The Halloween Dilemma...

So for many of you out there, I know you struggle with this day called Halloween. As a Christian mother with young children I too am at odds with this day. In some ways, the pumpkins and the G-rated friendly black cats and cute little kids in costume make Halloween a fun family oriented day. Yet on the other end of the spectrum are the ghoulish looking houses that are dec'd to the brim with skeletons escaping from the ground to bloodied vampires hanging from the roof.

So...as a Christian family - what do you do?

Do we point a crooked finger in disgust at these devilish decorations, turn our lights off and ignore it all together? Or do we embrace the fun of the day and smile at the sweet little children coming door to door? Do we ignore the evil and try to solely focus on the good? These questions have been swirling around my mind as I try to gain perspective on this day.

For what it's worth, here's my take.

Even though this day is often used as a day to celebrate FEAR and death, we take this day (and really every day) and try our best to redeem it for Christ. We celebrate His victory over death and celebrate the HOPE of eternal life. We carve pumpkins and explain to the children that we are as a pumpkin in the sense that we are but a shell. Inside of us, we all have 'guck' and when we invite Jesus into our lives He comes and cleans us from the inside out. He then lights our heart on fire and the Holy Spirit shines through us, just as the candle shines through the pumpkin. So when we are out at night and see the glow of jack-o-lanterns, we can relate back to Christ shining in and through us. We have some years handed out candy, blessing the children of our neighborhood with God's love through a smile, encouraging word and lollipops. We have also attended Harvest Parties at local churches for some good ol' family fun and bonding. Good can be found and had on this day, contrary to popular opinion.

As for the scary graveyard and demonic looking inspired homes, we say to the children that even though these homes celebrate death, we as a family celebrate life. We have worked hard to make Gracie's grave a place of peace. Our children would have never thought of a graveyard as a scary place until seeing the front yard of a house decorated as a haunted grave-yard. We celebrate that Grace is now with Jesus, alive and healed! The grave is not a haunted place, it is just a special place on earth where we can go and remember our Gracie. Our kids run and play and giggle at Gracie's grave! They will at times shed a tear of remembrance, but mainly they just love running through the beautifully manicured lawns and throw pennies in the pretty fountain. We don't celebrate Gracie's death at her grave, no! We celebrate her life here on earth and her true life in heaven! As a family we are bent on celebrating hope and life, yes even on this day of fear and death for Christ is bigger!!! Christ has risen, He is stronger than fear, ghoulish ghosts, and death. After-all, He leaves no room for fear for He has defeated it all! So as Christians we do not need to fear Halloween or even fear itself for we hold the Hand of the One who holds the keys to life and death!

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken, You have saved me
It is written, Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all
Hillsongs - Stronger

'A-ha! Moment'....Am I Ready for This?

So this past week I zipped over to the island for less than 24 hours to see my lil' sis and have a Gracie Day. It was a beautiful sunny fall day and I started the day with a massage from my trusted RMT. I was once again explaining the pain in my shoulders and neck - due to the year of constant bending over and caring for Gracie, pumping, etc. The pain, years later, still remains leading to fitful nights of sleep and finally into daily morning headaches. So as I was going on about the strain in my neck she smiled and said..."you do realize the symbolism of this pain don't you? You have been carrying her still...out front and over your heart. Perhaps it's time to open up your arms, not let her go necessarily, but just move her to your back - like a piggy back. When you carry a child piggy back you can't slouch, you must stand strong. Think about it..."

It was like a light went on...the 'A-ha' moment! Have you ever had these moments when timing is perfect and the Holy Spirit reveals truth to your heart? As I thought about her loaded words my mind is flashed back to a few weeks ago. I realized that in my minds' eye Gracie was still a sweet little babe, and I think in some was she always will be. But in reality, Gracie would be 3 1/2 - almost 4 come February and that realization winded me. My boy, Isaiah just turned 5 in the summer. He can do so many things now and to carry him in front cradled is so unrealistic. When he gets tired (which isn't often) I carry him on my back...not in front. Eventually, he will be too big to piggy back, and he will simply walk beside me holding my hand, then he will just walk beside me, and eventually he will walk a different path altogether.

As tears well up within my heart this morning, I realize I am in a new stage of my grief. Just like I grieve/celebrate milestones with Olivia and Isaiah, I too must do the same with Grace. When Isaiah started Kindergarten I was sad to say good-bye to the preschool years, yet so happy for him to experience all the wonders of school and beyond. Olivia asked me early on after Grace passed if she will grow up in heaven? It was then, and is still now such a profound thought. I am beginning to think that yes...just maybe she will be and has been 'growing up' in heaven all along. The memories I have of Gracie are of her as my sweet baby, and I grieve that baby in my arms. Yet, there is a spark of excitement when I envision her fully whole and healed as a 3 1/2 year old little girl.

I realize that I have been hiding behind Grace in some ways, hiding behind my grief so that I don't have to face the world without her. Are you holding on to something that is taking the forefront of all of your thoughts and decisions? Perhaps there someone who you need to let go of? Is there a situation that you need Jesus to come carry the burden for you? What is your 'A-ha!' moment?

So this morning, even though there is still remnants of the pain, I choose to embrace life with arms wide open and allow Grace to simply 'have my back.'

Tea Parties and Giggles...

