Have you ever heard a song or read a poem that pricks you to your inner most core? You know, the part of you that you don't often allow room for because when you do it overwhelms and overflows? For me, as many of you already well know, it's the deep chasm of grief in my heart. Thankfully, I experience this pain far less than I did in the early stages of grief, yet once in awhile something will trigger memories and the portal of pain re-opens. I know it sounds like a negative thing, but truly it isn't. I have learned to live in the balance of this pain through the grace of God - day by day. Yet, there are times, and I suppose there always will be, when the floodgates open and I remember.
On a Sunday morning a few months back, I heard for the first time a powerful song by Matt Redman entitled Never Once. As the words swept over me and I stood silently praying, memories began to swirl and it was as though moments were flashing in my mind's eye of pivotal memories of when I felt I was walking alone. Although I knew Jesus was with me in those moments, for it was only by His strength that I survived that road, I often wouldn't 'feel' Him near. I often felt alone. I felt alone in the hallway with the Drs. when they told me there was nothing more they could do for Grace and that I would have to call my family (including Andrew) to come and say their good-byes. I felt alone when I couldn't stop the seizures from happening and the Doctors had given up on our precious babe. I felt alone, helpless and abandoned so many times throughout the journey of Grace.
More than any other moment, the time when I felt as though Jesus was no where to be found was when they (the funeral directors) took my precious baby from me in that black car. I don't think I had ever felt such dark despair in my life. The pain in that moment was often too hard to think about. Whenever that thought came to me I would push it far down back into the deep chasm of my heart for I simply couldn't bear it. In the days after Grace died, there were things to be done and so life in that place of grief becomes a cloud of adrenalin, exhaustion and mere survival. By the grace of God we do things like plan funerals and write obituaries. By the time we had her service, I felt the peace of God once again - and I know it was your prayers for me. SO many of you my precious family & friends were praying for me and I am forever grateful. Even though the funeral & graveside were painful (there were many beautiful confirmations that day) when we buried that precious little white feathery casket, I felt hope. There was a peace in knowing that although she was no longer in that human vessel that once had contained the most beautiful, sweet spirit, her spirit was finally free and whole with Jesus. So as hard as those days were, it still did not light a candle to the pain of the day they took her from me. I have never in the last 4 years allowed myself to think of that moment when she was taken from me, that moment in which I felt truly alone.
So as this song flooded over my soul would that Sunday, this memory came to mind. I could see it in my mind, and I share it here as my most vulnerable moment yet, here is what happened that painfully dark day....
As Grace was transferred out of Canuck Place that cold and grey morning, I remember feeling as if the ground had literally fallen beneath me. You see, I knew Grace. I knew her for I was with her nearly every moment of her little life. I did not trust people with her, for her needs were so intense. So to allow her tiny little body to drive out of my sight was more than I could humanly bear. I felt the blood drain from my face as I collapsed into Andrew. I felt as if I had fallen so deep and so fast into such unspeakable darkness that I couldn't breath. I felt like I was drowning in the pain, every breath felt like a gasp for air, every second was in excruciating slow motion. I felt so alone, and so betrayed by the One who was supposed to save the day. I had never felt so far away from God as I did in that moment, and never had I experienced such painful darkness, complete failure and utter abandonment.
Yet as the words of this song were being sung over me, I allowed myself to remember and as the image of the black car came to mind I began to see the picture differently. The pain was still very real, but this time I saw Jesus. He was there. He was weeping with me and crouched down beside me, cradling His arms around me. His every breath in sync with mine. His every tear mixed in with mine, and although I couldn't see Him past all the pain He.saw.me. Not only did He see me, He entered my pain. Although I didn't feel His strength, He held me up. When I felt as though the ground had collapsed beneath my feet, He was my firm foundation. Even there in my darkest hour, even when I believed the taunts of despair by the enemy of being abandoned and betrayed, never once did I ever walk alone. He was there.
If you are going through a valley today or if you are in a place where you are questioning if God is really there or if He even cares, I want to encourage you that you never walk alone. As you read through the lyrics of this song, or listen to it - I pray that God will show you as you quiet before Him, the unseen love He has for you. As you bravely open the door to your pain, I pray that He would in His great love and compassion illuminate the truth in the darkness. As I learned through our amazing journey of Grace, God doesn't always answer in the ways we hope and long for, but He does promise to never leave us. My prayer for you is that you know deep within your heart and soul, that even at your darkest, most painful moments...you never walk alone.
Never Once - by Matt Redman
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
