Leaning into the Pain

Leaning Into the Pain.

I remember your smile, I remember your eyes so lovely and green

I remember the softness of your skin and being the happiest I had even been.

I remember the cuddles, I remember the kisses and the moments of peace

I remember when the things took a turn for the worse and the pain it released.

To balance the pain with the joy of your love is getting easier each day

Although the ardent longing of my heart will always remain.

So as reminders and special days come to the surface once again

I will strengthen my resolve to lean into the hurt and the pain

For in embracing the reality of the deep loss and sorrow

It allows for the contractions of grief to do it's part knowing that tomorrow

Will bring new hope, for the sorrow lasts but the night

for joy comes in the morning and reveals the pain into the light

of the One who holds my sweet pea in His ever strong hands

Awaiting for the day I will finally understand His unfathomable plans.

Words are Vessels

Words are vessels someone once told me, and that heavy realization changed the way I spoke...or at least thrust me upon the path of such change. How often do we flippantly say words, not knowing how they can impact a soul? To envision each word that comes from our mouth as a cistern that can either hold life or death is profound to say the least. Words have the power to hurt and comfort, lift up or break down, to love or destroy.

I remember being at the grocery store shortly after learning of Gracie's severe brain malformation - not knowing if she would even survive - and as I was waiting for the cashier who was flustered by something at the till, she laughed and innocently said "sorry...I feel so brain dead today." I swallowed the lump of emotions caught in my throat, grabbed my receipt and ran to my vehicle and sobbed. Heaving, uncontrollable sobs overtook me. Here was a cashier who was having a hard day no doubt - obviously not knowing the prognosis of my unborn baby - casually using a phrase that pierced my heart, stabbing me to the very core. Any strength that had been in my spirit all washed away in but an instant. Words.are.vessels.

I think of the times I have spoken words over people, not knowing of course the pain they might have had and it grieves my spirit. When I think of the times when words trickled from my mouth in anger masked as sarcasm, my heart is abashed. Lord, forgive me! As a wife and parent, how I long for the words I speak to be edifying to my husband and children. Criticism (even though the reasoning behind the words are good) can break even the strongest spirit. Do you know that moment when the harshness of your words breaks your child's spirit? In that moment, I rationalize the guilt by giving reasons as to why I had to say what I did, but the sobering reality that how it came across and even more importantly how it was interpreted spurs my spirit to ask my child for forgiveness. It is remarkable how quickly children forgive, a lesson I know I continue to learn from my dear little ones. As a wife, I know when my nagging becomes burdensome. Although I know that I do have the 'right' to say my peace, more often than not, my 'peace' is camoflouged in anger and catapulted in the vessel of my words causing friction and tension in my marriage.

Yet, thankfully words can also be used for edifying, loving, encouraging. I know that my words have also have the power to encourage others and draw them closer to God. My prayer this year is that I would more fully be aware of my words, choosing to use words of life and hope! Grace taught me the fragility of life, and how life here on earth is but a vapor. How quickly we lose sight of that reality! With the time I have been given, may He use me and my words to draw others unto Himself.

Words are vessels indeed.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Ps. 19:14