This picture is of my sweet Olivia and her Winnie the Pooh having her first 'tea party.' Since then, tea parties have been a staple activity at the Evans' Household.

My little girl has two friends over this afternoon. They are having a tea party with tiny little teacups (thanks to my mother-in-law) and cookies on tiny little plates. Three dog stuffies are the honoured guests. As they pour their 'tea' (chocolate milk) they start making 'toasts.' It is taking everything in me to keep from laughing as they toast "TO GIRLS!!!!" & "TO CHOCOLATE BARS!" As they eat their cookies they say "bon appetite" in sing-song voices. They are giving names to one another such as Twila and using polite manners, and calling one another sweetie. Oh my stars...good this be any cuter?

Although I do miss the baby stage, days like today help. Days that remind me of the joy that still awaits. Days that remind my heart that even though I don't have a baby to rock to sleep, I have beautiful children to hold. As September comes to a close and we enter the Fall weather, a shift takes place in my heart as well. I tend to remember Grace as a baby, but in reality she would be 3 1/2 already. Where does the time go? Three years ago we were at Canuck Place recovering from the scare of almost losing her on the 11th. The Fall is marked as a season of great despair coupled with great hope and joy that she rebounded! The Fall also reminds me that winter is also on its way, and the winter season brings with it reminders of Gracie's decline and eventual passing. As I think back to the last 2 years + I can see the enormous strides I have made on my grief journey.

In those early days of grief, I couldn't fathom making it 1 day without Gracie, let alone 2 years!!! Yet, here I am, a breathing and living example of how God gives strength to the weary and comfort to those who mourn. I have down days, I still cry and I still remember the ardent pain of loss. Yet somehow one day turned to two, and one year has turned over into another. I wish I could tell myself back then what I have learned during this painful process. Here is what I would say...

You hurt and it's ok to hurt - never feel the need to rush through the pain. You feel like the world has ended, even though you know it moves on. Your aching heart will always ache, but the ache becomes bearable somehow. Your beat-up soul will find peace. Your endless questions will dissipate. Time won't heal all wounds, but what you do with that time will help you survive, and eventually thrive once again. Your tired body will learn how to rest again. Your personality traits will return. People may ignorantly say hurtful things about your grief journey, but you have learned how quickly life passes so you will extend forgiveness and grace. Your husband sticks by you through it all and though you grieve differently he is a man of courage, devotion and love. He rises to meet the road of grief and pain and will hold your hand, allowing you the freedom to grieve in your own way. Your children know they are loved, and they want to talk about Grace. They want to light candles when they miss her, and they love looking at pictures and videos of her. They also walk through the grief process with such confidence, knowing it's ok to be sad and happy at the same time. Your family continues to be a pillar of support and strength. They will remember with you and will allow you moments of sadness in times of joy. You will return to things outside the home. You will do things you never would have if Grace hadn't entered your life. You will find the balance of moving forward while still remembering. Your faith in God remains strong as you continually lean on Him for daily bread. It's unbelievably hard in these early days of pain and anguish, but one day you will see joy again. So cry when you need to, laugh when you can. Know that even though all you see is darkness and strife, hold on, trust the Potter. I promise you, that one day your heart will find peace and even joy again. The Potter will beautifully mend your heart ever so gradually, allowing for sparks of happiness to return to your soul through the healing sounds of your family, friends and children...perhaps even through tea parties and giggles.

Identity Crisis...Check.

You meet someone for the first time, you shake hands and exchange pleasant smiles. You introduce yourself by your first name (I have to do this more than once because of the uniqueness of my name - I make a funny joke about all the ways to mis-pronounce my name and have a hearty little chuckle) all in hopes to avoid the following questions. These questions send panic through my mind in how to best answer.

What are these difficult questions? Well, they may seem like simple straight-forward questions, but they prick at the core of my heart's grief. The questions are simply - What do you do for a living? How many kids to you have?

Now flash-back a few years ago, and the answers were simple. I would cheerfully say 'Oh I am a teacher, I love teaching music, but am currently taking a bit of time off to be at home with the kids'. The conversation would continue on without a moment's break. Yet, fast-forward to present day and such innocent questions can at times, feel fully loaded to a grieving parent.

Why is it so difficult? Well, I think the main reason is that I am going through a bit of an identity crisis. With both my kids at school, and not teaching at the moment, I feel a little at a loss as to what I 'do for a living'? I am also unsure of how to answer the question of how many kids I have because I always want to include Grace, yet at the supermarket with 20 people in line do I really want to explain? Not to mention the awkwardness that comes over people as they are left unsure of how to respond. And so all this adds up to a sort of identity crisis. We all go through these times of questioning of 'who am I'? and 'What is my purpose and calling in this life'?

During my time with precious Gracie, my identity became solely wrapped in the care of my family, and because the needs were so great I basically fell out of all other roles. After Gracie passed away, I was left feeling much the same as I am feeling now. Who am I? What do I do now? The people (outside of family) that I saw the most were Grace's health care professionals, they became my close circle of friends. Those doctors and nurses knew and loved Gracie and knew all the ins and outs of our lives without a long story of explanation. Yet, when Gracie died, those relationships ended as well leaving a huge hole in my heart.

