights off and ignore it all together? Or do we embrace the fun of the day and smile at the sweet little children coming door to door? Do we ignore the evil and try to solely focus on the good? These questions have been swirling around my mind as I try to gain perspective on this day.

For what it's worth, here's my take.

Even though this day is often used as a day to celebrate FEAR and death, we take this day (and really every day) and try our best to redeem it for Christ. We celebrate His victory over death and celebrate the HOPE of eternal life. We carve pumpkins and explain to the children that we are like a pumpkin in the sense that we are but a shell. Inside of us, we all have 'guck' and when we invite Jesus into our lives He comes and cleans us from the inside out. He then lights our heart on fire and the Holy Spirit shines through us, just as the candle shines through the pumpkin. So when we are out at night and see the glow of jack-o-lanterns, we can relate back to Christ shining in and through us. We have some years handed out candy, blessing the children of our neighborhood with God's love through a smile, encouraging word and lollipops. We have also attended Harvest Parties at local churches for some good ol' family fun and bonding. Good can be found and had on this day, contrary to popular opinion.

As for the scary graveyard and demonic looking inspired homes, we say to the children that even though these homes celebrate death, we as a family celebrate life. We have worked hard to make Gracie's grave a place of peace. Our children would have never thought of a graveyard as a scary place until seeing the front yard of a house decorated as a haunted grave-yard. We celebrate that Grace is now with Jesus, alive and healed! The grave is not a haunted place, it is just a special place on earth where we can go and remember our Gracie. Our kids run and play and giggle at Gracie's grave! They will at times shed a tear of remembrance, but mainly they just love running through the beautifully manicured lawns and throw pennies in the pretty fountain. We don't celebrate Gracie's death at her grave, no! We celebrate her life here on earth and her true life in heaven! As a family we are bent on celebrating hope and life, yes even on this day of fear and death for Christ is bigger!!! Christ has risen, He is stronger than fear, ghoulish ghosts, and death. After-all, He leaves no room for fear for He has defeated it all! So as Christians we do not need to fear Halloween or even fear itself for we hold the Hand of the One who holds the keys to life and death!

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken, You have saved me
It is written, Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all
Hillsongs - Stronger

Hope in the Storm

Oh the weather has been incredible lately.  Thunder showers followed by breath-taking rainbows...and even double rainbows (what does it mean LOL)?  These beautiful rainbows in the sky always remind me of hope.  Such gorgeous colours spring forth only after the dark thunderous clouds and rain finally relent to the glorious light of the sun.  I have been chatting with a few of my dear friends who have found themselves in such dark, stormy places they never thought they would be in.  Each circumstance differs greatly from the next, yet a common thread of sorrow, pain and grief unilaterally abounds.  When we find ourselves in the thick of such pain, entrenched in thorns and suffocating in vines of sorrow, we long for reprieve.  When watching a loved one in such a place of suffering we long to help.  Yet, too often a well-meaning individual will try to stick on a platitude to somehow bind up the unwrappable feelings of grief and loss.  A friend of mine shared an intersting article with me today on 'Vulnerablity and Christianese' (http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/christianese-vulnerability ) and how these petty little blanket statements such as "God will not give you more than you can handle" infuriate an already stressed out soul.  Although most of these trite comments do come from a place of good intention, what a wounded soul needs is simply the raw, honest truth with a snippet of hope.  I know it sounds crazy, but too much 'happy' talk ie. "all things will work together for good" can, at times, diminish one's current pain.  For example, I know that Gracie is 'in a better place,' but sometimes that just makes me feel guilty for wishing that place was here.  When someone is given the ground-shattering news such as ' the cancer has returned' or that there is 'nothing more than can be done', we must be quick to hold our tongues and extend a loving hand.  There is an unbelievable urge for us to 'fix' things, but there are some things that just can't be fixed.  There are times in this life that just don't make sense and sometimes...life is just simply unfair.

During our season of Grace, many friends were there for us, some respectfully gave us space, and others were bold enough to ask what they could do or say to help.  As life continues to trickle on as quickly as the proverbial sand through the hour glass, friends continue to ask me, "what do I say to someone whose world has just crumbled beneath them?"  If you are in this place today, whether you are the one in the valley or whether your heart is breaking for a loved one who is, here is a quote that I have found helpful and that I love.  I hope it helps shine a light in the midst of the valley, if not for you, then for someone near you who is in the fight of his/her life.

WANTED: A GRIEF HELPER

Father Joe Mahoney

A strong, deep person, wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am, and strong enough to hear my pain without turning away.

Not too close, because then you couldn't help me to see. Not too objective, because then you might not care. Not too aloof, because then you couldn't hug me. Not too caring, because then I'd be tempted to let you live my life for me.

I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness, or my walk through the night;

Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me;

Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning, and believe in a rainbow.

She Would Be Starting Kindergarten Tomorrow....

She would be starting Kindergarten tomorrow.  Her hair would have been washed and braided just like her older sister's hair tonight.  Her little uniform would have been laid out at the bottom of her bed just like her older brother's is tonight.  Her backback would have been packed with shiny new inside shoes.  Her lunch kit would have a little yellow note reminding her that she is loved and  like her sibling's notes it would be decorated with bright red heart stickers.

