Ready...Set...

Today I will walk into our neighborhood school, with my sweet little boy in hand and attend 'Ready, Set, Learn.' This program is geared for 4 year olds who will be entering Kindergarten in the Fall. It gives the children (and parents) a look at the school, introduce them to teachers and staff, as well as enjoy fun little engaging activities. I can't believe my boy will be going to Kindergarten in just a few short months. I have been trying all day to suppress the well of emotion that is brewing within. There is something difficult in allowing your children to grow up. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounded ridiculous as I typed it, but that is how I am feeling. Time seems to be my enemy. Days fly by at a super warp speed, leaving me dazed at times to truly see how quickly my children are in fact growing. They are growing not only in physicality, but emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually. I get so wrapped up in the calendar that I lose sight of these precious moments of growth. I am so busy folding laundry and wiping down counters that I am guilty of missing opportunities to just get down on the floor and play Polly Pockets or Toy Story. One day I will be folding laundry and wishing I had the choice of a clean house or a tiny hand to hold. So why, even when I have already learned this lesson, do I find myself back here? Why is this balance of keeping a clean house (cause let's face it I do not want to end up on TLC's Hoarders) and also making time with my kids a priority so difficult? As these life markers appear - first day of K, riding a bike with no training wheels, play dates without me, etc. I need to see them as a positive tool, a way to re-focus on what is truly important.

I think for me, these milestone's remind me that although it is a first for Isaiah it is also a last for me as a mother. It pricks my heart to the core as it reminds me that I will never walk into an elementary school holding Gracie's hand. It is again, bittersweet. So sweet because I am excited for Isaiah and all the new things he will learn and experience, yet also bitter as I am reminded of how short life experiences were for my sweet pea.

So here I am, feeling much the same as my son I am sure; nervous, excited, sad, and happy all rolled into one. I know our heavenly Father is cheering us on. He is saying ready, set... LET GO! It is not easy letting go of what you know as familiar and comfortable. Standing on the edge of the unknown is the apex of such anxiety. Those few short moments before you let go and free-fall into His plan and care is when the enemy takes his greatest jabs. So as I stand on the edge of this last stage of preschool years, I take a deep breath, say a prayer and cheer on my son (and myself) to get ready, get set...and let go!

Intentional GRACE.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

- Elizabeth Stone

I love this quote, it rings so true in my own heart. We have our first child and we realize fully how we will never be the same. We look into the eyes of this precious, little one and realize that she is no longer safely nested within us, but has been introduced to this cold, and sometimes scary world. God instills in us, as mothers, this mama bear protection switch. This switch is usually on stand-by until the moment we realize that we are responsible for our baby. The moment we hear that newborn cry - the switch is set and locked to 'ON.' That is why we wake from a deep sleep just moments before we hear the baby's cry for milk. Our bodies were created to protect and care for our children. So what happens when we can't be there to protect? As our children grow and go to school, or to a sports class, or Sunday School what then? We lose a sense of control.

Yet, I am beginning to see that control is not the same as protection. I am learning that hovering over each step my child makes, lining pillows on the sidewalk as she learns to roller-blade may not actually help, but in fact may even hinder. We always want our kids to succeed, be number one and always feel happy. I think a healthier stand point is striving for safety, boundaries, love and security - these are at least attainable. This yearning for safety for our children is so deep wired, which is so good, but we must be careful to allow some freedom and room to fail. Our small group is reviewing a DVD series and in it was this concept of failing. Our kids need to be allowed the grace to fail and learn the tools of restoration. We are ALL in desperate need of such grace. So, when our child falls from the playground structure even after we told him that the monkey bars were too high, what do we do with the guilt? I know for me, guilt is always right under the surface of almost all I do. I can't protect my kids all the time, nor could I stop the process of what happening to sweet Gracie. We are commissioned to set boundaries for our children, set the stage of God's love and provide security, but really the scope of control ends there. I had such little control when it came to Gracie, which was devastating to my type-A, controlling personality. Learning to trust an unseen God in the face of my deepest fear was the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn. My journey of Grace taught me more than ever before how children are but on loan to us for a very little time. What we do with that time is precious. We must be intentional in all that we do, even intentional in allowing our children to fall. Now don't get me wrong, I am not speaking about neglect. Neglect is different. Neglect is willful and selfish. Rather, I am speaking of intentional grace.

Allowing our children room to fail is intentional grace. When we see our child fall off his bike and skin his knee and help him back up again, we are teaching him about hardships and the perseverance needed. This will give him tools down the road when he wants to quit the sports team cause practices are too demanding. When we allow our child to work out her friendship fights, we are giving them the tools to working with difficult personality types. Taking a failure and turning into a lesson of grace and restoration is our Father's heart. Life can be so overwhelming. And if you, like me, feel the lack of control bogging you down, I encourage you today, rid yourself of guilt...and replace it with intentional grace. This life can get you down, but He is there offering you reprieve. After-all, you are HIS child too and He is calling you to learn the unforced rhythms of intentional GRACE.

The Message - Matt. 11:28-29b

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace..."

Spring is Coming...

It is hard to differentiate Gracie's birthday and her heaven due date - for we grieve both and celebrate both. It is a bittersweet time of year, and always will be. The last two weeks of February and the first week of March have been painful. It was our first 'go' at getting through this time of year in 'real life'.