My amazing grief counsellor helped me through that identity quest the first time, and so I am recalling her words of wisdom again this morning. She explained that our shape is constantly changing, and that who I was before Grace, is not who I was after Grace, nor who I would be 2 years down the road of grief. I connected this thought as clay in the hands of the Potter. So today, I feel the Potter re-shaping yet again and it hurts. As he kneads out the bubbles of old titles such as 'Mom to a baby/preschooler' and 'Music Teacher' etc. my spirit is left a bit tender and my heart aches for the days when Gracie was with us. Yet I know, without a doubt, that He is preparing me for the next shape, and this kneading must be done in order for me to become what He sees fit. So even though I question my calling, I don't question the Potter.

Are you in a place of an identity shift? Are you in between jobs, relationships, stresses, or even grief? Are you longing to go back to your old shape only to find out that all that is left are broken shards and pieces? If that is you today, I encourage you to hold on. Although the process is painful, your new shape will be a thing of beauty. It's like going in for a massage for a sore muscle. You know the kneading is gonna hurt, but you also know that in a few days the pain of the massage will be worth it to have the deeper pain of the muscle knot relieved. So...today I am taking my own advice, I will brace myself and hang on through the hurt and trust the Potter. After-all, He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.

Re-posting - Ready...Set...Let GO!

I am feeling very much the same this Sept. as I did back in April...if you are feeling the tug of holding on tight while your kids are ready to let go...this one is for YOU!

Ready...Set...

Today I will walk into our neighborhood school, with my sweet little boy in hand and attend 'Ready, Set, Learn.' This program is geared for 4 year olds who will be entering Kindergarten in the Fall. It gives the children (and parents) a look at the school, introduce them to teachers and staff, as well as enjoy fun little engaging activities.

I can't believe my boy will be going to Kindergarten in just a few short months. I have been trying all day to suppress the well of emotion that is brewing within. There is something difficult in allowing your children to grow up. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounded ridiculous as I typed it, but that is how I am feeling. Time seems to be my enemy. Days fly by at a super warp speed, leaving me dazed at times to truly see how quickly my children are in fact growing. They are growing not only in physicality, but emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually. I get so wrapped up in the calendar that I lose sight of these precious moments of growth. I am so busy folding laundry and wiping down counters that I am guilty of missing opportunities to just get down on the floor and play Polly Pockets or Toy Story. One day I will be folding laundry and wishing I had the choice of a clean house or a tiny hand to hold. So why, even when I have already learned this lesson, do I find myself back here? Why is this balance of keeping a clean house (cause let's face it I do not want to end up on TLC's Hoarders) and also making time with my kids a priority so difficult? As these life markers appear - first day of K, riding a bike with no training wheels, play dates without me, etc. I need to see them as a positive tool, a way to re-focus on what is truly important.

I think for me, these milestone's remind me that although it is a first for Isaiah it is also a last for me as a mother. It pricks my heart to the core as it reminds me that I will never walk into an elementary school holding Gracie's hand. It is again, bittersweet. So sweet because I am excited for Isaiah and all the new things he will learn and experience, yet also bitter as I am reminded of how short life experiences were for my sweet pea.

So here I am, feeling much the same as my son I am sure; nervous, excited, sad, and happy all rolled into one. I know our heavenly Father is cheering us on. He is saying ready, set... LET GO! It is not easy letting go of what you know as familiar and comfortable. Standing on the edge of the unknown is the apex of such anxiety. Those few short moments before you let go and free-fall into His plan and care is when the enemy takes his greatest jabs. So as I stand on the edge of this last stage of preschool years, I take a deep breath, say a prayer and cheer on my son (and myself) to get ready, get set...and let go!

It's so ON!

Unsettled is how I feel this foggy morning on the first of September. How can the summer be over when it feels like it just started? Next week my precious children will be at school for 6 hours of the day, Monday to Friday. Jeepers. When you are in the mix of constant baby diapers, laundry, feeding schedules, etc. you cry out for time alone because the pace is ridiculous. Then, when your children no longer need you for each and every moment of the day we cry out for more time with them, what a crazy paradox. I know it's is normal, and all part of growing pains, but I had no idea that I would be the one doing the growing!

It's hard to put into words the feeling of devoting your entire being into the lives of your children. We are hard-wired as parents to care for them. This whole 'sending your kids off to school' thing is stretching me, and I don't like it! It is stretching my faith and trust muscle yet again, and let me tell you it is starting to lose it's strength. I can tell my spiritual muscles are getting 'flabby' by the worry in my heart.

So today, it's on...it is SO on. Faith and Trust muscle training is ON! I also seem to be losing on the actual work out front as my motivation for running has fallen to the way side since our summer *'framily'*(see below for definition of 'framily')vacation. However, I digress, today I am choosing to start with my faith and trust strength training and will leave the running schedule for a different day (haha)!

So where to start you might ask? Here are a few starting techniques! Prayer. Start with small repetitions of prayer. Prayer while doing chores is a good place to start. Praying while folding laundry, washing dishes, cutting vegetables, etc. is a great way to start. Prayer while driving is a good idea as well, just make sure to keep your eyes open ;) Another idea...sticky notes! When things get really bad, I personally like to stick sticky notes of scriptures in random places. During my journey of Grace I had sticky notes everywhere around the house to constantly steer me back to scriptures. I needed the constant reminder of His truth, especially when the giants of fear were overwhelming. I of course love to write, so journal writing is a great place for me to spend time in the Word and write my way to healing! Music - another great avenue listening &/0r singing to worship songs can help you turn your focus to back to God! Or perhaps you are an artist? Spending time in the creative arts while meditating on scripture or in prayer will also strengthen your faith muscle.