Tonight, the pendulum swings and I am filled with that familiar beautiful pain.  Once again, I take the step of accepting a new chapter, and a new milestone.  Tonight I remember.  Just as Samuel set a monumental stone ( ’Eben hà-ezer)  to remember how the Lord had led the Isrealites to victory, I too, figuratively set a monutmental stone tonight.  I raise this 'stone' to remember how the Lord has in His strength and only by His grace brought me thus far.  There were days I did not think I would make it through the pain of one day, let alone four years without her.  A victory?  For me...yes.  It may sound ludicrous to think that simply living is a victory.  Yet for me, looking back on the last four years, I see it as nothing short of a miracle.  I have, by His grace, learned not only to survive, but to live again.  Days like tomorrow can often feel like I am taking a few steps back.  Yet by mentally marking it with a 'stone of rememberance,' I am choosing to remember just how far I have come.

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Here by Thy great help I've come
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home.
(excerpt from Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing)

And so my sweet pea, I choose to remember special days like tomorrow, marking it with gratitude as I reflect on just how far we as a family have come.  We are another day closer to joining you safely 'at home' on those celestial shores.  What a day, glorious day that will be!

The Best is Yet to Come!

I don't know about you but boy am I digging my heels in summer this year.  I know the incredible weather and the lazy days are coming to an end and I am not quite ready to embrace the pumpkins and falling leaves of Fall just yet.  It's like I can't quite get enough of a good thing. Summer has become comfortable.  Fall means change, and change means letting go.  Yet parts of me shudder at my own pettiness as I complain of the 'busyness' ahead and the questions of when the pumpkin spice latte will be released to mark the season change!  Talk about first world problems!  What I need more than the acceptance of a seasonal change is the acceptance of a perspective change.

Why does my heart continually tether to such ideas of entitlement so easily?   It is a constant battle to re-focus my lens on the joys of my reality.  Today I am alive.  Today I have a husband who adores me.  Today I will tuck my beautiful children into bed.  Today my family is provided for.  Today I live in freedom.  Today I remember my sweet angel awaiting me.  Today is nothing short of a miracle, filled with blessing upon blessing.  Today I am blessed so that I may be a blessing to OTHERS! Yet here I stand pouting about the summer ending.  It's like I know what I need to do, but still don't do it.  Sigh.  I am like the author Paul in Romans when he says (Rom. 7:21-23MSG) "It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge."

Thankfully, there is hope.  I am not left powerless to my own ego-centric ways.  I can reverse such a rebellious heart.  We see in verse 25 that it is only through Christ and His strength that I can (if I so choose to) refocus my lens, and re-adjust my heart back to His.  I can cut the strings of entitlement and despondency and embrace the beauty of today.   If you too are feeling the waves of apathy with the upcoming change in season, I encourage you to shift not only your seasonal wardrobe but your perspective as well!  Ultimately, I am reminded that life here on earth is just a blip on the timeline of eternity. We are made for more than this. We only have so much time to do what God has called us to, so we must make our lives count for more than just our own selves.  One day I will no longer struggle with the balance of living fully here on earth with a part of my heart already in heaven. One day I will be in wholeness, and all will finally be made right.  The enemy may trick you into thinking that the best has come and gone, yet we know the best is yet to come! So come Lord Jesus Come!

Never Once

Have you ever heard a song or read a poem that pricks you to your inner most core?  You know, the part of you that you don't often allow room for because when you do it overwhelms and overflows?  For me, as many of you already well know, it's the deep chasm of grief in my heart.  Thankfully, I experience this pain far less than I did in the early stages of grief, yet once in awhile something will trigger memories and the portal of pain re-opens.  I know it sounds like a negative thing, but truly it isn't.  I have learned to live in the balance of this pain through the grace of God - day by day.  Yet, there are times, and I suppose there always will be, when the floodgates open and I remember.


On a Sunday morning a few months back, I heard for the first time a powerful song by Matt Redman entitled Never Once.  As the words swept over me and I stood silently praying, memories began to swirl and it was as though moments were flashing in my mind's eye of pivotal memories of when I felt I was walking alone.  Although I knew Jesus was with me in those moments, for it was only by His strength that I survived that road, I often wouldn't 'feel' Him near.  I often felt alone.  I felt alone in the hallway with the Drs. when they told me there was nothing more they could do for Grace and that I would have to call my family (including Andrew) to come and say their good-byes.  I felt alone when I couldn't stop the seizures from happening and the Doctors had given up on our precious babe.  I felt alone, helpless and abandoned so many times throughout the journey of Grace.

More than any other moment, the time when I felt as though Jesus was no where to be found was when they (the funeral directors) took my precious baby from me in that black car.  I don't think I had ever felt such dark despair in my life.  The pain in that moment was often too hard to think about.  Whenever that thought came to me I would push it far down back into the deep chasm of my heart for I simply couldn't bear it.  In the days after Grace died, there were things to be done and so life in that place of grief becomes a cloud of adrenalin, exhaustion and mere survival.   By the grace of God we do things like plan funerals and write obituaries.  By the time we had her service, I felt the peace of God once again - and I know it was your prayers for me.  SO many of you my precious family & friends were praying for me and I am forever grateful.  Even though the funeral & graveside were painful (there were many beautiful confirmations that day) when we buried that precious little white feathery casket, I felt hope.  There was a peace in knowing that although she was no longer in that human vessel that once had contained the most beautiful, sweet spirit,  her spirit was finally free and whole with Jesus. So as hard as those days were, it still did not light a candle to the pain of the day they took her from me.  I have never in the last 4 years allowed myself to think of that moment when she was taken from me, that moment in which I felt truly alone.