Last year, although still painful, we had the amazement of Disneyland and the feeling of peace that we knew would come to us while in that magical place as it did in Disney World the year prior. We spent the 3rd (last year) embroidering adorable pink Mickey ears with Gracie's name. Wearing our purple Gracie shirts with pride, sharing her story with anyone and everyone who would ask. We took pictures at the castle. She was with us in every moment. We made an album with all of our favorite pictures of her. We chose our favorite pictures and shared with one another why we chose that particular picture as our favorite. We lit candles, we cried together, and then we celebrated her freedom and healing with a Dumbo ride in the night sky.

This year we were over-committed, sick, and just emotional. This year, life didn't stop, and we didn't guard the time as wisely. Sometimes we feel as though the world is encouraging us to just move along, when our hearts are screaming for us to put on the brakes!

We are so very thankful to you our dear family and friends who continue to rally around us! The truth is, at the time of the death of a loved one, support is everywhere you turn. As the days sneak by, and months turn to years, the support often dwindles. Yet, I want to take this opportunity to THANK YOU - all of you who have sent emails, phone calls, cards, flowers, FB messages, read my blog, gave me a hug, and had the courage to ask how I am doing in my grief. What a blessing it is to know such support and love. God has surrounded me with a wonderful family - family who remember along side me, cry along side me and help carry the load. He has also given me so many amazing friends who truly care about me and are willing to share a tear or two. Also, I am so thankful for the acquaintances and newly found kindred spirits I have met along the way who have encouraged my heart through a blog comment, or a FB message. What a joy it is to know that Gracie is still touching lives - it brings a smile to my grieving heart when I hear the story of someone who came across my blog and found comfort and peace.

As we enter Spring, my heart breathes a sigh of relief. Spring reminds me of a time when Gracie was flourishing - which brings a lightness to my step. I love the newness, the lovely colours, the freshness in the air! Spring also reminds me of the new life awaiting us in heaven, and the beauty that will be found there. As the cherry blossom trees around Gracie's playground begin to bud - it reminds me that one day I will see my sweet pea in full bloom - and so I wait in anticipation of this promise of newness of life!

Song of Solomon 2: 10-13

My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come.

In Between the Seasons...

Ever get the feeling like you are in a stand-still, stuck somewhere. Neither here nor there, just somewhere in between? Why is it when life is grand, life flies by at a warp speed? Yet, when you are in a rut - it feels like an eternity passes with each passing moment.

That is where I find myself today - stuck in between the hardest two dates of the year for me. Yes, holidays are difficult, but from February 14-March 3rd, I am stuck. Although there are good memories in this time, most seem to reflect the final pain and loss. The weather as well is so cold and snow has returned...what is up with that? This past weekend was one of BEAUTY! The sun was out, birds were chirping, the grass green and the sky so blue! The hope of Spring was dangling right in front of me like a carrot! Then in an instant - *poof* - came the snow.

Snow is beautiful in its own right. There is something magical about a pure white powdered snow dusting an evergreen tree like icing sugar! There is such grandeur in this season of winter if you have no place to go and can cozy up by the fire wrapped in a snuggly blanket gazing out the window at this snowy wonderland. Yet for me, seeing the snow outside pulled me back into the coldness and bleakness, back into the winter of my grief.

And this is where I have been these last few days. Yet, as I looked for signs of spring - I found some! I have felt the warmth of spring in a few ways. Some island friends sent me this picture of Gracie's playground covered in snow. The beauty of the snow mixed with the vibrant colours of the play structure blessed my heart today. Speaking to my dearest childhood friend last night and the upcoming birth of her second daughter reminded me of the circle of life and all the joys that are yet to come. Laughing with her seemed to crack the cold and sad casing around my heart. Another thoughtful and dear friend sent me a card in the mail and as I read her gentle words, I could feel the warm, salty tears falling down my face, and thawing my heart. Then another sweet friend dropped off a beautiful bouquet of tulips and a heart-warming book of quotes today just filled my heart with thankfulness. These God 'hugs' (as my sister likes to call them) reminded me that even though I am still navigating my way through this valley of grief once again, I am not alone. How thankful my heart is for all of you that have joined me in the pain and grief. You are a treasure to my grieving heart. I may be in between the seasons, but I am not alone.

"The healing began when a friend embraced me, leaving some of his tears on my cheek."

~Time Remembered~

My Sweetest Little Valentine...

We are coming up to three years, when our most beautiful little Valentine entered our lives. She showered us with love, joy and memories that are too numerous to count. Her 'dates' are so special to us. She was actually scheduled for a C-section on the 12th of February 2008. We went in to the hospital that morning fully anticipating the birth of our Gracie. I dressed in the beautiful blue paisley hospital gown, allowed a nursing student to play pin the tail on the donkey with an IV needle and my arm, and waited 5 hours just to be told that there were no available beds in the NICU. We were anticipating the 12th as her birthday, we had set in our minds that it was to be the day we would finally get to meet this little one that we had been agonizingly praying over. So, when we were sent home, we were confused as to why God would have allowed that? We had people praying literally all over the world for us on that day, why would He let this happen? Two days later we received a call, it was Valentine's Day 2008. Looking back now I am in awe at how God cared SO much for me, that He orchestrated Gracie's birthday to fall on Valentine's Day. He knew that I would look back each year on Valentine's day in thankfulness that He gave me Gracie on this day of LOVE.