The key is to start small, and be consistent. Who knows, maybe all this motivation will get me back on that treadmill too!

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

*'Framily' - my definition - is when you have family so close that you would choose them as friends, &/or friends so dear to your heart you consider family.

This Remembrance Is GRACE

I awoke to find you were the first thought on my mind

And I remembered you.

As I made tiny beds, and made sure mouths were fed

I remembered you.

As I heard little voices, playing and making noises

I remembered you.

I thought of your face, & all of God's grace

I remembered you.

And though this remembrance brings tears and pain

Each tear drop that falls, does not fall in vain

For each is filled with memories & gladness too

Reminding me that there was a 'you'

Some say time heals, and in some ways it's true

But remembrance is a gift for it links me to you

Some people say forget, move on, she's in a better place

But what they don't understand is that this remembrance is Grace.

Wisdom...from a Bear? Yes, a Bear named Pooh.

This adorable picture is of my sweet Olivia at about 12 months of age. Look at that smile - doesn't it just melt your heart? This Winnie-the-Pooh was a gift from a dear friend. Olivia loved this Winnie the Pooh. We loved propping her up against this big bear and using it as a marker for her growth as each month passed.It is in these little things isn't? These precious tender moments that string together to make up our life story.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

Recently, I heard this sweet yet profound little quote at a Memorial Service. The service was a beautiful tribute to a beautiful Godly woman who loved God, her family and others with genuine love and grace. As I wiped the tears that kept welling up, I couldn't help but wonder what my husband, children and friends would say about me. Times such as these prod us to look deeper, and re-evaluate ourselves. The pastor aptly stated that perception changes everything. If you have been reading my latest blog entries you would know that I have been giving quite a bit of thought to just that...perception - the bigger picture. Ever since our beloved Gracie passed into the arms of Jesus, there is a longing for redemption like never before. It is a longing to see every hurt and tear erased, to finally be at peace in the presence of my Jesus. What a day that will be - to be at complete rest and peace. This treadmill of life can get stuck into over-drive and the exhaustion that comes from trying to keep up takes its toll. How I long for my Shepherd to lead me beside still waters and restore my soul forever. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I am so deeply in love with the man of dreams and so thankful to be mothering such beautiful and insightful children. I am blessed to have such precious family and friends. I am blessed beyond measure and want to live to see my children's children. Yet, I know that even though this world holds all of these treasures, heaven will by far outshine them all. For life in heaven will be all the good that this world can offer - but redeemed, purified, and perfected. So in the mean time, I want to live my life heaven-minded, enjoying this beautiful life I have been blessed with - enjoying and savoring these precious memories that make up my life.

I'll leave you with one last Winnie the Pooh Bear quote....

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day." - A. A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

Bigger Picture

I have been giving some thought to 'the bigger picture' lately. It amazes me how often I get caught up in the here and now. Something relatively small will take up my whole view and the saying 'making a mountain out of a molehill' becomes my false reality. A mentor mom at a Mom's group once said - "whenever I am getting stressed out, it is usually because I have focused in too much and have forgotten about the bigger picture." Wise words. I often feel the same - sometimes I just need to 'zoom out' - just like on google map! When I zoom in things get blurry, and the background is no longer visible. We need the backdrop, the context of where we are at and what is around us to see the truth of our situation. When life is getting overwhelming - perhaps it is time to zoom out and see the bigger picture.

What is the bigger picture then? Well for me, it is the reality that earth, is not my permanent home-stay. This earthly home is not my eternal home, and my heart is drawn toward heaven and eternity. Partly because my sweet babe is there, but mostly because my Savior is there. As I age, I realize that there will be more and more loved ones awaiting me. There is a pull, a hunger that this world can't satisfy. The longing to be at total peace with my Jesus, where He will make all the sad and unjust things of this world untrue. A place where there will be no more hurt, tears, betrayals, or abuse. That is the bigger picture for me. When someone hurts my feelings, I remember that one day there will be no more disappointment. When I hear of the death of a loved one, I remember that one day there will only be life. When I am tired of the hurt and brokenness around me, I remember that one day only wholeness will prevail. Ah yes, that is the bigger picture. So when someone takes my parking spot, or someone's hurtful attitude comes barreling my way - I pray that God will help me zoom out of the current circumstance and focus on the bigger picture - and see things through an eternal vantage point.

Time...

My husband, bless his heart, is a Lord of the Rings fan! He was a fan way before the movies came out. He would read through the Trilogy every summer, and has read all the books! Any question I have he is willing to give me thourough answers - such as the genealogy of an elf, or of a ranger such as Aragorn, or the history of middle earth, or even better pull out a map to bring clarity! What can I say - he is a nerd and I love him for it!

As we were watching The Fellowship of the Ring, it came to the part where Frodo is tired of bearing the weight of the ring...

"Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil."

I was next to tears. I have seen this movie a few times, and it never fully hit me as it did the other day. The word 'ring' could be substituted for illness, infidelity, abuse, pain, betrayal, etc. Our world is full of such pain. This week my heart was greatly troubled and burdened with some incredibly sad news of a friend. This amazing woman of God is now facing the fight of her life. I couldn't help but think of her as I heard these words.