So as this song flooded over my soul would that Sunday, this memory came to mind.  I could see it in my mind, and I share it here as my most vulnerable moment yet, here is what happened that painfully dark day....

As Grace was transferred out of Canuck Place that cold and grey morning, I remember feeling as if the ground had literally fallen beneath me.  You see, I knew Grace.  I knew her for I was with her nearly every moment of her little life.  I did not trust people with her, for her needs were so intense.  So to allow her tiny little body to drive out of my sight was more than I could humanly bear.  I felt the blood drain from my face as I collapsed into Andrew.  I felt as if I had fallen so deep and so fast into such unspeakable darkness that I couldn't breath.  I felt like I was drowning in the pain, every breath felt like a gasp for air, every second was in excruciating slow motion.  I felt so alone, and so betrayed by the One who was supposed to save the day. I had never felt so far away from God as I did in that moment, and never had I experienced such painful darkness, complete failure and utter abandonment.

Yet as the words of this song were being sung over me, I allowed myself to remember and as the image of the black car came to mind I began to see the picture differently.  The pain was still very real, but this time I saw Jesus.  He was there.  He was weeping with me and crouched down beside me, cradling His arms around me.  His every breath in sync with mine.  His every tear mixed in with mine, and although I couldn't see Him past all the pain He.saw.me.   Not only did He see me, He entered my pain.  Although I didn't feel His strength, He held me up.  When I felt as though the ground had collapsed beneath my feet, He was my firm foundation.  Even there in my darkest hour, even when I believed the taunts of despair by the enemy of being abandoned and betrayed, never once did I ever walk alone.  He was there.

If you are going through a valley today or if you are in a place where you are questioning if God is really there or if He even cares, I want to encourage you that you never walk alone.  As you read through the lyrics of this song, or listen to it - I pray that God will show you as you quiet before Him, the unseen love He has for you.  As you bravely open the door to your pain, I pray that He would in His great love and compassion illuminate the truth in the darkness.  As I learned through our amazing journey of Grace, God doesn't always answer in the ways we hope and long for, but He does promise to never leave us.  My prayer for you is that you know deep within your heart and soul, that even at your darkest, most painful moments...you never walk alone.

Never Once - by Matt Redman

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

It Is Finished.

Today, memories flood my heart, stir my soul, overwhelm my thoughts, and cause my physical body to be still and remember.  I remember when such grief overtaking days, were the 'norm'.  I remember when it took me twice as long to do anything, and simple chores seemed like monumental tasks.  I remember the insatiable urge to sleep, to stay in bed and pretend as though Grace was still in her crib.  I remember the sweet voices of my little ones urging me to get up and play.  Thank God for them, for it was because of their need for me to still be a mother that I prayed for God to stir from deep within me the strength to get up.

Hard days such as today are few and far between, a testament to God's mercies and healing in my life.  It doesn't mean I don't think of her daily, it just means the balance has become somewhat manageable.  I have learned the 'unforced rhythms' of remembering and loving Grace while still being present in the current moment.  There are days, like today and tomorrow where the balance is thrown off because of the mere depth of pain surrounding the day, hour, minute...second.

I remember the wise words of my grief counsellor, reminding me that I do not have to re-live the trauma of the final hours.  I can remember GRACE, I can remember her journey home, but I needn't relive it because it is already done.  Her journey home is finished.  And although my heart and mind is constantly trying to re-live what was happening four years ago, my spirit is choosing to listen to the whisper of hope.  IT IS FINISHED.

There is no other day, time, moment, second,  that I will ever be more thankful for the resurrected power of Jesus Christ than March 3, 2009.  The day that my sweet Grace passed from my arms into the arms of the One who holds the key to LIFE.  Gracie's Heaven Due Date -is  the date I will forever be most thankful for. The day that made real the sacrifice of my Saviour all those years ago on a wooden cross when He took on my sin and exclaimed those words "It is finished" so that thousands of years later when my heart was broken and my most precious treasure was poured out, I too could look to the heavens and say through tears of immense pain mixed with sincere thankfulness...."that it is finished and today my sweet Grace is with You in paradise."

Broken and spilled out 
Just for love of you Jesus 
My most precious treasure 
Lavished on Thee 
Broken and spilled out 
And poured at Your feet 
In sweet abandon 
Let me be spilled out 
And used up for Thee 
-Steve Green

Living on Borrowed Time

It may be the dreary skies, it may be the after holiday blues, and it may even be that we are again entering the winter season of grief but I am feeling emotionally strung out.  I feel raw, exposed and vulnerable this rainy Monday morning.  As the familiar dates begin to re-appear, I am feeling the weight of loss and although I am getting much better at the balance between the sadness of yesterday and the joy of today (thank you God), there are certain days that will always prick me to my heart's core.