Two years ago, we celebrated Gracie's first birthday. It was bittersweet as we had been told that she didn't have much time left. Yet, I was so very thankful that God had blessed me with Gracie for an entire year. We almost lost her in September 2008, and I pleaded with God for more time to just hold her, for more time to be her mother and not her advocate, doctor, pharmacist, or nurse. He granted me the extra months for which I am forever grateful. I can look at each day of the year and know that she was with me on that day in 2008. Her life sure does parallel the seasons. She was born in the spring when all was new and fresh, and hope and joy was strong. We had a wonderful summer with her (although not without difficulties), and were able to enjoy the sun. We even made it on a vacation together and made some wonderful memories, which are now some of our most treasured memories. She started to regress in the Fall, and as the leaves started to lose their vibrant colours, she too began to lose her vigor. Then winter arrived, and as the leaves withered so did our sweet pea.

Gracie passed from my arms and into the arms of Jesus on March 3, 2009 - on her original due date, which I like to think was her Heaven Due Date. Some might say the dates are just co-incidental, but I know better. This was God showing me how much He loved me, by showing me in the details. I am forever thankful for Valentine's Day and for the depth of love that was given to me in my sweetest little Valentine.

Brokenness...

Today the rain is not just falling...it is pounding! The air is cold, the sky is grey and so is the tempest within my heart. For this time of year, winter, is a mirrored reflection of our grief season. We are in the bleakest, darkest, most barren place of our grief as we remember the lasts and the firsts. We remember the last time Gracie smiled, the last time she looked at us with recognition. We remember her dedication service, her birthday and then her heaven due date. We remember the pain she was in, and the pain we were in and the pain we still are in. We remember...the brokenness.

As I was shopping today I saw brokenness all around me. I could 'see' what I think at times, I am too busy to see. I didn't want to see it, I tried to just get in and get out of the store, but I couldn't. It was like the Lord was showing me all the deep pain of those around me. As I smiled at a young man in the wheelchair I choked down the ball of grief stuck in my throat. I wondered what Gracie would have had to endure had she lived longer. As I held the door open for an elderly lady my eyes filled with tears. By the time I got to the van I was in the full-fledged 'danger zone' of weeping. I cried for the young man in a wheelchair who couldn't string two words together, I cried for the elderly lady who looked so lonely, I cried for my friends who are walking through the valley of cancer, I cried for the families who have loved and lost their beloved children, I cried for hurting youth, I cried for unsaved loved ones, I cried for Gracie, I cried for me - I cried and cried. I can only imagine how God's heart grieves for this lost and broken world.

Today my heart is overwhelmed in brokenness. Is yours? On days where all I see is hurt, and all I feel is pain, I must remember that one day Jesus will make all the hurt stop, all the pain cease, and all the bad things untrue. Oh how I long for that day...to see my Gracie Grace healed and whole, to have my heart perfectly healed with no more patched-up holes and cracks. Until then I ask that God will continue to unveil my eyes to the brokenness all around me, to stop myself from the whirlwind of this busy life, to see past my own pain and to help others in need.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to eternity

Hillsong United - Hosanna

That is what the PROMISE is for...

A song I heard on the radio "Dancing in the Minefields" (by Andrew Peterson) while driving to Costco, had me in tears. It speaks of a couple married young and now are looking back on 15 years of marriage. He could have been singing our story as we are just a year and a bit shy of 15 years married. He sings that it was harder than they could have ever imagined, but that is what the promise is for. Isn't that true? We often start out married life wanting to be at the 'end.' We want the compatibility, the friendship, the devotion and love that we see in couples that have been married for years and years. In our naivete we do not fully understand - it didn't just happen, it was hard work.

A solid marriage is promising to 'dance in minefields' and to 'sail in the storm' together, not abandon ship at the first sight of hardship. Unfortunately, more people seem to give up on the promise that was meant to be eternal, which really is a pity for they will never experience the beauty, strength and depth that comes through hardships. We get so caught up in saying 'yes to the dress' that we don't always realize the profound commitment that marriage requires. The film Eat, Pray, Love. is in my opinion an example of selfishness when it comes to marriage. The main character marries the handsome all-around 'good guy', but she decides it just isn't the life she wanted. Even though he is committed to working it out, and loves her, she desires more and won't settle for anything less than what she thinks she deserves. WOW. Is that not our world today? In the moment, couples can get caught up in the emotion of love and get married with all the frills. Then a few years down the line things either get tough and life seems like a battle that is easier walked away from. Or life becomes boring and mundane and one (or both sides) decide there must be 'more' than this. (I must add here that I do realize that there are valid reasons for divorce - such as abuse, etc., I am not referring to this of course).

Andrew often is asked to officiate weddings, and in turn he often will provide some marriage counselling. One thing that he tries to make so clear (and this is worth the price of admission right here) is that love is so much more than just an emotion. For a marriage to thrive, not just survive, is to have the mind-set that love is more than an emotion, but rather is a commitment - a God decreed covenant. I think if we truly understand that, we would enter a marriage with much more reverence and deep understanding.

Before Gracie, Andrew and I had a wonderful relationship. Now looking back over our journey of Gracie, I can see how much deeper and sweeter our love is; yet this love would not have been so molded and strengthened by solely the joys of life, but rather it is borne from our pain. Hardships (whether we like it or not) are part of life. These trying times in life can make your love stronger if you devote yourselves to stick by one another through the good and the bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, IF being the operative word.

Goodness...marriage is hard, but it is also beautiful. I feel so blessed to have found my love when I was so young. I have now lived more days knowing Drew than I lived before he entered my life. He is my rock, my best friend, my one and forever love. Has life been a bowl of cherries? No. Do we always get along and never raise our voices? No. Has it been easy? No. Has it been worth it? Absolutely. So whatever stage you may be in - whether you are just choosing people to 'date', whether you are engaged, married, or even married and wondering if you made the right choice. I challenge you to change the scope of how our society views marriage and look at it through the eyes of commitment - so much commitment and devotion that you and your spouse would be found dancing in the minefields.