We don't get to decide what tragedies come our way, but all we do have is the TIME given to us. Even when it seems that evil prevails in this world, we are reminded that there are other forces at work. GOD is still at work in our world today. He still has the power to heal, comfort and restore. And though He promised that in this world we will have trouble, He also promised that HE has overcome the world.

In the grand scheme of life - what is our most valuable possesion? A mansion, an SUV, designer labels? Of course not -I believe it is TIME. Time is our most precious gift. Yet, time slips through our fingertips like sand. Do we really appreciate each moment? When I walked through the deepest valley with Gracie, every day was gold. I understood the importance of time. Yet, when crisis ceases, we often forget this precious gift. Each breath we take is given to us. We are living on borrowed time.

Today I am learning a lesson from good ol' Gandalf - I am choosing to decide what to do with this precious time given to me...I think I'll start by saying a prayer for my friend, and then hugging my kids extra close tonight.

Unforced Rhythms of Grace...

This weekend I had the honour of sharing with some amazing women at LinwoodHouse in Robert's Creek on the beautiful Sunshine Coast. From the moment I stepped on the gorgeous grounds it was as though all the weight and stress I had been under seemed to trickle away. Water in a creek is always changing, always flowing and this place, LinwoodHouse, is a reflection of this thought. Gwen & Ron open their beautiful home as a get-away and retreat center for those who are in need of refreshing. They serve not only ministry-minded folks and church groups (like our group this weekend), but also to the forgotten and the 'least' of these. They are passionate about reaching out to the women on the East Side of Vancouver. They began a ministry meant to bless the most vulnerable, and seemingly unlovable women with an encompassing and lavish love. The love of Christ reigns in every inch of that home and grounds and the home is drenched in peace and tranquility.

My sweet friend Jodie invited me to be the Guest Speaker at her church's Ladies Retreat and even though I was the 'key-note'speaker, I left feeling spoken to, blessed, challenged, and refreshed! The lovely group of women were fun, friendly and were so ready to hear from the Lord. Their hearts were primed and the Spirit moved as I shared my journey of Gracie. It is amazing to think that Gracie is still challenging lives. Sharing her journey, our amazing journey of Grace, truly makes this grieving heart sing!

I shared on how we all hold preconceived ideas of who Jesus is, and how challenging these misunderstandings can lead us into a closer communion with Him. How do you reconcile a God that has unlimited power to heal, yet chooses not to? How do you serve a God who does not work in linear fashion? How do you look into the face of fear and still trust an unseen God? My journey with Gracie touched on these questions and more. In the end, choosing to obey even though I did not understand allowed the Spirit to bring revelations of His love and will. Once you catch but a glimpse of Him and how great He truly is - you will never be the same. Your vantage point shifts. Instead of zooming in on the problem at the time, you zoom out and see the grander scale. When you become heaven-minded and Christ focused, you can't help but see through the lens of eternity - and once you do...everything changes. This life here on earth is but a vapor. When you truly understand that you are living on 'borrowed' time, you sense the urgency to live each day to the fullest, sharing His love with others.

My personal goals have changed so drastically since losing Gracie. No longer is the big fancy house, beautiful vehicles, and a comfortable 9-3 teaching job my 'be-all-end-all' life goal. Loving my family and teaching them the ways of Jesus so that we can make a difference for Him in our world has become the greatest goal and challenge of our lives. Is there anything truly more important as a parent that solidifying Christ in your child's heart so that they too will one day be with Him, dancing at His feet for all eternity? Do I want my kids to do well in school, get a good job and marry and have a wonderful family? YES, of course I do! Yet, that is not what spurs this heart everyday. The desire of this Mama's heart is to show Jesus in all I do and proclaim His love, sacrifice and forgiveness so that my kids will not only learn to follow Him, but also to know His voice, and take that life-changing love to the broken world around them.

There is such a blessing that flows when we press pause on this busy life and take the time to listen and be still to the Spirit's call. My spirit was re-acquainted with rest and tranquility this weekend, and once again learned the unforced rhythms of grace.

Matthew 11:28-30 - The Message (MSG)
28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Healing through Tears?

I love how God ministers to me through song. The other day I as I turned on the radio, I heard this song by Laura Story titled Blessings. Most people when they hear the word 'blessing' think of good things, joyous things, gifts. This song challenges that thought and asks...can blessings come in raindrops? Can healing come through tears? It got me thinking. Can pain be a blessing?

Gracie's life was nothing but blessing to me...even through the sleepless nights, the seemingly unanswered prayers, and the veil of tears. She caused me to question all that I had once believed. My Sunday School answers were being shaken to the core - and it was unsettling. Trying to reconcile that even though God was strong enough and had the power to heal Gracie on earth, but was choosing not to was an excruciating reality to come to terms with.

Yet, through my journey of Grace, I came to know the heart and will of my Father. As I pressed on and delved into His Word, His truth, love and light were revealed to this breaking heart through the Spirit. Did things end the way I wanted - no. Did she receive the perfect healing I so longed for - yes. Did this 'blessing' come without cost - most definitely not. Yet, here I am over 2 years later, still breathing, still moving forward - if that is not a miracle and huge testament to Jesus and His love...I don't know what is.