January 25th for instance is one.  Four years ago on the 25th of January we dedicated our sweet baby to Jesus along with an early birthday party bash at the church.  The church was packed with amazing family and friends - many of which traveled to be there for this celebration.  4 years ago we were celebrating Grace's 1 year birthday and this year we will be remembering her 5th.  Insert long *sigh* here.   The 25th of January, 2009 was such a bittersweet day.  We were told earlier that week that she was in fact regressing, and we were given the words 'palliative care' and 'keep her comfortable' but we hadn't bought in just yet.  There is a strange dichotomy that comes to those in such peril; to those stuck in that proverbial rock and hard place.  You long and hope for the best outcome, while all the while a nagging feeling of the opposite keeps rising within.  It was in this balance that we found ourselves that beautifully painful day in January.

We dedicated and released our littlest lamb to Jesus trusting that He would make all things beautiful in His time. Ecclesiastes 3:11  This dedication was not like the ones we had experienced before when we brought our healthy children to the Lord and asked for guidance to rear them and love them.  No, this dedication was a turning point for us.  We released our baby girl to the Shepherd and His will for her.  Did we still hope she would make a full recovery?   Most assuredly, yet in the moment captured in the picture below, a painful shift occurred in our hearts.  Gracie was indeed living on borrowed time.

My heart's memory flashed back to that hospital hallway where I pleaded with God for more time with my baby.  I realized in that lonely hallway that Grace was on the edge of her life and that all I wanted was for more time with her.  So I pleaded like never before and although God did not answer my prayer for complete healing for here on earth, He did grant me the gift of time.

Every so often my spirit is still nudged and reminded that we all are living on borrowed time.  Every breath we take is given to us it is not ours to determine the days, hours or seconds.  When one is in crisis this thought of 'living each day like it's your last' is suddenly slammed into your face like a cruel, unexpected wind that takes your breath away.  Yet when the winds of crisis settle, we fall back into this deceptive thought that life is ours and runs on our time and in our control.  The reality is that we are all living on borrowed time.  I am reminded this rainy Monday to love Christ and others with all that I have so that when crisis comes, I will have no regrets about loving this life I have been given.  I am challenged today as I think and pray for the beautiful brave souls going through all sorts of differing crises today.  I am challenged to love my family and community around me so that they know who I belong to, not only in times of crisis, but in the beautifully mundane moments of the everyday as well.

New Year Musings

Yes it is that time of year again, where we take stock of the past and look to the future with doe like eyes of anticipation.  A new year is a time of fresh starts, new hopes, and most of all a clean slate.  Last year at the beginning of the year, I met with a dear friend who shared with me that she chooses a verse each year as a theme verse!  What an awesome idea!  So I followed her example and I chose the verse "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13  Instead of setting up 'goals' for the year, I chose to live my life through the lens of this verse.  Working as a substitute teacher was a HUGE step for me in my grief journey.  I actually thought I would never return to teaching after our journey with Grace.  Going through the process of being hired and entering new situations everyday as a sub is draining in every way.  It's hard being the new girl in the staff room every day and there are days when I leave the classroom with a migraine and a broken heart for the hurting kids I encounter.  Don't get me wrong, there are other days where I leave uplifted, feeling like I had made a difference in the life of a child.  Yet, as a sub, you never know what kind of situation you will be walking into.  The stress of it is hard, and after experiencing such deep grief, these normal stresses earlier on in my grief would have left me paralyzed.  

So as I entered 2012, strength in HIM who carried me through the darkest valley of my life, became my daily lens.  Each day, I cinched my waist with the belt of truth, His word and prayed that He would be with me in every situation and circumstance.  

So as I look back on this year I can see so clearly how God has strengthened me and has brought yet another level of healing.  I am in awe some days that we are coming up to Gracie's 5th birthday in just a few short weeks.  Five years old seems, well...old.  In my heart she will always be baby Grace, but in reality, she would be 5...entering Kindergarten in the fall.  My heart misses her, aches for her, and will always grieve for the years lost.  Yet, simultaneously I am also so incredibly thankful for the year I had her.  Although the pain of her loss hasn't dulled, I know that God has done a miraculous work in me for I am finding joy in life again. Although in the early days of grief I still found joy in my children and my family, the joy of 'life' had gone. Things that used to make me laugh were somehow dimmed.  For example, Nerf gun fights at Christmas with the Evans Family have been a long standing tradition that my brother-in-law started when we were just teens.  We would rampage through the house, shooting through Christmas tree branches and hiding in stairwells, laughing until our sides hurt.  This is the first year since Grace died that I actually joined in on our family Nerf Gun fight.  Now this may not seem like a big deal to an outsider, but in my heart it was representative of something great.  Everyday joys are returning and what makes this notable is that I can experience this joy without the guilt.  You see, when you lose someone you love so deeply, you feel guilty when you enjoy life for your heart is torn by the opposing emotions.  How can I possibly feel happy when my heart is so very sad?  Learning to balance these opposing emotions is getting easier, and through HIM who gives me strength I am finding joy without guilt more and more.

John 15: 4 is my theme verse for this year.  Now that I have found the strength in HIM to do things I never thought I could, my heart's cry for this year is that I lean into Him in order to do all that He has called me to do.  I was just talking about this thought with my sister the other day.  I want to be the 'me' He created me to be.  So here it is...."Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me."  

If you do choose to join in on this challenge... what will be your verse for this year and why did you choose it?  May the year 2013 bring us closer to Him and His will for us!  Oh how I long to be who HE sees in me.  As I look to this year in hopes of being pruned and branched out by the Father I leave you with a  quote from dear ol' Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery - "I'm not a bit changed--not really. I'm only just pruned down and branched out. The real ME--back here--is just the same."