My Portion.

I was sharing my journey of Grace with a newly found kindred spirit the other day. As we chatted, she shared with me a verse that has been on her heart. It is Lamentations 3:22. It is a beautiful verse that speaks of God's faithfulness, love and mercies. I love the end of the verse that states - "the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

During those beautifully difficult days of caring for my sweet pea, when the unknowns were as giants and the outlook dark and grim, I learned how to ask God for my portion, taking just what I needed to get by for that moment. Looking back I can see so clearly that as I asked, God provided. Not necessarily the bigger picture I was looking for - which was of course her full healing here on earth, but rather what He knew I needed at that moment. People would often ask, "how do you do it, how do you have joy in your eyes even though your physical state screams exhaustion?" My answer was always, God provides what I need, when I need it. I take things day by day, hour by hour, and in those days of trial and storm - even minute by minute.

Today as you busily go through your day, or feel so overwhelmed and feel as though the moments of your day are being engulfed in the waves of turmoil, I encourage you to stop and wait. Even in that place of anxiety and stress when everything around you begs for attention and action to be taken. The lie is that the storm will drown us, so we flail about, exhausting ourselves by giving into the lie that we will be lost out in this sea of uncertainty. Yet the truth is that because of Christ's great love, and His finished work of the cross, we will never be consumed. So instead of wasting your efforts in so desperately trying to save yourself, I encourage you to wait and ask the Lord for your portion. Ask that He would bless you - not with the grand and sometimes selfish desires of your heart - but with what He deems best for you in this moment. We don't have to beg Him, for He freely gives. We don't have to stomp our feet in demand for more if we truly trust that His mercies are new every morning. He is our Jehovah Jirah - our provider. Trust in His faithfulness, trust in His love, trust in His mercies. Surrender your desires unto Him and as you do I pray that He will bring such beauty and insight to your heart and soul - filling you, meeting you, until He truly is all you need...until He is your portion.

Lam. 3:22 - Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Post Christmas Blues...

The anticipation, the hype, the presents, and the day has gone and in it's absence is left a feeling not so 'red and green', but blue. The reality is that Christ's birth and gift of life and salvation is not saved for one day, so why do I feel so blue? I call it the post-Christmas let-down. Newton's third law of motion describes it as follows "for every action there is always and equal and opposite reaction." So as the high of Christmas ends, the pendulum then swings the other way and so comes the low. We over-eat and indulge, then we feel bad about ourselves. We don't exercise as there is no time between the holiday parties and rigorous schedules, leaving our bodies feeling exhausted. We spend too much money, then worry ourselves sick about it. We celebrate Christ's birth, but as we shelf the nativity and put away the tree, we also stuff away our devotion for another year.

Christmas this year was in some ways beautiful and special as it was our first Christmas in our new home and we also welcomed our new puppy, Lucy. She is such a sweetie and the joy she brings to our kids and to our home is wonderful. Spending time with family and celebrating the true meaning of Christmas was so beautiful. Yet, Christmas for me this year was also heart-wrenching as I missed my sweet baby Grace. The balance of enjoying the holidays, while trying to cope with the pain and loss is not an easy feat. I made it through the parties, the dinners, the stockings, and the gifts. With some cherished people, I could show my true emotions and feelings, and with others I put on the brave face. Some asked how I was, allowing me to share, cry and thus granting me the joy and freedom to feel the pain.

I don't want the pendulum of emotions to be stuck on the after-Christmas 'blues,' I want to look to the New Year with hope and renewed peace. I don't want to get stuck in the rut of the blues and blahs of January. The New Year is daunting as it brings with it Gracie's birthday and anniversary, yet it also brings joys unknown. I want to walk into this New Year with strength and be clothed in His grace. So today I am making a shift of heart and choosing not to dwell on the 'lows,' but rather am shifting my gaze upwards, to the only One who can take despair and transform it into joy; to the One who can balance the pendulum of extremities; to the One who can lift me from the blues and into the light. Lord, may I be able to look to tomorrow with joy in my step, hope in my heart, and a smile on my face.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Prov.31:26

Indicative Pain, Infinite Joy!

It is nearly Christmas, and with songs like 'it's the most wonderful time of the year,' I can't help but wonder is it really?

This time of year is bittersweet for many. For some - it very well may be the joyous occasion of the 'first' Christmas milestone of marriage, birth of a baby, new home etc. For others, it may be anything but wonderful as they look to this Christmas as potentially the 'last' Christmas with a loved one. Still others remember, with joy coupled with pain, as thoughts drift back to a Christmas of old that included a beloved family member.

Joy to the world the Lord has come...the earth rejoiced, and received her King. How beautiful that night must have been!!! Surely all of nature was at it's finest as it welcomed the Creator! We hear of the phenomenon of the bright star - so bright that it marked a place in history. Creation joined in the chorus of the angels. Oh holy night indeed.

In this most jubilant of nights however, there was a sobering reality. The birth of Jesus was surrounded with infinite joy, but this joy lead to indicative pain. His birth was, and will always be linked to His death. Jesus came to the world He created, and we celebrate it just as did the shepherds long ago. Yet, we often focus on merely the fact that He came, and can miss out as to why He came. Joy and pain - such opposing words and emotions. Often our greatest joys lead to our greatest pain, and in turn our most ardent pain may lead us to a deeper joy. Losing a child is the greatest, most ardent pain I have ever experienced, but that pain was equally if not more so matched by the unsurpassed joy that filled my life because of Gracie.