We know Jesus never promised life without hardship, in fact He promised the opposite. We can expect that in this world we WILL have troubles. But the good news, the news that keeps me moving forward everyday, is that we know how this ALL ends. We know who holds the keys to life and death, it is He who holds Gracie even now. He has overcome the world. SO, if we know that eternity awaits, then doesn't that make this life and all of its trials seem a little more bearable, knowing that this is just a blip on the timeline of eternity? This is not our final destination, this is not our home.

Blessings - Laura Story
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home...
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

My First Article....

Thanks to your encouragement, my dear family and friends, I took the plunge and wrote an article entitled 'Beautifully Mended' and it has been published. Look for it in the May issue of the magazine 'Testimony'. The Testimony is a faith-based magazine that is connected to our church's affiliation with the PAOC.

I just want to thank all of you who have joined us on this journey. To those who were there in the valley with me and took time to read my updates and shared words of comfort and love. To those who still walk the path of grief with me and read my blog entries and comment with words of hope and encouragement! You have been a part of my healing journey, for the Potter has used each comment and word of encouragement to help smooth out the cracks of grief on my heart.

I know I don't walk alone, and for that I am so incredibly thankful.

Safe in His Nail Scarred Hands.

Easter for me took on a whole new meaning after Gracie died. Before Gracie, I was thankful for the cross, thankful for His sacrifice and the forgiving of my sins for sure. Yet, there was a disconnect. After experiencing death right before me, and burying a child, Easter would never be the same. I could not stop weeping that first Easter with such deep gratitude that my baby although no longer with me, was NOT in the grave. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness in the knowledge that my sweet pea was not lost, or gone. No, she was safe in the nail-scarred hands of the One who that took on the sin of the world. My sweet lovely girl was still as lovely and sweet as the day she was born. Gracie never had to experience true death. She was never apart from God. Jesus experienced this true death...separation from the Father. I can't even begin to imagine the extent of this sacrifice. That the One who spoke this world into motion willingly gave up His power to enter this broken world only to be broken and spilled out. He experienced this true separation from God, so that my baby would live, so that I would live, and that you would live too. Words could never describe the thankfulness of this mama's heart in knowing that because of His great love, that Gracie is healed and safe holding His nail scarred hands, and dancing at his pierced feet.

Ready...Set...

Today I will walk into our neighborhood school, with my sweet little boy in hand and attend 'Ready, Set, Learn.' This program is geared for 4 year olds who will be entering Kindergarten in the Fall. It gives the children (and parents) a look at the school, introduce them to teachers and staff, as well as enjoy fun little engaging activities. I can't believe my boy will be going to Kindergarten in just a few short months. I have been trying all day to suppress the well of emotion that is brewing within. There is something difficult in allowing your children to grow up. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounded ridiculous as I typed it, but that is how I am feeling. Time seems to be my enemy. Days fly by at a super warp speed, leaving me dazed at times to truly see how quickly my children are in fact growing. They are growing not only in physicality, but emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually. I get so wrapped up in the calendar that I lose sight of these precious moments of growth. I am so busy folding laundry and wiping down counters that I am guilty of missing opportunities to just get down on the floor and play Polly Pockets or Toy Story. One day I will be folding laundry and wishing I had the choice of a clean house or a tiny hand to hold. So why, even when I have already learned this lesson, do I find myself back here? Why is this balance of keeping a clean house (cause let's face it I do not want to end up on TLC's Hoarders) and also making time with my kids a priority so difficult? As these life markers appear - first day of K, riding a bike with no training wheels, play dates without me, etc. I need to see them as a positive tool, a way to re-focus on what is truly important.

I think for me, these milestone's remind me that although it is a first for Isaiah it is also a last for me as a mother. It pricks my heart to the core as it reminds me that I will never walk into an elementary school holding Gracie's hand. It is again, bittersweet. So sweet because I am excited for Isaiah and all the new things he will learn and experience, yet also bitter as I am reminded of how short life experiences were for my sweet pea.

So here I am, feeling much the same as my son I am sure; nervous, excited, sad, and happy all rolled into one. I know our heavenly Father is cheering us on. He is saying ready, set... LET GO! It is not easy letting go of what you know as familiar and comfortable. Standing on the edge of the unknown is the apex of such anxiety. Those few short moments before you let go and free-fall into His plan and care is when the enemy takes his greatest jabs. So as I stand on the edge of this last stage of preschool years, I take a deep breath, say a prayer and cheer on my son (and myself) to get ready, get set...and let go!

Intentional GRACE.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

- Elizabeth Stone

I love this quote, it rings so true in my own heart. We have our first child and we realize fully how we will never be the same. We look into the eyes of this precious, little one and realize that she is no longer safely nested within us, but has been introduced to this cold, and sometimes scary world. God instills in us, as mothers, this mama bear protection switch. This switch is usually on stand-by until the moment we realize that we are responsible for our baby. The moment we hear that newborn cry - the switch is set and locked to 'ON.' That is why we wake from a deep sleep just moments before we hear the baby's cry for milk. Our bodies were created to protect and care for our children. So what happens when we can't be there to protect? As our children grow and go to school, or to a sports class, or Sunday School what then? We lose a sense of control.

