The Gift of Balance.

One of the lessons I have learned through my grief journey is learning how to be both happy and sad in the same moment and have both be true. Before Gracie, I don't think I could have believed such a statement as I thought you can not be fully and truly happy or have joy in your heart if you are just as equally sad. Yet, my lovely counsellor Margo helped me see that, yes in fact I could be both, at the same time and both be true.

In the early days of my grief, Olivia or Isaiah would inveitably do something or say something silly, or cute as little ones so often do and I would catch myself chuckling and immediately a wave of guilt would hit. 'How can you be laughing when you've just lost your sweet Gracie?' Then other times, I would be having a 'down' day, and those around me were laughing and enjoying life, and again, guilt would rush over me like a wave. 'Your family needs you to be 'up' and enjoy life...they don't deserve to lose you too.' So I was stuck in this dichotomy and feeling very tossed by the waves of guilt.

Then the thought of learning how to balance both opposing emotions was presented to me. At first I scoffed (because I like things to make sense) and goodness gracious, this did NOT make sense to me. Yet as I meditated on scriptures, journaled and prayed I realized that perhaps both emotions could be true. For when I was enjoying watching Olivia and Isaiah ride those crazy tea-cups at Disney and could see their bright shiny faces, free from the grief of their little lives, I could not help but feel happy. Yet there was a piece of me that missed Gracie and wished she was there with us. Happy AND sad...and finding that balance of allowing myself to be both of those emotions raised me up from the oceans depth and gave me a safe place to stand, and eventually learned to balance. Afterall, King David knew the balance. He would cry out to God in his angst and despair, yet he never stayed there too long. He wrote the Psalms in this way - the whole book is this delicate balance. Psalm 27 - is a Psalm that brought a great deal of peace to my soul in my days and nights despair. Verse 1 - the Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? Verse 3 - though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear. Last verse 13 - I am confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. The balance...yes you may be afraid of what your circumstances may be, but learn from David and be confident that you will see the goodness of the Lord even in the midst of the turmoil.

Some days the balance comes easily, others days it still feels next to impossible. Yet, no matter how tall the wave, or how hard the crash, I know that God will always bring me back to a place of balance. One day though, I will not have to 'balance' anymore for everything will be perfected, for all eternity. Oh how I long for that day...but for now I am thankful for God's gift of balance.