So as you celebrate the coming of our Lord, remember to thank Him not only for clothing Himself in humanity in the form of a baby, but for choosing to stay and grow into the perfect lamb, the sacrifice for us all! And that is what is on my heart this Christmas...indicative pain of infinite JOY!

Why lies He in such mean estate, Where ox and ass are feeding? Good Christians, fear, for sinners here The silent Word is pleading. Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,The cross be borne for me, for you. Hail, hail the Word made flesh,The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Back to the Basics...

The holiday rush is upon us! I love the holidays, but like most, feel the stress of all it brings. Decorations, baking, parties, practices, concerts, banquets, shopping (and who can forget the joys of finding parking) in over-crowded malls, can bring out the 'humbug' in us all. So as I enter this season, I can't help but wonder - how do I find balance? I love blessing my kids with gifts, I love the twinkling lights, Christmas trees, carols and the beauty that Christmas brings. Yet, finding that delicate balance between enjoying the holidays while NOT forgetting the true meaning in it all is a challenge.

So...how do I get back to meaning of it all? Back to the dirt floor of a stable, and the chorus of barnyard animals. Back to the shepherds abiding in the fields and the phenomenon of a curious, bright shining star. Back to a young girl harboring the greatest secret of all time. Back to the place where it all began - when the greatest became the least, when the King became the servant, when the Saviour became the Sacrifice.

I love that the story of Jesus' birth is filled with mystery, wonder and awe. I delight in the fact that the history of Christ goes beyond human logic and scientific calculations. Jesus was the fulfillment of the prophecies of old, He was the Rescuer the world had been waiting for. It is mind-boggling to think that this tiny baby had spun the world into existence with just a word. It is a wonder that this tiny little babe - helpless to survive without His mother - would one day save the world from all darkness, hurt, illness, and death. This incredible and momentous hope, rested solely on the tiny shoulders of a newborn baby boy. This is the wonder of Christmas - so complex, yet so simple. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not die but have eternal life. (Jn3:16) Eternal LIFE!

So profound - yet so simple. God loved us, so He sent us Jesus to save us. We can't think of Christ's birth without linking it to His death. His purpose was clear - He came to die for us. My sweet beautiful baby girl never experienced a moment without the love and presence of Jesus - because of His great sacrificial love. The ruler of the world came to this broken and sinful world with the intent purpose to die for me, for Gracie, for you. Is there a greater sacrifice than this? Can jolly old saint Nic and his magical reindeer even come close to such a love?

So as you are busily shopping for gifts, or being cut-off in holiday traffic; or when the commercialism and selfishness of this world is dragging you down; or when you feel like the humbug of Christmas is stealing your joy - I encourage you to get back to the basics. Back to the stable, back to a rude and lowly manger, back to Jesus.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices.

O Night divine, O night when Christ was born.

Beautiful Dreamer....

Some people have vivid dreams and can remember it the next day. I haven't remembered a dream for a quite some time. Yet, as I was getting the kid's breakfast ready, a picture of Gracie flashed in my mind's eye that I didn't recognize as a memory. I stopped, closed my eyes and waited. The dream re-surfaced and flooded my thoughts, and tears filled my eyes to the brim.

I could 'see' her. I could see my sweet baby Grace. She was in hospital, but was doing well. I was coming around the hall, turning the corner into her room, it was dimly lit. I saw her, and thought she was sleeping and didn't want to wake her but everything in me wanted to pick her up and hug and kiss that sweet little angel. As I walked closer, she turned and smiled at me. I ran to her, picked her up and held her and she snuggled in. She never spoke, but in her eyes I could see and hear what her heart was saying. Holding her felt so real, seeing her beautiful face was like seeing the most precious and long awaited gift. I gave her a bath, dressed her in a cute little outfit and we 'chatted,' not it words but in a shared love. It was beautiful.

I used to be very shaken after I would dream of Gracie. It would send me into a whirlwind of memories, and of sadness and loss. My grief counsellor suggested that I think of these dreams as a 'visit' with Gracie. Even though I know she is in heaven, dreaming allowed me a sneak peak of her again. It allowed me the luxury of imagining her presence and feeling her in my arms. I remember in my early days of grief, I would have to pretend that Gracie was in the bed next to me in order to fall asleep - I would hug her blanket and even though I knew it was ridiculous, I would convince my mind that she was there with me - allowing me a few hours of precious sleep. Dreaming allows for the same kind of luxury. Gracie's days were often difficult for her, but when she slept, she was at total peace. She was our beautiful dreamer. We often wondered what she would dream about, for it brought such a sweet countenance to her face. Perhaps she, our sleeping princess, was dreaming of the Prince of Peace that would soon awake her? Our beautiful dreamer...how I miss you.

Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,
Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee;
Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,
Lull'd by the moonlight have all pass'd away.

Stephen Foster

A Reason

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

~Hillsong~

A profound thought...can one find reason to sing and worship while in the valley? It is easy to worship and exalt God when on the mountain top of life. When all is the way it should be - no one is ill, no one is sad, money is flowing, life is full of laugher and the cup of your heart is full to overflowing. It is effortless to praise God and thank Him for His blessings and favor. It is natural to praise God in the season of new life and new birth...in the 'Spring' of the Soul!!! Yet in the bleakness and quiet of winter, when beauty has faded away, and life is left bare and dormant...what then? No, it is not effortless to praise God when someone you love is diagnosed with a cruel disease, or your relationships have turned sour, or when all favor seems to dissipate in all aspects of your life. What then?

