So this past week I zipped over to the island for less than 24 hours to see my lil' sis and have a Gracie Day. It was a beautiful sunny fall day and I started the day with a massage from my trusted RMT. I was once again explaining the pain in my shoulders and neck - due to the year of constant bending over and caring for Gracie, pumping, etc. The pain, years later, still remains leading to fitful nights of sleep and finally into daily morning headaches. So as I was going on about the strain in my neck she smiled and said..."you do realize the symbolism of this pain don't you? You have been carrying her still...out front and over your heart. Perhaps it's time to open up your arms, not let her go necessarily, but just move her to your back - like a piggy back. When you carry a child piggy back you can't slouch, you must stand strong. Think about it..."
It was like a light went on...the 'A-ha' moment! Have you ever had these moments when timing is perfect and the Holy Spirit reveals truth to your heart? As I thought about her loaded words my mind is flashed back to a few weeks ago. I realized that in my minds' eye Gracie was still a sweet little babe, and I think in some was she always will be. But in reality, Gracie would be 3 1/2 - almost 4 come February and that realization winded me. My boy, Isaiah just turned 5 in the summer. He can do so many things now and to carry him in front cradled is so unrealistic. When he gets tired (which isn't often) I carry him on my back...not in front. Eventually, he will be too big to piggy back, and he will simply walk beside me holding my hand, then he will just walk beside me, and eventually he will walk a different path altogether.
As tears well up within my heart this morning, I realize I am in a new stage of my grief. Just like I grieve/celebrate milestones with Olivia and Isaiah, I too must do the same with Grace. When Isaiah started Kindergarten I was sad to say good-bye to the preschool years, yet so happy for him to experience all the wonders of school and beyond. Olivia asked me early on after Grace passed if she will grow up in heaven? It was then, and is still now such a profound thought. I am beginning to think that yes...just maybe she will be and has been 'growing up' in heaven all along. The memories I have of Gracie are of her as my sweet baby, and I grieve that baby in my arms. Yet, there is a spark of excitement when I envision her fully whole and healed as a 3 1/2 year old little girl.
I realize that I have been hiding behind Grace in some ways, hiding behind my grief so that I don't have to face the world without her. Are you holding on to something that is taking the forefront of all of your thoughts and decisions? Perhaps there someone who you need to let go of? Is there a situation that you need Jesus to come carry the burden for you? What is your 'A-ha!' moment?
So this morning, even though there is still remnants of the pain, I choose to embrace life with arms wide open and allow Grace to simply 'have my back.'
2 comments:
I think you and Olivia should read a book called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. Its about a little boy who went to heaven during surgery and when he wakes up he tells his family about it. Its written by his Dad. Very sweet book.
Kristin! So nice to hear from you! Yes I have read "Heaven is for Real" It sure makes heaven feel more tangible hey? I know since Gracie, heaven became a tangible reality for me. Thanks for taking the time to comment! Love to you and your beautiful family!
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