Christmas Redeemed

Check out my article entitled "Christmas Redeemed" published in the Testimony Magazine!

Finding meaning in the madness of the season.

Click here for article

The Gift of Time

We were so honored to be asked to share our amazing journey of Grace as family speakers of Canuck Place at this year's Gift of Time Gala.  What an amazing night.  We were blessed beyond measure to have been chosen to share the life of Grace and return thanks to Canuck Place as an organization for the enormous amount of support they were not only to Grace but to us as a family.  

Many of you have asked about the night and our speech.    We are very pleased to say that over $700,000 was raised that night for Canuck Place!!!!  We were overwhelmed by the generosity in the room!  Many supporters told us they gave because of a direct result of sharing Grace's story!  Oh how that made our hearts sing!  

Here is just a snippet/portion of our speech from that night...

Nelia:  William Arthur Ward stated that feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.  Tonight I am so excited to finally GIVE the long awaited gift of THANKS and gratitude to Canuck Place as an organization with all of its doctors, nurses, staff and generous donors such as yourselves here tonight.  We wear the name of a Canuck Place Family with pride and to be asked to share tonight is an honour we do not take lightly.

....Even before the kindness of the staff, and the confidence of the doctors and nurses, my soul felt at peace.  It felt so strange after being in a state of fight or flight for so long, to feel peace.  We met with staff and walked through the house and learned that CP was far more than we had ever imagined it to be.  We were told that the staff at CP were not there to stop the roller coaster of Grace’s illness, rather they were there to provide comfort and support for as long as the ride would last.  No one was trying to ‘fix’ her and no one was frustrated that she didn’t fit a typical mold.  The nurses were so in love with our sweet babe and literally fought over who would be the first to cuddle her.  Do you know what that did to this tired mother’s heart?  I was so tired of the fight…the fight of advocating for my helpless babe…the fight of trying to get people to listen and to care…to notice her.  And here – at CP the staff saw her value and it showed.  She was not just a patient…they knew her by name and loved her and for us that made all the difference.

And tonight we want to help you see all that Canuck Place does through a two different lenses…through the perspective of a mother and a father.

Nelia: To see CP through the lens of a mother’s heart is where I would like to take you tonight.  To fit into a few minutes all the stories and memories of our amazing journey of Grace at CP is impossible.  So I chose the nearest and most dearest stories of thankfulness that stood out most during our time at CP with our sweet baby Grace.

Being away from my family was taxing…my two older children were still little themselves at the tender ages of 4 and 2 and a half.  The separation of our family and missing out on life together was excruciating for me as a mom.  I missed out on a lot of life with my family and they missed a lot of time with Grace.  I felt caught between two opposing worlds and pulled equally from either side.  One of the greatest gifts CP ever gave to me as a mother was the opportunity for my family to walk through the darkest valley of our life together…as one.   CP felt like a home away from home….being together under one roof to walk this painful journey together was the greatest gift to my weary soul. 

There was such a joy in knowing that my older children and my husband could pop in and see Gracie, hug her and hold her, sing to her, just be with her.  Olivia and Isaiah loved being at CP…they flourished while there as they frolicked from the volcano room where they could jump and play, to the sand room (as they affectionately called it) where they received play therapy, to the school/dress up art room where they could so freely express themselves, to the gorgeous grounds, garden and play house – my kids were happy….all 3 of them – and finally so was I.

To be able to feel joy and peace during such a tumultuous time seems so backwards.  Yet, this is the power of CP.  To take a mother who was so broken-hearted and weary from the journey of gradual loss and allow her the gift of finding joy in the most painful moment of her life is nothing short of a miracle.

CP gifted us with time.  I love that the gala is phrased ‘The Gift of Time’ because to a parent with a child with a life threatening illness there is NOTHING more valuable than time.  We nearly lost Grace in Sept 2008 –when we were first introduced to CP.  I remember crying out to God in that hospital hallway pleading for more time.  More time to love her than trying to fix her, more time to hold her rather than researching a cure, more time to be together as a family rather than an ocean apart   TIME…indeed the most precious gift.  I am forever grateful for the extra five months that we had with our sweet Grace.  Time with our gentle warrior, as we lovingly called her, was like water to my thirsty soul.   When I would get caught up in the moment and begin worrying about the future and how long we would have her, I would hear a gentle whisper…”to enjoy each moment…embrace her beautiful life, make a conscience effort to be present in each moment with Grace – to cherish this time!” Those precious moments and memories with our Gracie Grace were like a vapour in the wind…yet somehow miraculously CP helped to suspend those moments allowing us to share a lifetime of love with our sweet baby in a short amount of time. 

ANDREW:  What does Canuck Place mean to me as a father? When I came to Canuck Place I was beaten down and felt like a failure.  Fathers are supposed to provide for and protect their children and I could do neither for Grace.  Everything was moving so fast that I couldn't keep up.  Our stay at Canuck Place allowed us to slow down enough to get grounded. The care that they provided--physical, emotional, and spiritual--allowed this father to rise up and be a man again.