Yet, I am beginning to see that control is not the same as protection. I am learning that hovering over each step my child makes, lining pillows on the sidewalk as she learns to roller-blade may not actually help, but in fact may even hinder. We always want our kids to succeed, be number one and always feel happy. I think a healthier stand point is striving for safety, boundaries, love and security - these are at least attainable. This yearning for safety for our children is so deep wired, which is so good, but we must be careful to allow some freedom and room to fail. Our small group is reviewing a DVD series and in it was this concept of failing. Our kids need to be allowed the grace to fail and learn the tools of restoration. We are ALL in desperate need of such grace. So, when our child falls from the playground structure even after we told him that the monkey bars were too high, what do we do with the guilt? I know for me, guilt is always right under the surface of almost all I do. I can't protect my kids all the time, nor could I stop the process of what happening to sweet Gracie. We are commissioned to set boundaries for our children, set the stage of God's love and provide security, but really the scope of control ends there. I had such little control when it came to Gracie, which was devastating to my type-A, controlling personality. Learning to trust an unseen God in the face of my deepest fear was the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn. My journey of Grace taught me more than ever before how children are but on loan to us for a very little time. What we do with that time is precious. We must be intentional in all that we do, even intentional in allowing our children to fall. Now don't get me wrong, I am not speaking about neglect. Neglect is different. Neglect is willful and selfish. Rather, I am speaking of intentional grace.

Allowing our children room to fail is intentional grace. When we see our child fall off his bike and skin his knee and help him back up again, we are teaching him about hardships and the perseverance needed. This will give him tools down the road when he wants to quit the sports team cause practices are too demanding. When we allow our child to work out her friendship fights, we are giving them the tools to working with difficult personality types. Taking a failure and turning into a lesson of grace and restoration is our Father's heart. Life can be so overwhelming. And if you, like me, feel the lack of control bogging you down, I encourage you today, rid yourself of guilt...and replace it with intentional grace. This life can get you down, but He is there offering you reprieve. After-all, you are HIS child too and He is calling you to learn the unforced rhythms of intentional GRACE.

The Message - Matt. 11:28-29b

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace..."

Spring is Coming...

It is hard to differentiate Gracie's birthday and her heaven due date - for we grieve both and celebrate both. It is a bittersweet time of year, and always will be. The last two weeks of February and the first week of March have been painful. It was our first 'go' at getting through this time of year in 'real life'.

Last year, although still painful, we had the amazement of Disneyland and the feeling of peace that we knew would come to us while in that magical place as it did in Disney World the year prior. We spent the 3rd (last year) embroidering adorable pink Mickey ears with Gracie's name. Wearing our purple Gracie shirts with pride, sharing her story with anyone and everyone who would ask. We took pictures at the castle. She was with us in every moment. We made an album with all of our favorite pictures of her. We chose our favorite pictures and shared with one another why we chose that particular picture as our favorite. We lit candles, we cried together, and then we celebrated her freedom and healing with a Dumbo ride in the night sky.

This year we were over-committed, sick, and just emotional. This year, life didn't stop, and we didn't guard the time as wisely. Sometimes we feel as though the world is encouraging us to just move along, when our hearts are screaming for us to put on the brakes!

We are so very thankful to you our dear family and friends who continue to rally around us! The truth is, at the time of the death of a loved one, support is everywhere you turn. As the days sneak by, and months turn to years, the support often dwindles. Yet, I want to take this opportunity to THANK YOU - all of you who have sent emails, phone calls, cards, flowers, FB messages, read my blog, gave me a hug, and had the courage to ask how I am doing in my grief. What a blessing it is to know such support and love. God has surrounded me with a wonderful family - family who remember along side me, cry along side me and help carry the load. He has also given me so many amazing friends who truly care about me and are willing to share a tear or two. Also, I am so thankful for the acquaintances and newly found kindred spirits I have met along the way who have encouraged my heart through a blog comment, or a FB message. What a joy it is to know that Gracie is still touching lives - it brings a smile to my grieving heart when I hear the story of someone who came across my blog and found comfort and peace.

As we enter Spring, my heart breathes a sigh of relief. Spring reminds me of a time when Gracie was flourishing - which brings a lightness to my step. I love the newness, the lovely colours, the freshness in the air! Spring also reminds me of the new life awaiting us in heaven, and the beauty that will be found there. As the cherry blossom trees around Gracie's playground begin to bud - it reminds me that one day I will see my sweet pea in full bloom - and so I wait in anticipation of this promise of newness of life!

Song of Solomon 2: 10-13

My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come.

In Between the Seasons...

Ever get the feeling like you are in a stand-still, stuck somewhere. Neither here nor there, just somewhere in between? Why is it when life is grand, life flies by at a warp speed? Yet, when you are in a rut - it feels like an eternity passes with each passing moment.

That is where I find myself today - stuck in between the hardest two dates of the year for me. Yes, holidays are difficult, but from February 14-March 3rd, I am stuck. Although there are good memories in this time, most seem to reflect the final pain and loss. The weather as well is so cold and snow has returned...what is up with that? This past weekend was one of BEAUTY! The sun was out, birds were chirping, the grass green and the sky so blue! The hope of Spring was dangling right in front of me like a carrot! Then in an instant - *poof* - came the snow.

Snow is beautiful in its own right. There is something magical about a pure white powdered snow dusting an evergreen tree like icing sugar! There is such grandeur in this season of winter if you have no place to go and can cozy up by the fire wrapped in a snuggly blanket gazing out the window at this snowy wonderland. Yet for me, seeing the snow outside pulled me back into the coldness and bleakness, back into the winter of my grief.