What was the reason to worship when my baby lay lifeless in my arms...when the beauty of her being had been freed from her human constraints and all that remained was a perfectly empty vessel? Ah...there in the dark night of the soul, before the hope of light returned, there in that utterly hopeless and lonely place - was there still reason to sing?

Yes, for even though my song was filled with anguish, tears, and lamenting, it was still my song to my God who knew my pain. We often think of 'worship' as happy songs filled with thanksgiving and praise. Reality is that worship has little to do with music, lyrics or a kickin' drum beat...but has everything to do with our heart attitude and our life. True worship is a reflection of what is in your heart even when the diagnoses comes back positive. True praise is obedience, albeit through the tears.

The hope of Gracie healed and whole safe in the arms of Jesus is a reason to worship. Even on days when I see a newborn baby, or a little toddler wearing the same touque as Gracie, when I see a glow-worm, or have to console my little girl who is crying inconsolably because she wants her baby sister back...I still have a reason to sing - He is still God and that is reason enough for me.

What do you SEE?

“Earth's crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God: But only he who sees takes off his shoes” Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

We were at a Memorial Service with Canuck Place this weekend, honoring the life of our sweet Gracie Grace, alongside many other angels. We met up with a few precious people, and re-connected with amazing staff, nurses and doctors. Our dear friend Leslie came and captured some moments - our first 'family portraiture' without our sweet pea. Being at Canuck Place again, stirs up a myriad of emotion. Some beautiful memories, and some painful ones too.

As we walked through the gorgeous grounds of the garden, and as we played with our kids at the playground, I started to remember Gracie everywhere! We were blessed to have access to the elegant black pram that she used to live in while there! As one of the counsellors (with whom worked with us as a family) wheeled that beautiful carrier towards us, we saw the pram empty...and Andrew and I broke. We remembered her angelic face peeking out of the blankets, admiring the world around her. We could remember those precious moments when we would see her look at us with recognition and see her eyes smile at ours. We remember the tubes, pumps, and machines that burdened the carriage. The memories came flooding back and as they did our souls were flooded with such unbearable emotion.

Yet, as we continued on...and as the memories continued to flow I began to see Gracie more clearly. As Andrew held Olivia and she kissed his cheek, I could see Gracie doing the same - kissing her Heavenly Father on the cheek. As I saw Isaiah and Olivia playing in the playhouse, I could see her playing too, but this time she was healed and whole. As we swung on the garden swing, I could see her swinging high above the trees and clouds, high in the mysterious place of the heavenlies. As we crouched down for a family picture I could see her crouched down at the floor of heaven saying 'look Jesus...there they are and they see me...they SEE me - not only how I was but how I AM...they finally SEE!'

Gracie's countenance was of God. While in her short time here, she would quite literally shine. Her face would glow of peace, and I knew she had a pure communion with God that I could only imagine. I love the verse - "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God" Matthew 5:8 Gracie was pure in heart...and she could see God. Where we saw an empty corner of her pram, or just the twinkling of the Christmas lights...Gracie saw God. I remember at her funeral, my amazing friend Lynn told me that her sweet little one could hear Gracie singing as the piano played. You see, her beautiful Ellianna too is pure of heart - she has gone through more procedures and surgeries than I ever will in my entire lifetime. And Ellie could see God and see my sweet pea singing that day of her funeral, while all I could see was an eerily perfect white casket. Oh to be pure of heart...to see past the obvious. To see God all around us, in others, and in ourselves.

So what do you SEE? Do you see beyond the obvious, do you see what Gracie saw...the beauty of His holiness all around? That is my heart's cry, to know Him more. To be pure of heart, take off my shoes and see God!

Labels...

We all have them, whether we wanted them or not: Labels. Somewhere along the line of life you stumbled on, earned, or have taken on a label. What does yours say? There are some labels that are most coveted depending on your age and stage. "Pretty" "Smart" "Popular" "Successful" "Handsome" Then there are those labels which you despise. "Geek" "Loser" "Vain" "Conceited" and the list goes on and on and on. These labels can attach themselves so early on in life that a child doesn't even stand a chance of figuring out who he truly is because of what he or someone else has thought (whether accurate or not)...thus a label is born.

After talking about this topic with a few people today, it got me thinking. What is my label? I have had many disparaging labels attached to me throughout the years - "Sarcastic" (which we know is just a nice way of saying you're mean, funny, but mean) "Opinionated" (again another 'nice' way of saying stubborn) "Fat/Ugly" - I don't know many females that haven't struggled with that one. The list goes on. Some labels can be positive and can spur us on to achieve greatness, others are a toxin that paralyze us. The reality is there is only one label that should matter...one label that trumps them all - the label that you belong to HIM. That you are a child of GOD. If you truly believe that - then all other labels fade away.

I read the Max Lucado Storybook called "You Are Special" to Olivia for the first time the other day. It is BEAUTIFUL reflection of labels, and placing value in the Creator and not in the created. Here is a synopsis. Eli the carpenter creates wooden toys called Wemmicks. The Wemmicks would give each other stickers - stars for being 'good' or 'beautiful' and grey dots for for being 'chipped' or 'scratched.' One day a little toy named Puncinello meets Eli - and his world changes...

Eli to Punchinello - "I don't care what the other Wemmicks think, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter Puncinello. All that matter is what I think. And I think you are pretty special...the stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers. You are special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes." Max Lucado

God - the creator of the universe - calls us HIS own. If you believe that God is who He says He is, and that you are HIS then everything changes. For the same God who spun this world into motion with just a word, is the same God who created the intricasies of our human anatomy and physiology from mere dust, is the same God that created you and me! He knows us, and what our Creator thinks of us should mean more to us than what other 'creations' think of us. Why do we put so much value on other people's opinions of us? After-all, they are not the creator but the created. I encourage you to rid yourself of labels - all but one - the label of being cherised by the CREATOR.