I watched and talked with other fathers who were walking with the same pain I was.  Somehow this made me feel normal.    I had not failed my family and Gracie; rather I was doing everything I could to make sure that Gracie was in the best possible place for her.  I was providing and protecting.  Canuck Place restored my dignity as a father.  At Canuck Place on the front desk when you walk in there will appear a green light every once in a while.  When I first saw it I asked one of the nurses what it meant and she told me that it was to let everyone in the house know that someone was coming to the end of their life's journey.  When our family was at Canuck Place for the last time with Gracie and she was very obviously coming close to her end I remember asking the doctors and nurses if we should turn on the green light.  In their wisdom they turned around and told us that it was our choice; did we think Gracie was coming to the end?  This was a small but amazing gift that they gave us.  They gave us a measure of control in an uncontrollable situation and for this father it gave me a sense of honour that I could play this part in my daughter's journey.  I know that the doctors knew more than me and probably knew that these were Gracie's last hours way before I did, but they let us come to the realization on our own.  They could have easily dictated what we were to do (turn on the green light, call your family, call the funeral home).  Instead they were so gracious and caring.  Canuck Place gave me back my dignity and honour as a father in those moments.

The peace that I had at Canuck Place was not just because of their care while Gracie was alive but also their care for us after she died.  They have helped us in so many ways and one in particular stands out in my mind.  On the morning that Gracie died we were given some time to just be with her as a family.  I remember that Nelia bathed her and dressed her up so pretty.  Her skin was a beautiful pure white and her face was so peaceful, all her pain was gone. It was in this time with Gracie that I was able to dance my last dance with her.  I played the song "I will dance with Cinderella" by the artist Steven Curtis Chapman and I dance with my little girl.  I danced that dance for allthe dances I would miss.  Dancing with her in the living room as she practiced for her first dance, for her prom, and for her wedding.  I was able to freely weep and embrace my little girl.  It gave me a memory that I will hold dear to in my heart for the rest of my life.  It allowed me to release my daughter to go to her Heavenly Father and this gave me peace.  The staff at Canuck Place didn't rush us or dictate our last moments with Grace and this brought a measure of healing to my broken heart.  It has made it possible to continue healing 3 1/2 years later.

Canuck Place allowed me to be a father and husband; to play with my kids, to date my beautiful wife Nelia, and to care for Gracie.  You have all allowed me to be a father to my children and a husband to my wife so from the depths of my heart I wish to say thank you.  Thank you, because in the chaos of our lives, Canuck Place was a haven of comfort, peace and dignity that allowed this man to be a father once again.

CONCLUSION - Andrew:  Our family will always remember CP as a place where Gracie lived, not solely the place where she died.  In fact, after returning from our first ever trip to DisneyWorld, we asked Olivia and Isaiah where they wanted to go for our next family vacation and without skipping a beat they both said – Canuck Place!  Isn’t that amazing?  As a family one of our favorite places in the whole world to be is at CP – for it reminds us of a sweeter time when our family was whole, as one, and we were happy for we were together. 

And so tonight we stand here before you so forever grateful.  You – each of you here tonight has made a difference in our life – and in the life of our sweet baby GRACE.  We are just one family of many that wear the name of a CP family proudly.  To share our amazing journey of Grace with you here tonight has made our hearts sing.  

We agree wholeheartedly with the purpose stated on CP’ website that Canuck Place encourages each child to ‘embrace life’ and believes in enhancing the quality of whatever time a child may have left by empowering them to live fully and joyfully

And that is what it all comes down to tonight isn’t it?  Celebrating the beautiful life of these children…to sing their song even after they are gone!  And so we leave you tonight with a quote from the beloved Children’s Author Dr. Seuss - ”Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It’s not”

Stewards of the Story

I often think of my journey of Grace as a hidden treasure.  Most people don't know the pain we have walked through when they first meet us.  We have learned how to engage in today with a piece of our hearts already in heaven, the balance is easier some days than others, but we have been miraculously & beautifully mended.

I like to think that my story of Grace is a gift, a testimony of God's faithfulness and love.  I like to think of myself as a steward of this story/gift.  I know when I share about Grace and the beauty of her life that God is glorified and honored.  Speaking about Grace also makes my heart sing, it awakens the part of my heart that feels muted by her death.  I will always share her story and hope to be a faithful steward of this precious gift, the gift of Grace's life.

Today my sweet Olivia has a play date.  A cute little gal is over and they are gleefully playing Littlest Pet Shops.  I can hear them play..."here's what on the menu" & "sorry we late for dinner."  In between their play of animals I hear the following conversation.

Friend: "My mom has 4 kids."
Olivia: "My mom had 4 kids."
F:  "What do you mean?"
O: "Well my mom lost a baby in her tummy, but also Grace died"
F:  "Grace was your sister right?"
O:  "Yes she was my baby sister"
F:  "What did she look like, did you get to see her"
O:  "Oh yes we got to see her and hold her"
F:  "So did she look different?"
O: "Her eyes were always kinda squinty"
F: "So did you see her die?"
*At this point I wondered if I should intervene, but felt the Spirit say "trust me"
O: "No, she died at 1 in the morning I think, and I was sleeping"
F:  "Tell me everything that happened."
O:  "Well she looked like she was perfect"
F:  "Like she was sleeping right?"
O:  "No like she was perfect, nothing wrong with her!  Her eyes were open and she looked like she was all better"
F:  "Was she lying down?"
O:  "No my mom was holding her, cradling her and then she looked better then she just lay down"
F: "Then what?"
O: "My mom felt God"
F: "What?"
O:  "God...my mom felt God"
 *There was silence here for a bit...
F: "Did you bury her in the backyard?"
O: "No we weren't allowed, we have to take a ferry to visit her grave"
F: "That's sad..."
F: "My friends cats died."
O: "Oh that is sad"
*And then they were back to playing with their animals!