And this is where I have been these last few days. Yet, as I looked for signs of spring - I found some! I have felt the warmth of spring in a few ways. Some island friends sent me this picture of Gracie's playground covered in snow. The beauty of the snow mixed with the vibrant colours of the play structure blessed my heart today. Speaking to my dearest childhood friend last night and the upcoming birth of her second daughter reminded me of the circle of life and all the joys that are yet to come. Laughing with her seemed to crack the cold and sad casing around my heart. Another thoughtful and dear friend sent me a card in the mail and as I read her gentle words, I could feel the warm, salty tears falling down my face, and thawing my heart. Then another sweet friend dropped off a beautiful bouquet of tulips and a heart-warming book of quotes today just filled my heart with thankfulness. These God 'hugs' (as my sister likes to call them) reminded me that even though I am still navigating my way through this valley of grief once again, I am not alone. How thankful my heart is for all of you that have joined me in the pain and grief. You are a treasure to my grieving heart. I may be in between the seasons, but I am not alone.

"The healing began when a friend embraced me, leaving some of his tears on my cheek."

~Time Remembered~

My Sweetest Little Valentine...

We are coming up to three years, when our most beautiful little Valentine entered our lives. She showered us with love, joy and memories that are too numerous to count. Her 'dates' are so special to us. She was actually scheduled for a C-section on the 12th of February 2008. We went in to the hospital that morning fully anticipating the birth of our Gracie. I dressed in the beautiful blue paisley hospital gown, allowed a nursing student to play pin the tail on the donkey with an IV needle and my arm, and waited 5 hours just to be told that there were no available beds in the NICU. We were anticipating the 12th as her birthday, we had set in our minds that it was to be the day we would finally get to meet this little one that we had been agonizingly praying over. So, when we were sent home, we were confused as to why God would have allowed that? We had people praying literally all over the world for us on that day, why would He let this happen? Two days later we received a call, it was Valentine's Day 2008. Looking back now I am in awe at how God cared SO much for me, that He orchestrated Gracie's birthday to fall on Valentine's Day. He knew that I would look back each year on Valentine's day in thankfulness that He gave me Gracie on this day of LOVE.

Two years ago, we celebrated Gracie's first birthday. It was bittersweet as we had been told that she didn't have much time left. Yet, I was so very thankful that God had blessed me with Gracie for an entire year. We almost lost her in September 2008, and I pleaded with God for more time to just hold her, for more time to be her mother and not her advocate, doctor, pharmacist, or nurse. He granted me the extra months for which I am forever grateful. I can look at each day of the year and know that she was with me on that day in 2008. Her life sure does parallel the seasons. She was born in the spring when all was new and fresh, and hope and joy was strong. We had a wonderful summer with her (although not without difficulties), and were able to enjoy the sun. We even made it on a vacation together and made some wonderful memories, which are now some of our most treasured memories. She started to regress in the Fall, and as the leaves started to lose their vibrant colours, she too began to lose her vigor. Then winter arrived, and as the leaves withered so did our sweet pea.

Gracie passed from my arms and into the arms of Jesus on March 3, 2009 - on her original due date, which I like to think was her Heaven Due Date. Some might say the dates are just co-incidental, but I know better. This was God showing me how much He loved me, by showing me in the details. I am forever thankful for Valentine's Day and for the depth of love that was given to me in my sweetest little Valentine.

Brokenness...

Today the rain is not just falling...it is pounding! The air is cold, the sky is grey and so is the tempest within my heart. For this time of year, winter, is a mirrored reflection of our grief season. We are in the bleakest, darkest, most barren place of our grief as we remember the lasts and the firsts. We remember the last time Gracie smiled, the last time she looked at us with recognition. We remember her dedication service, her birthday and then her heaven due date. We remember the pain she was in, and the pain we were in and the pain we still are in. We remember...the brokenness.

As I was shopping today I saw brokenness all around me. I could 'see' what I think at times, I am too busy to see. I didn't want to see it, I tried to just get in and get out of the store, but I couldn't. It was like the Lord was showing me all the deep pain of those around me. As I smiled at a young man in the wheelchair I choked down the ball of grief stuck in my throat. I wondered what Gracie would have had to endure had she lived longer. As I held the door open for an elderly lady my eyes filled with tears. By the time I got to the van I was in the full-fledged 'danger zone' of weeping. I cried for the young man in a wheelchair who couldn't string two words together, I cried for the elderly lady who looked so lonely, I cried for my friends who are walking through the valley of cancer, I cried for the families who have loved and lost their beloved children, I cried for hurting youth, I cried for unsaved loved ones, I cried for Gracie, I cried for me - I cried and cried. I can only imagine how God's heart grieves for this lost and broken world.

Today my heart is overwhelmed in brokenness. Is yours? On days where all I see is hurt, and all I feel is pain, I must remember that one day Jesus will make all the hurt stop, all the pain cease, and all the bad things untrue. Oh how I long for that day...to see my Gracie Grace healed and whole, to have my heart perfectly healed with no more patched-up holes and cracks. Until then I ask that God will continue to unveil my eyes to the brokenness all around me, to stop myself from the whirlwind of this busy life, to see past my own pain and to help others in need.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to eternity

Hillsong United - Hosanna