Gracie taught me so much about not looking at the obvious labels that people try to convey. She challenged me to look deeper, beyond the exterior facade and to the heart. God doesn't make mistakes. Gracie was exactly how she was meant to be - and she was filled with His glory - for she was HIS. How I long to have the sweet communion with my maker as Gracie did. Her countenance shone of His love. I want my children to know that they will never be defined by what others think of them. They are and will always be beautiful, valued and cherished creations of the Creator.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Psalm 139:13

Grief is like the Ocean...

I've been missing sweet Gracie quite a bit as of late. She's been occupying my thoughts, and her sweet face has been in my dreams the last few nights. I looked back in my journal and found what I wrote around this time last year. It still speaks truth to me today.

"Grief feels like the ocean to me. Full of memories good and bad. At times the water is calm, although there are many currents always flowing. Then, memories start to accumulate through various triggers (like wind - seeing the puraltor truck driver that used to deliver the medical supplies for Gracie) and the memories start to build - until they are a full fledged wave. Then you think for a moment or two that you can balance that wave...but then unannounced, it crests - crashes over and you are helpless to find your direction - tossing and turning - which way is up? And then, just when you feel like you will drown in the sorrow, the waters still, and you come up for air and catch your breath. You are relieved, and take a deep breath...and enjoy the calm, for you know it is only a matter of time before it all begins again."

I realize more and more than you can grieve many things...not just the loss of a loved one. Perhaps you are grieving a relationship, a lost job, a broken trust. If you have experienced loss, then you understand the concept of grief as an ocean. If you are feeling tossed by the uncontrollable waves of grief, I encourage you to remember that although we can't control how high the waves get, we do know the ONE who does. I will pray for you (and for me as well) that God will give you a safe place to stand in the midst of the chaos. That even though all around you may be pain and fear, that HE will bring peace to your heart as you draw closer to Him.

Psalm 107:28-30. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.

Pause...Anyone?

Moments...you know these moments...moments you wish would step outside of the boundaries of time and space and just linger. Last night was such a moment. My sweet girl Olivia and I had a date unto ourselves as the boys went to a Hockey Game. Olivia and I went to see an animated film about wolves and it was cute. Olivia was in her glory - her giggle would pierce through the theatre and others would look and smile as if to say 'goodness...she is cute' I would smile back trying not to beam with pride "yep...that's my girl and she is even more adorable than that precious giggle." I am just in awe of her beauty, inside and out. Her heart is so kind and from the wellspring of her heart pour out her words and actions. I want to freeze in this moment. A moment where I am her first choice, and she ends the date with "I wish we could do that all over again."

Dear friends Reuben and Lisa just delivered their first child - a perfect baby boy. I remember those early days like it was yesterday. The new-ness of a precious life now resting in your hands. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with love and Andrew looking at me and saying "I never knew you could love somebody so fully and completely so instantly." People always said 'you just wait, time flies by...enjoy these years while you can.' And I tried. I would remember moments with each of my children when they were babies where I made that distinction, making a mental note of the moment. I wanted to remember those moments with each of them...in all of the busy moments of the day as a mommy...I wanted special ones to stand-out. I wanted to savor each of them...the smells, the sounds, the light in the room, the cherub face, those wispy eyelashes, the gentle sound of their relaxed breathing, the soft glow of the moonlight through the window - *sigh* I remember these moments and I long for them again. My friend Deb would always say - the days are long but the years go fast. It is so very true. In the time of babies, and toddlers - it is a wonder we as parents survive! The days seem to drag on and the nights even longer. Yet, here I am looking back with longing for a baby in my arms. I musn't complain, I am and have been so blessed. I also know that even though I miss those days, I don't want these days to slip by either. I too want to make a mental note to enjoy today's moments that will too soon be a memory I look back on.

I know that I can't stay in this moment forever, and that the days and months and years are bound to fly by. So today, I am setting this night apart as one to remember. A night that I will look back on with fondness, as I reflect on how much my kids have grown. Gracie taught me how to be content in the moment. She taught me not to look too far behind or in front, but just to be fully present, for that is all we have been given. I want to fully enjoy the present before it becomes the past. I want to be in the moment, before losing this moment to the future.

I remember my mom singing this song a lot when I was a kid...it often came to me during the days of Grace.

One day at a time sweet Jesus That's all I'm asking from you.

Just give me the strength To do everyday what I have to do.

Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus And tomorrow may never be mine.

Lord help me today, show me the way One day at a time.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. (Matt. 6:34 - The Message)

Thankful for HOPE!

Three years ago this weekend, we found out the devastating news via ultrasound that our sweet baby had severe ventriculomegaly and that she may not survive out of the womb. Oh the anguish, on that beautiful fall day. I remember so clearly driving down the highway crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Andrew and I stopped at Island View beach and just tried to take in all of the info. we had just received. The cold, salty wind of the ocean seemed to numb every part of me, except the part that hurt the most.

If I only knew then what I know now. Oh how I would comfort my aching heart. I would tell myself that even though the journey ahead would be more difficult than I could ever imagine, and even though the searing pain of loss would break my heart into a million pieces, that I would look back on it with fondness and with longing. I would tell myself that God would reveal Himself to me, and meet me in a personal way. I would assure my aching soul that Gracie would be safe in my arms and never feel or know the feeling of being alone. She would never be separated from the love of God, and that even though it won't end with the healing I had hoped for on earth, that she will one day be free from her human constraints and in fullness with Jesus. I would tell myself that even though all I feel is weakness, that Christ would transform that weakness into strength. I would tell myself that God WOULD give me more than I could or would want to handle, but that He would give me what I need to get through one more day, hour or even second.