Needless to say I was in tears and the lump in my throat was so big I could barely breathe, but I have never been so proud of my sweet girl.  My Olivia also has a story to share.  She too is a faithful steward of this precious gift of Grace.   She has also been beautifully mended through the pain of loss and has come through with such a deep understanding of life, love, and beauty in death.

Children are so pure in their thoughts and feelings!  I have learned so much about grief through watching Olivia and Isaiah.  They grieve hard, but then it's done.  They are able to feel the pain, and then move forward in peace.  I am so blessed by my children and am continually drawing from their example.  Funny isn't it?  You would think that as parents, you would be the one to do all the teaching, but what a wonder it is when the teacher becomes the student!

Thank you Jesus for entrusting us with Grace.  Thank you for beautifully mending my precious family and giving us a song in our heart that must be sung!  My heart's prayer is that we as a family will be found as good and faithful stewards of the amazing gift we have in our dear Gracie Grace!

To laugh in joy, to grieve in sorrow....

Yesterday marked 15 years of marriage to my best friend.  I know it sounds cliche and a little sugary sweet, but it's the truth.  As we watched our wedding video with our children, our hearts swelled with love and memories of days gone by.  Our kids giggled with astonishment to see what their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles looked like 15 years ago. I squirmed at embarrassing parts and laughed my head off at others, and cried at the beauty of the day.

Andrew composed a song for me and performed it for me at the wedding.  I was in awe as I watched him sing to me.  He was just a young kid, but his heart was mine and I knew it then and I know it now.  How blessed I am to have found such true love at such a young age.  Some people wondered if we were ready to be married at such tender ages, yet I knew Andrew was to be mine, and I was to be his.  Life-long marriage was modeled to us by parents who loved each other and God and I knew we had found that kind of love.  Although we were naive and young, I remember wise words from my cousin Linda, who assured me how blessed I was to have found my life long love so early on in life.  I love the shock on people's faces when they hear we have been married for 15 years!  Andrew was getting his hair cut yesterday and the hair dresser nearly fell over when she heard that he had been married that long!  In a world that is so well versed in brokenness and faltering emotion, choosing to love after 15 years truly is a testament of the role that God plays in a marriage.

It was humbling to hear our vows and to see the young promise of hope in our faces and in our smiles.  We were on top of the world.  We were in that sweet new love stage, and meant every word of our vows.  Yet no one could have prepared us for when joy turned to sorrow and our vows became more than just words.  We had our ups and downs in marriage of course, yet our journey of Grace led us to the path of unequivocal sorrow and pain.  As I watched our young hopeful selves vow before God and man to grieve together in sorrow and love each other through sickness and in health my heart was wrung out.  Memories of our sweet baby, the hospital visits, the ultrasounds, the medicines, the medical teams, the countless hours of prayer and fasting, the constant hope that things would change, followed by the somber realization and disappointment that she would not be with us long, all seemed to pour out from my heart.

No, no one could have prepared us as we pledged our lives to each other of the true sorrow we would walk through.  No amount of pre-marital counselling, no inspirational talks would ever have been enough to sustain us through the loss of our sweet babe.  It is only through the anchor that is Christ that we grew closer together instead of further apart.  We met quite a few families in hospital wards, doctor offices and emergency rooms that were broken by the strain of living with a child with such special needs.  There were many times Andrew and I grieved differently which often led to stress and hurt in our marriage, but the constant tether we both had to God would draw us back to one another.  

As I reflect on these 15 years together, I can see the fruit that has come by choosing to honor those vows we made that day.

Even if I had known the pain that awaited us, I would still choose you Andrew.  For the love that was borne from such deep valleys of pain has been equaled by the joy and beauty of the mountain top.  There is no one I would rather do life with.  It has always been you and always will be...through the joy and the sorrow, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others...it is to you, that I continually choose to make this vow.

Size 4

As I was shopping today, grief found me.  It is interesting to me when the waves of grief decide to crash to shore.  It is not always when I think it will be, and usually not at the best of times.  Today as I was walking up and down aisles, a pretty little girl outfit caught my eye.  It was a size 4..the size that Gracie would be in if she was still with us.  As my eyes scanned to all the little shirts, and skirts and socks my heart wrenched within me.  Normally when the waves of grief hit in a public place I would try to get out as quickly as I could.  Today, however, I walked the girls clothing aisle and dreamed of her.  What would she look like now?  If only I could cuddle her in those sweet little pink pj's.  Oh that lovely purple dress would look so sweet on her.  I wonder if she would like purple - I wonder what her favorite color would be?  I wonder if she would like clips and pony tails, or would she prefer headbands like her sister?

Today, I allowed myself to cry and think of her, and as I did the memories of her filled my heart to overflowing.  I also allowed my heart the luxury of dreaming of what she must look like now, and all that she can finally do. It amazes me that 3 years can go by so quickly and that life does in fact go on. Yet it also amazes me that in an instant the tiniest reminder, like a size 4 tag on a pretty pink outfit, can remind me of my sweet little girl.  And although these reminders twist my heart into painful positions, the memories that pour out are so very precious reminding me once again that beauty can be found in pain and that is a wonderful thing.

