There is something about the rain that actually soothes my soul. I know we get a lot of it here on the West Coast, and I do admit it can be a bit much after months and months of grey skies, yet I do enjoy the rain. When it is raining, I feel like the whole world is feeling my pain and loss. I feel like the whole world is crying along with me. After a long, hard, pounding rain the earth is cleansed, refreshed and fragrant. Similarly, I feel the same after a deep and painful cry, I feel refreshed and released of the pent up sadness and ready to go take that next step.
It has been two years this Sept. 11th that I was standing alone in the hospital hallway of Children's Hospital as the Pediatric Neurologist looked at me and said "I'm sorry but, there is nothing more we can do...you may want to call your family in to say their good-byes." The world came to a complete halt as I tried to compute what she was saying to me. I cried out to God - "please Lord...not yet...I haven't held her enough" Later that evening we were in a hospital room surrounded by our family relaying the unfathomable news that the Drs. had done all that they could for our sweet Gracie. A room was booked for us at Canuck Place as they anticipated the end of life was near for our sweet one. But the Lord heard my gut-wrenched plea for more time to enjoy my baby - for more time to just be her mama and not her doctor or nurse, or pharmacist. More time to hold her more, kiss her more, study her every smile and twinkle of eye. Jesus heard my cries, turned His face to me and answered my most painful plea. I will forever be thankful for those extra months with Gracie. They were difficult, but each moment was a gift and I would continually hear Him whisper to my heart - remember...take the time just to love her and I did...I loved her knowing that one day I would miss her but I would know that I loved her with no regrets. I am forever thankful for the clarity given to me that day, and for Jesus meeting me in the valley and guiding me through the darkness.
So today as it rains, I too allow the tears to flow, knowing that with each tear that falls, some of the pain is released, cleansing my heart from the deep wounds that reside there. Knowing full well that one day when I stand before my Saviour, there will be a sweet fragrance borne only from allowing the pain of the rain.
4 comments:
You are such an inspiration to me Nelia, always so much love & support to give others. I thank God that He gave you such a heart and that He lead me to your church. I am always amazed at how much you have to give others when you yourself have gone through and are going through (if that makes sense). I pray that your positivity flows to me on those rainy days in my life, when I cry I do not like the rain, I seldom like the rain ;) Your writings remind me to take every day we have, whether it be bad or good, for what it really is - PRECIOUS. I just love being able to be called your friend and I miss you lots but look forward to our next get together where we can share & create more memories.
Lots of LOVE!!
Erika
Thanks for the kind words Erika! Praying for you...esp. tomorrow!
Love.
wow.
we all have a lot to learn from you. THE most beautiful mother God has ever mended.
Thank you so much for posting these incredibly honest moments and thoughts...
Thanks Christina - I used to write updates throughout my journey of Grace. I have sensed in my spirit a nudging to get back to writing. Thank you so much for your comments.
Love Nelia
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