Finally, I would tell myself that in the end, Gracie would teach me so much about God's sacrificial love. After-all, God knew the pain of searing loss, as He turned His face away when His perfect, innocent, and only Son died for ME! Jesus felt total abandonment from the Father, experienced the darkness of hell and separation from His Father so that Gracie wouldn't have to. Gracie was never alone...she went straight from my arms into the arms of Jesus because God's amazing love.

And that is what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving...is for the HOPE that came only through the sacrificial love of Jesus! A hope that this life is not the end, hope that one day I will see my sweet pea in fullness. A hope that Jesus will make all the sad things untrue. Hope that He will right ALL the wrongs, and hope that His return is coming. May this hope warm your heart as you sit around your table this Thanksgiving. We do have much to be thankful for...I know I do.

"Amazing love, how can it be? That you my King would die for me? Amazing love, I know it's true and it's my joy to honor You, in all I do, I want to honor you." (Newsboys)

Remember it no more...

I miss the days of yore when a simple 'I'm sorry I took your crayon' fixed all. In those early days there were no grudges, for once those words 'I'm sorry' were spoken it was like a big eraser would come and it was remembered no more. The older I get, the harder it is for me to take the risk and make new friends because it means putting myself out-there again. If you've ever been betrayed in friendship, you know just how hard it is to trust again. Hind-sight is in fact 20/20. I can now look back at the most painful relationships in my life and can now see with clarity where things went wrong, but while in it - I just couldn't see it. Looking back, I can now see where I placed my trust in imperfect people. I now am able to see my part and my wrong - and that too is a jagged pill to swallow!

In ministry especially, it is easy to become hardened and cynical. Yet, the reality is we ALL make mistakes and fall short. I remember coming to this realization - that God still uses people who hurt us. We want justification, we want to hold our fist in the air like Jonah did in anger. We cry out to God and say...didn't you see that? He/She totally lied, or betrayed me etc. to which God responds "Have you any right to be angry?" Jonah 4:4.

Hmmmmm...do I have any 'right' to be angry. Am I perfect? Goodness no. Am I innocent from ever hurting others? Most definitely not. Does God still love me and choose to use me? Absolutely. So is it any wonder He is gracious with others? The answer is no. God chooses to use us as humans, knowing full well we are imperfect. Yet, the reality that He still works through us is humbling to say the least.

Since Gracie, my view of life in general has changed. I have learned that life is too short to hold on to anything too long. I want to be quick to forgive and I can tell you what a freeing feeling it is to truly release such pent up hurt and anger. I know there is wounding that goes far deeper than what I have described here, horrible realities of living in such a broken world. I don't want to sound flippant, and if you do have such a deep wounding I pray that God will show you how to release it to Him. I'm sure you have heard it said before that unforgiveness destroys the vessel that holds it. It is toxic, and forgiveness is the antidote. Does it mean we forgive and forget...hardly. No, we forgive and release ourselves from the toxin of hatred and unforgiveness and we do all that we can with the strength that only comes from God to remember it no more.

To remember the wrong against us no more, is what our Heavenly Father does for us. When we come to Him with a repentant heart, He is faithful and just to forgive us and remembers it no more. Oh to have more of His grace and compassion!

The Shepherd's Voice...

Don't you love that feeling of knowing someone so well that you can tell who it is on the phone with just a simple 'Hello?' Or that familiar 'laugh' of someone you know so well, that allows you to spot them in nanoseconds even in a over-crowded church foyer? To have such an intimate relationship takes time, trust, and faith. Once you find this treasure in someone you realize oh so quickly what a remarkable gift it is! It is such a blessing to know someone so well, that you can tell how she is really doing just by listening to the intonation of her voice. You can sail past the 'I'm fine' and delve into the heart of the matter.

How well do we know our Shepherd's voice? Do we know His promptings and if we do, do we listen and take action? I have often been asked 'how did you find time to do devotions during the busy time of Gracie?' My answer? I believe God cares more about our hearts than the legalistic rules of our minds. 'If I just wake up early and read and pray for 30 mins a day....if I go to every event at church...If I force myself to read a chapter a day....etc.' I had so many of these rules - 'If I pray this many times a day then surely Gracie will be healed' 'If I say the name of Jesus and declare her healing 100x a day then she will be healed.' 'If I do this, or that, then God's Hand must move.' These legalistic rituals if done in a spirit of guilt/obligation are not pleasing to the Father.

Just as if a friend feels forced to spend time with you, it kinda defeats the purpose. Time with our friends should be treasured and if it is done out of obligation, the friendship is most defintely headed for failure. I think it is the same with God. It is when we want to get to know Him, to truly be able and willing to identify His voice and separate His voice from all the others calling out to us that we find our lives become devoted to Him. Our whole LIVES become a devotion. We must learn to get to know Him, not just know ABOUT Him.

Once I realized that my life was to be in constant devotion, the pain of failure dissipated. There was nothing I could do to heal Grace. The burden was not mine to carry. I stopped seeking the 'miracle' and began seeking Him. What joy and peace are for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord! Those who know His voice and are led by His rod and His staff can rest in the knowledge that He is the good Shepherd. One day His voice will call me home, and there will be another sweet voice heard as it breaks through the surrounding thousands of angels...it will be the voice of my angel welcoming me home.