Canucks...OUR team.

Growing up I remember the scene clearly. The tv was locked into one channel for the evening afterall it was Hockey Night in Canada: ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaaaaa....ba-ba-ba-ba-BA-baaaaaa....ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BA-BA-ba-ba, BA-ba-ba-ba-babababababababa! You know this theme song don't you? Of course you do, around our house in meant one thing...the Canucks are going to play!

Now I know many people these days are speaking ill of the Canucks, people love to bring others down for some strange reason. I remember in the 80's year after year the Canucks were not at the top of their game like other teams....let's say the Oilers. I remember asking my Dad...why do you like the Canucks so much? Why do you cheer for them even though they lose, and not cheer for a team that you know will win? He said, 'well I support the team not the win. When you choose a team, you are loyal to it.'

Years later that response sticks with me. Truth be told I cried myself to sleep in '94 when we were so close to the cup, and to be completely honest my heart hasn't quite healed from the anxiety produced from last year's journey to Lord Stanley's Cup!!! Yet, I support the team not the win. Will I ever cheer for another team? Never. The Canucks are OUR team.

Let me tell you a little about this team of ours. You see, this team is more than a just a hockey team for me. This team of upstanding gentlemen give of their time and some even of their money to support families in our province... especially kids in our province...specifically MY own kids. If you know our story of Grace, then you know how connected we have been to Canuck Place and the difference Canuck Place has made in our life and in the life of our sweet Gracie. These players not only volunteer time at Canuck Place but also at BC Children's Hospital. Some of their wives even give of their time to help the lives of families right here in our own province.

So for any nay-sayers out there...I want to ask you a question. Would you be willing to walk into a Children's Hospice and hold a dying baby? Would you be willing to enter a hospital ward with sick children all around you? Would you give of your time to come and take pictures with little ones fighting for their life with cancer? I remember when Luongo was coming to Canuck Place. I dressed our sweet baby in a cute little outfit. I kept telling her she had to look her best for when Luongo came a'courtin! He came, took pictures, and we even met his lovely wife and little girl. The morale of the house was through the roof. For a moment the reality of life in a children's hospice where life is nearing it's completion for tiny souls was halted, and smiles and happiness prevailed. Yes, the Canucks are a team, they win some and they lose some. Yet, to me they are more than just some guys playing on ice for a cup...they are role models and even heroes in the eyes of our kids.

Don't get me wrong...although I would LOVE to see them win the cup, that is not the reason I cheer. I support the Canucks because in the words of my father I cheer 'not for the win,' but simply because I am loyal to OUR team.

GO CANUCKS GO!!!!!!

Picture of Roberto Luongo with my father, Isaias Ponte, and my jewels, Olivia, Isaiah and our now angel...Gracie.

Grief's Muscle Memory....

Life on a whole is really good right now! No one in my family circle is ill, I have amazing family & friends, I am subbing in a school I love, serving in a great children's ministry and church...yet I am feeling exhausted and blah? I feel ridiculous feeling so glum on such a glorious day of sun and after a lovely weekend celebrating with family! So why so glum?

I miss Grace. There I said it. I know it has been three years, and I know some people would say it is better to move on and not conjure up the past...but I miss her. In someways I want to just say 'sure where's the switch, how do I turn this grief thing off?' After-all who wants to feel such a painful emotion such as grief? Yet my spirit will not allow me to forget. I literally can 'feel' grief. Don't misunderstand me though, the physical pain of grief has subsided greatly from the early days of grief! I have more good days than bad for sure. God has worked a miracle in my life that has allowed me to re-engage with life even after losing my sweet pea! I live with this delicate balance - daily engaging in life here on earth with part of my heart already in heaven! Yet, as much as I would like to close my eyes and open them to find that my grief has vanished, my inner self won't let me forget.

It's kinda like when you are training for a run of some sort. My sister is training for a half marathon right now, and even though it's been awhile since she ran, her body remembers.... it's muscle memory. And so, I believe my heart will always have this memory retention. No matter how many years fly by, there will always be the default imprint of the pain that has molded my heart to where it is now. Whether it is watching Olivia or Isaiah graduating, or watching Andrew dance with Olivia on her wedding day, no matter the occasion, no matter the amount of time I will always remember that empty space in my heart, and that longing for Grace.

I know some may argue, but Jesus is the healer! I do agree, Jesus has healed me, and mended my heart. My blog is titled Beautifully Mended, not beautifully broken for a reason. I do believe my heart has been healed, yet there are cracks and it is these fractured lines that remind me of the pain endured. Yet, the pain is not in vain. I still miss Grace. I always will. I am thankful for the grief memory muscle for it reminds me of where I was, how far I've come, and where I am headed! For although I miss her, and my heart still yearns for her - I KNOW that one day my heart will finally be at peace and in one piece. Jesus will wipe the tears away for good, smoothing over the cracks and fractures... removing the longing for heaven once and for all!

Often here I’m sad and weary,
As the days go by;
Oft the scenes are dark and dreary,
Teardrops dim my eye;
But when this short life is o’er,
We shall weep and sigh no more,
But rejoice forevermore
In our home on high.

Anticipation by Charles Naylor (1911)