Five Years? How Can it Be?

How can it be
Five years already
So much time
between now and then.
Yet in a moment it's
as though I am back
craddling you in that chair,
kissing your sweet spot
just under your chin.
Kissing your sweet
face for the last time.
Five years?
How can it be that so
much life has happened
since then?
I am Thankful.
Yet hesitant at times
to fully embrace this life
without you.
I know this is my
journey, my story
and my call in life
to move forward, to press on
towards the goal of heaven.
To love others along the way,
to remember the lessons taught,
so as to honor your memory,
your life.

Yet days like today
the balance is not easy
Days like today the vault
is flung open and the tears
I hold back can no longer
be ignored.  And like a rushing
water they break forth.
Crashing over me,
once again.  A reminder.
As the torrent of tears slow
and as they disperse and trickle
down my cheeks, the gentle
reminder is heard as in a whisper...
This is the day that they Lord
has made. Rejoice.  Be glad in it.
Don't waste time.  Enjoy the moment.

Rejoice?  In her death?
Be glad on this anniversary?
Oh the mystery of such love.
The 'manna' from heaven.
The hope of more.
The  sufficiency
of 'enough'
to get through
one.
more.
day.

I call out in anger.
I cry in despair.
I miss her.  I miss her.
So ardently.
Yet, through this pain
is borne such beauty.
Through the longing
comes deep thankfulness for
this is not the end.

No, this is not how
our story was to end.
But thank God this is
not how it will end.
For the hope of
heaven is the light
that sparks hope
each day in this
grieving mother's heart.

And so, I press on
I choose to trust.
I choose to learn
and be open to the journey.
It would be easier to stop
and remain in the pain.
To hide away and
retreat in the darkness.
It is courage, your courage
that moves me towards the light.
I will not give up
Just as you never gave up.
I will love you until
my last breath
And even in that moment
when I awake into eternity
I will be singing
praises of love
and thankfulness
to the One
who blessed me
with you.

Five years?
How can it be?
So much time
between now and then.
Today I remember
with tear stained cheeks.
Today I embrace
and lean into the pain
knowing full well
that there is a beauty
that only comes from the
pain of the cleansing rain
of your Mama's tears.
Five years and counting,
only by the GRACE
 of God.

Happy 5th year Heaven Due Date
My Angel Gracie Grace.